Being this close to you? No. I want more of it.
It takes me a minute to realize she’s talking about going surfing in the mornings instead of meeting me. I want to tell her, Damn right I mind. I want to ask her if she’s seeing him, and a hundred more questions, but none of them matter now. She’s definitely into Drake.
“No. It’s fine. We’ll sketch some other time. Sunset or something.”
I see Drake walking toward us and I want to run in the other direction, but my legs won’t move. And when Drake holds up two cups, I remember he was getting one for me, so I can’t very well walk away without it.
“Here you go, ladies.” He hands us each a cup.
“Thanks.” I watch Ashley, dissecting the smile she flashes him, which doesn’t reach her eyes the way it does when she smiles at me. Their fingers don’t brush when she takes the cup, and her eyes shift quickly back to me. I’m being petty, and I’m not proud of it, but I’ve gone my whole life not knowing what it feels like to be close to a woman. I want to be with Ashley so badly my insides ache. If I can’t have Ashley, I’m allowed to be as petty as I want to be.
I spent the evening preparing to lay my feelings on the line, and now that I know Ashley’s into guys, I’m not sure how I’ll survive another second, much less the night.
“I’m going to see what needs to be restocked in the kitchen.” Before Ashley can say anything, I escape into the crowd, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. The music is pounding, people are shoulder to shoulder, leaving me to duck my head and plow right through without a bit of finesse or a care of how they’re looking at me like I’m the rudest girl around. I don’t know what upsets me more. The fact that I’ll never be with Ashley or that I’m obviously so messed up that I can’t even read people anymore. I thought she might be into me, but now I realize that I’m totally whacked in that department.
“Dee?” Wyatt touches my arm as I speed past.
I look over my shoulder at him and plow directly into a wall of muscle.
“Hey, hon. You okay?”
I feel Tristan’s arms circle me and look up into his chiseled, handsome face. I’ve known Tristan since I was a kid, just like I’ve known Brandon, Jesse, Brooke, and the rest of our friends here. We’ve spent summers together forever. He knows everything about me, except my darkest secret, and as his compassionate dark eyes hold my gaze, something inside me cracks. I’ve lied to him and all my friends about who I am. I’ve lied to myself, my parents. My fucking parents. I can’t stop the tears from falling, and I can’t move an inch. I lean in to Tristan, soaking up the comfort of his strong arms as he holds me tight.
“Shh. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”
Tristan just broke up with his boyfriend, Ian, and I know it’s unfair for me to unload on him like this, but I can’t stop myself. It’s like all the excitement from last night—all my efforts at building up my courage to come out to Ashley—crashed head-on into the reality that Ashley’s with Drake.
I feel Tristan guiding me across the sand. The music gets farther away and the sound of the ocean grows louder. Wyatt must not have seen that I was crying— thank God—because he’d be right here with us, and that would be too embarrassing.
Tristan lowers himself into the sand and brings me down beside him. I wipe my eyes and try to catch my breath.
“You okay?” He strokes my back soothingly.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” I glance over his shoulder and see Jesse and Wyatt both heading toward us. “God,” I mutter.
Tristan glances behind us. “Your saviors.”
I roll my eyes. “I know I should be thankful that so many people care about me, but some things are too embarrassing to talk about.”
“Dee? What’s wrong? Did someone do something?” Wyatt sits on my other side and drapes his arm over my shoulder.
I close my eyes, sandwiched safely—and—annoyingly, between Tristan and Wyatt. “No. I’m fine.”
Jesse plants his thick legs in the sand like tree trunks and crosses his arms. His eyes shift from me to Tristan and back again.
“Tristan? Anything I need to take care of?” Jesse asks.
“No. No. No. You guys, I’m a big girl. I can handle this.” I say this even though I don’t feel like a big girl right now. I’m confused, and hurt, and way out of my comfort zone. I should cry on my brother’s shoulder and suck up my broken heart without going into any detail. Just let my friendship with Ashley fade away, because seeing her every day will be too hard.