Discovering Delilah(26)
“Can you give us a few minutes, Wy?” she asks.
“Of course. Whatever you need.” Wyatt turns his attention to me. “Ashley, are you okay?”
I’m so touched that he can focus on me when his sister is having such a hard time, it’s all I can do to nod.
“Okay. If you need me, just holler. But you might want to close that door.” He points to the open door leading to the deck.
Fuck. If he heard us arguing, how many other people did? That’s when I realize that the band must be taking a break. There’s no music to muffle a damn thing. I pull the door closed, wondering if tonight could get any worse or any more awkward.
After Wyatt leaves, I go to Delilah and open my arms. “Forgive me for being jealous?”
She shakes her head and falls into my arms. Her conflicting messages have me baffled, but she’s letting me hold her, and that’s all I care about.
She doesn’t need to know that Thursdays have now become my least favorite night of the week.
“I’m sorry I’m such a loser.” I hear her smile, and I press a kiss to the side of her head.
“You’re not a loser.”
She leans back and searches my eyes. There’s so much more I want to say, that we have to talk about, like the fact that she’s not out and I’m not sure I can deal with living a secret life again. But I don’t push her. I know, or I hope, we’ll have time to figure this out. Even my worst fear—being someone’s dirty little secret—isn’t enough to hold me back from Delilah. She claimed a piece of me the first night we met, and right now there’s only one thing I want to know for sure. The rest can wait.
“Do you still want to be with me, Dee?”
She nods, but fear lingers in her eyes.
“Just me? Do you want to be my girlfriend? Because I don’t want to share. I’m not…I can’t. I can’t be with you and share you in that way with Janessa or anyone else.”
She nods, and when our lips come together, our salty tears seep between them, slippery reminders of how far we’ve come and how very far we have to go.
Chapter Six
~Delilah~
PEOPLE SAY THAT one night can change your whole life. What they don’t tell you is how to deal with those changes. After being with Janessa, I thought the rest would come easily. That once I was certain I liked being intimate with women, I’d have no problem following my feelings. I know our friends will accept me. Tristan is gay, and Brandon is bisexual, and none of our friends have ever blinked an eye at either of them. But while coming together with Ashley on a physical and emotional level definitely came easily once we were alone in that alcove, the minute we stepped outside of that private space, the rest knocked me off-kilter.
To say that I was disappointed in myself for not walking back into the party holding Ashley’s hand would be the understatement of the year. I hated myself for walking the opposite way. I hated knowing I was hurting her, hated knowing I was hurting myself, but no matter how much I wanted to walk into that party with her—And boy did I ever want to—I couldn’t.
I’ve held her hand a million times in public. I’ve held Cassidy’s hand, walked arm in arm with Brooke—but we weren’t making a statement; we were just friends walking around Harborside.
Everything changed last night.
I felt like the minute I walked into the backyard, everyone would know what we’d done. I know that’s crazy. Seriously, it’s a party. There are always people making out at parties, and I wasn’t embarrassed to have made out with Ashley. Just the opposite. I could hardly believe I was lucky enough to be with her. It was what happened afterward that stole my legs right out from under me.
The fear my parents instilled in me about their beliefs.
The fear of being a spectacle.
The disappointment in their eyes when I came out to them.
Right now I hate my parents as much as I hate the term coming out.
Waking up this morning and knowing I’m a girl’s girlfriend for the first time in my life is a good feeling. Knowing I’m Ashley’s girlfriend…? That makes my world spin. I smile, knowing that despite everything my parents instilled in me, I woke up feeling good about who I am. That might change in five minutes, or maybe it already has, but at least I had those few seconds before they crept back into my head.
It’s Monday morning and I’m sitting on the back deck in a pair of boxer shorts and a T-shirt, drinking coffee and thinking about Ashley—and my parents. My mom used to sit outside and drink coffee in the mornings when we were here. I remember waking up to the smell of coffee, and I’d find my mom sitting out on the deck sipping coffee and reading a novel or the newspaper. My father would be standing down by the water with one hand on his hip, the other shading his eyes, as if he were looking at a faraway land. Morning after morning. I never knew what he was looking at, but I know my mom liked watching him. She used to smile and reach for my hand when I came outside. Sit. Watch your father with me. We’d both look at him, and she’d sigh. He’s so much more relaxed here, isn’t he?