Yet.
This is my new plan. I’m convincing myself that I’ll figure out a way to move past everything that’s holding me back.
“Dee, we have to figure out when we’re going back to Connecticut,” Wyatt reminds me. We decided to sell our house in Connecticut since we both want to stay in Harborside. I think he’s bringing it up now to take the pressure off of me coming clean with everyone. He’s always watching out for me, even when I don’t think he is. “Aunt Lara is packing up most of Mom’s and Dad’s stuff, but I asked her not to do their bedroom, like you wanted. The real estate agent said we should get it on the market before winter.”
“I think the weekend after next is good,” I answer.
“Okay. What are we going to do about the Taproom?”
“Why don’t you stay and take care of the bar while I go back home, and then I’ll manage it while you go another time?”
Wyatt shakes his head. “No way. I can’t let you go back alone. You don’t know how you’re going to react to being there.”
I press my lips together to keep my annoyance from coming out. Normally I’d just say okay, but lately I’ve been feeling too restricted, too taken care of.
“I’m not a kid, Wyatt. I’ll be fine.”
“Dee…” His eyes turn serious again.
“I know it’s going to be hard, Wy, but I can handle it.” I watch as doubt fills his eyes, and it stirs anger—and worry—in my gut, because I have no idea if I’ll be fine. I’ve never had to handle anything like this on my own. Heck, I’ve never had to handle much on my own. But if I’m ever going to break free of this guilt, I have to try.
“The grief counselor says we should try to envision a future where memories of Mom and Dad don’t pull me under. This is a start. I’ll be fine.”
“But—”
Cassidy touches his arm and shakes her head. I’m thankful when he relents.
“Okay, now that that’s settled.” Brandon’s eyes shift between me and Wyatt. “So, Delilah, let me get this straight. You’re a lesbian?”
Wyatt grabs his arm so hard I’m sure he’ll leave a bruise.
“Back off.” Wyatt’s eyes narrow.
“Wyatt.” Cassidy touches his arm, and he loosens his grip.
“It’s okay, Wyatt. I have to do this at some point, and I know I’m not exactly comfortable saying this in front of strangers, so…I might as well say it where I can. It’s a start.” I meet Brandon’s expectant gaze and push past the twisting in my stomach.
“Yes. I am. I’m…” Why is it so hard for me to say I’m a lesbian? I hate that it’s hard, but the word gets stuck in my throat. It kills me that I’m finally with Ash, and even dead, my parents are stealing the joy of it.
Tristan covers my hand with his. “Baby steps. Finding your comfort zone isn’t a race. It’s a slow progression of coming into your true self, and no one can set that pace but you.”
“Fuck baby steps. Own it, Delilah. Be loud and proud.” Brandon pats his chest.
“Loud and proud isn’t for everyone.” Tristan glares at Brandon, then turns softer eyes toward me. “This is a first step for you, and I’m proud of you.”
Wyatt eyes Brandon with a silent warning to back off. Brandon holds his hands up in surrender.
“I need to tell you guys something.” I swallow the fear that’s prickling my limbs and threatening to steal my voice. “I’m not proud of the way I’ve lived my life so far, but it’s what I had to do. You guys knew my parents. You knew their views on this.” I pause, because when I think back, I don’t remember my parents ever looking at Brandon or Tristan the way they looked at me when I came out to them on graduation day.
“Your parents?” Tristan releases my hand and looks at Wyatt.
“They weren’t exactly pro same-sex relationships,” Wyatt explains.
“They never said anything to me.” Tristan sits back and crosses his arms. His biceps flex and his brows knit together.
“How do you know, Wyatt? Because I’m with Tristan on this,” Brandon says with a serious tone. “They never said anything to me either, or made me feel out of place, and hey, I don’t exactly hide my lifestyle.”
Wyatt tried to talk to me about Mom and Dad several times this summer, but I haven’t wanted to. When we first got here, my emotions were too raw and I was too scared about how we were going to learn to live without them to even think about my feelings in that department. But over the last few weeks, my feelings for Ashley have grown, and I want to get past this.