“Want me to take the booth?” Livi asks as she hurries behind me.
“No, I’ve got it, but can you take these to that couple over there?” I hand her the tray of sandwiches and squeeze Wyatt’s arm. He rolls his eyes.
“Really, Delilah? Look at the people she’s eyeing. It’s not me or Tristan, the two hottest guys in here.”
“Tristan’s also gay.” We’ve known Tristan Brewer since we were kids, and he’s bartended for the Taproom for the last three years. He moved in with us a few weeks ago, after breaking up with his boyfriend, Ian.
Wyatt nods across the bar to six-foot-two, dark-haired, hard-bodied Tristan. “So, you’re saying he looks gay?”
“No! You know I don’t think that, but…”
“She’s checking out Livi’s ass. She’s scanned every woman in here, including you, but she’s not looking at the guys in the same way. I could be way off base, but even though I’m taken and would never cheat on Cass, a guy knows when he’s being checked out, and that woman is not checking me out.” He pulls out of my grip and whispers, “Maybe you need me to be your wingman.”
I smack him. “Ugh. No, I do not. Go talk accounting.”
The few feet I have to walk to get to Janessa’s booth feel like a mile. My stomach is knotting up, and ever since she offered to…help me learn, I keep picturing her without any clothes on. I must be crazy. She’s wearing skinny jeans and a tank top, but I swear she’s sitting there in lacy underwear and no top at all. I feel my cheeks flush as I reach her table.
“Hi.”
She smiles up at me. “Hey there. You know, I’ve been in here a million times, but today it feels different.”
Oh God. Maybe I’m in over my head.
“Knowing you and Wyatt own this place makes it more comfortable.”
Whew. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. I thought she was really coming on to me, and that would have made things even more uncomfortable.
She wrinkles her brow. “Are you okay? You look nervous.”
“Yes. Fine.” I hold up the order pad. “Do you want something to eat?”
She looks me up and down, and her eyes fill with concern like they did last night. “You didn’t think…Oh gosh, Delilah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like a come-on. Seriously, I really like you, but I’m not here to hit on you. I just thought since we were becoming friends, it would be fun to come over.”
I move closer to the booth and rest my hand on the table for stability. I feel like everyone in the place is looking at us. Thanks, Mom and Dad. They’ve drilled how wrong it is to be a lesbian into my head so deep that I can’t even act normal.
“It’s fine. It’s me.” I lean down closer to her and angle my body so my back is toward the bar, blocking us from the rest of the customers. “I’m a little like a deer in headlights with all this stuff. I feel like I misinterpret everything.” I’m not sure why I reveal this to her so easily, but I can’t seem to stop. And I’m not sure I want to. Every time I uncover a hidden fear, I breathe a little easier.
“Did you give any thought to my offer?” she asks with a straight face and a smile, as if she’s asking me if I liked the sandwich I had for lunch.
Part of me wants to turn to liquid and slip through the floorboards, but another part of me, the part I’ve been burying deep inside for years, wants me to grab hold of this brass ring and cling so tight that it forces my parents’ disapproving eyes from my memory.
My response sounds far more confident than I feel. “I haven’t thought of anything but your offer and Ashley since last night. I was with Ash this morning, and it’s so hard not to tell her how I feel, but...I don’t even know…you know. If I like being with girls.” I’m whispering, but I can’t squelch the urge to turn and make sure no one heard me.
Tristan raises his chin in my direction and smiles as he wipes down the bar.
I feel exposed and slide into the booth across from Janessa. She puts her foot on the floor, resting it against mine, causing those knots in my stomach to tighten even more.
“I’m thinking about it, but what will it do to our friendship? I mean, I really like being able to talk to you about this stuff. What if it makes it weird?”
“Then we’ll talk about it. We’re both adults, and Delilah, it’s sex—it’s not like we’re robbing a bank.”
It’s sex. She says it like it’s not that big of a deal, and for most twenty-two-year-olds, it isn’t a big deal. But it still feels like there’s a billboard strapped to my back that reads I’m about to have my first sexual experience with a girl! I hate that it feels so all-consuming. I tell myself it’s not a big deal. We’re not robbing a bank.