I force the calmest tone I can, which isn’t very calm at all. “So, you liked me yesterday?”
“Yes. I’ve liked you since we first met. A lot.”
“But instead of coming to me, you went to Janessa, a girl you see only one night a week at therapy? Boy, isn’t she the lucky one? Did she talk you into it? Were you even into girls? How did you go through college and…?” We’ve never talked about this, and now another fear bowls me over. If she’s bisexual, then I will never be enough for her. Been there, done that. “Are you a lesbian, or are you bisexual?”
She’s trembling as she opens her mouth to speak, but no words come. Her eyes fill with something that I can’t read. Fear? Sadness? Finality?
She opens her mouth again and whispers, “Yes. I’m a lesbian.” Her brows draw together, and she looks like she’s just bared her soul.
Relief floods my body. I have to move, to give her space, to give myself space to process the enormity of what she’s saying. I pace, shaking my head. “I still don’t get it.”
Delilah sinks back down to the mattress, and I realize that she did just bare her soul. “Let me try to explain again.”
“No. I understand what you’re saying. You never acted on your feelings toward girls because your parents were against it.”
Delilah lets out a relieved sigh. “Yes.”
“And when you finally decided to, you went to Janessa instead of me.”
“God, Ash. That sounds really bad. I didn’t even know if you were straight or not.” She says this so softly it breaks my heart, but it isn’t a salve for my hurt.
“You could have asked.”
“Why are you putting this all on me? If you were so into me, you could have told me!” She covers her face with her hands and groans. “This is so fucked-up.”
“I didn’t know if you were into girls or not!” I cross my arms to try to gain control of my anger.
“I didn’t either!” she yells, and pushes from the bed again. She closes the distance between us, and her eyes fill with anger, which I know mirrors mine. She’s shaking as much as I am.
“I thought I liked girls, but how could I know for sure without ever kissing a girl? How could I know if I’d like touching a girl or having my fingers inside of her or putting her breast in my mouth?” She’s so angry, I’m afraid to interrupt her.
“Damn it, Ashley. I didn’t want you to be the person I fumbled with my first time. I didn’t want to screw things up with a girl I was falling head over heels for with every passing second.” She turns away and runs her hand through her hair quickly out of frustration.
Head over heels. The words hit me with the impact of a bullet train.
“I don’t feel anything but friendship toward Janessa, and if you want the truth, I’m thankful.” Her back is to me, but I hear every determined word clear as day. She faces me again, her eyes locked on mine, her hands fisted at her sides.
“I’m wicked thankful, because without Janessa offering herself up to help me figure things out, I’d still be on the corner of Lust and What-the-Fuck every time I looked at you.”
“Delilah—”
“No.” She lowers her voice. “Let me finish. Now I know for sure, Ashley. I may not be comfortable with letting the whole world know yet, but I know in my heart, without a shadow of a doubt, who I am, and that’s a huge start for me. I feel like I’ve found my true self. You can’t imagine how hard it is to live inside a steel box, worrying that if you let your true emotions out, your parents will disown you.”
“Dee…” I reach for her hand and she pulls away.
She shakes her head. “No. Just…Don’t.”
I hear heavy footsteps running up the stairs. We both look toward the sound as Wyatt appears in the doorway. Delilah turns her back to him.
“Dee? Ashley? You guys okay?” Wyatt’s stare is intense. His jaw is set tight as he comes behind Delilah and touches her shoulders. It kills me when she turns in to his embrace so easily instead of mine.
He looks at me over her shoulder and arches a brow. I don’t even know what to say, so I drop my eyes.
“What can I do?” Wyatt asks. “How can I help?”
Delilah’s fraying at every seam. I know she’s mortified and hurt, and I hate that I can’t fix it. She pushes out of Wyatt’s arms and waves a dismissive hand at him as she wipes the tears from her eyes.
“We’re fine. I just lost it,” she manages.
Wyatt’s concerned eyes bounce between us, and as the things Delilah said to me start to become clearer, I feel like a jerk. I didn’t want you to be the person I fumbled with my first time. I didn’t want to screw things up with a girl I was falling head over heels for…