Discovering Dalton(32)

Liam stood before him, making sure to take a long look up and down him before their eyes met again. “Unplanned run, huh? Here, take this.” He passed Dalton the damp towel, watching his shaking hand reach for it, quickly wiping down his face and neck. Liam sat beside him, taking the towel and holding it against the back of his neck, squeezing the cold water out of it and letting it run down his collar. “Running in the heat with a sweater and jeans on isn’t recommended.” He brushed his thumb over Dalton's cheek, and got a soft smile back in response.

“Wasn’t planned like you say, just kind of happened.” Dalton was still breathing too fast, and he was burning up in the afternoon sun which always filled the courtyard.

Liam held the towel in place, massaging his neck as he watched Dalton play with his fingernails. “Is it your dad?”

“He's still with us.” Dalton looked back and shrugged. “It was work.”

“Right, I thought you’d be off work. You’ve been off for a few weeks, right?”

“Yeah, but… that was my choice.” He sat back, resting against Liam’s arm and looking up at the blue sky and the white clouds rolling by.

“And now it’s not your choice?” Liam wiped Dalton’s forehead with the edge of the towel, capturing beads of sweat from running into his eyes.

“I failed my psych exam. Can't go back.”

“It’s not forever, Dee.”

“I know.” Dalton bristled, stiffening up a little, and Liam shook him gently. “I'm sorry. I know it’s not forever, it’s just until I sort my shit out. I wanted a week off as annual leave to care for my dad while I still have the chance, but I got told even if I wanted to come back they wouldn’t let me. I thought Milo would let me do a desk job at least.”

Liam sat still, seeing it from Milo’s point of view and Dalton's, but not wanting to play devil’s advocate while Dalton was still so pissed off. He just let Dalton work through his options and comforted him while it happened.

Finally, a few minutes later, Dalton cleared his throat. “I mean, I understand why he won't, and he’s concerned about me as a friend too, but it just hit a nerve, you know. It’s hard. He was my partner for a long time. I was used to him being with me, and now he’s not and I have this new woman who I don’t know. She’s nice, it’s just…” Dalton smiled warmly as he looked over to Liam. “She flirts a lot. She doesn’t even know she's doing it, but it slips out. It’s been a bit strange having a new person anyway, but one who fancies you is a new thing.”

Liam smirked, waiting for the rest.

“I'm still getting used to Milo being the Sergeant. I guess I'm more inclined to not listen to him because of our history, and it winds me up the wrong way when I have to take orders from him. I know it shouldn’t, but it does, and about my health… about everything going on with Kelly and my dad… He likes to push, you know. He’s not… well, he's like you really.” Dalton grinned and Liam chuckled. “I guess he has this softer side, it just struggles to make it to the surface.”

“I don’t struggle showing you my softer side, Dee.”

“No, I know, but that’s different. Milo’s different with his… I mean, with… Right.” Dalton threw his head back and closed his eyes, resting on Liam’s arm and just breathing slowly.

“We all act differently with different people. I can see Milo being a real pussycat when he needs to be, or when his partners need him to be. Especially the blond, Samuel, right?”

“Yeah.” Dalton opened his eyes and smiled softly at him. “He’s truly under the thumb where Samuel’s concerned. Danny and him argue it out and bicker and bitch, but Samuel only has to look at Milo and he does as he’s told. Totally whipped.”

Liam enjoyed the vision of Milo being under the thumb, especially by the leggy blond. “I thought he’d turned straight when he first introduced me to Samuel.”

“Yeah, I know. To be honest, when we both saw him, we thought he was a girl until the nurse set us right. It’s not until you look closely you see he’s a man. The hair sways you to think otherwise. He’s a real angel.”

“Can I ask you a question, and feel free to tell me to shut the fuck up, but you’re really close to those three, one of them you’ve worked closely with for years. Have you talked to them about us? About your sexuality?”

“No.” Dalton stiffened and Liam tightened his jaw. If he couldn’t even talk to his best friends about this, then what chance was there he would accept everyone else knowing about them? “He already thinks I'm having a mental breakdown, Liam. It’s not like I want to give him more reasons to keep me off work.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to feel. I have no idea what’s going on with any part of my life right now. To be honest, this thing between us, it’s like the least stressful thing. Kelly leaving and my dad dying kind of tops you and me.” He smiled. “Sorry.”

“No-no, that’s cool with me. It’s not actually that big a deal. I mean, I get it may be, but to me it’s no biggie.”

“That’s because you’ve gone through all this when you were a teenager. This is old news to you. I doubt you even remember what this feels like or understand from my point of view what’s going on. I'm not sixteen, I'm thirty. Thirty and I've never discovered this part of myself before. I feel like my own body’s betraying me. That it’s been lying to me for fucking years. I've gone through every day of my life and looked for signs, tried to understand why I haven’t seen this before. I mean, you don’t just wake up gay, or bi, or whatever the fuck I am.”

Liam laughed and hugged Dalton to him, placing a kiss on his head. “No, you don’t just wake up gay. I get what you mean, and I understand you want to know why this hasn’t happened before. But maybe it’s just that you were in love with a woman and happy, and when things changed you didn’t see anything wrong with experiencing those with a man. I mean, did you hang around with many openly gay friends in college or anything?”

“Not really. I had my group of friends, but we were close and didn’t really mix with other people. I was seeing Kelly at eighteen anyway.”

“You're monogamous, right?”

“Yes.” Dalton flashed him a hard glare.

“I'm not passing judgement or anything. I'm just stating a fact.”

“The idea of shagging someone else while I was with her never entered my mind, not with anyone. Male or female. I'm not really…” Dalton sighed. “I'm not really a very sexual person. I never have been, and I’ve only ever been with her until I met you, and, well, that’s different.”

“And on your own?”

“Well… yeah, see, that’s the thing. I would pull off, not all the time. I'm not like some secret porn addict or anything, but I would choose to do that rather than slide in bed with her. I've always watched the men and women. I got turned on and I didn’t try to break that down and think who I was excited over.”

“Does it really matter what’s happened in the past? Will it help you make more sense out of what’s going on right now? Will it change what happened with Kelly, or with me?”

“No. I know nothing can change. I guess I just want to know why. Have I wasted ten years of both of our lives by pretending to be somebody I'm not?”

“Did it feel like a lie?”

“No.”

“Then it wasn’t one, was it? It was real while it happened.” Liam wiped Dalton's brow again. “Does it really feel like you’ve wasted your life by being with her?”

“No.” Dalton was a little firmer and Liam smiled. “We had a lot of good times, happy times. She’s always been there for me, and me for her. I think that’s why this is so hard, it’s like losing my best friend.”

Liam thought about Troy and how it would feel if he just left, understanding how deeply Dalton was hurting, and how lost he must feel. “You don’t have to lose her. Your relationship has changed, but it doesn’t have to end.”

“Divorced people don’t stay friends, and what would her new chap think?”

“He fucked her while she was with you. I really don’t think he has a right to be jealous if you stay friends.”

Dalton snorted then chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so. I'd like to stay friends. And… she has my cat.” Dalton kicked the ground with the toe of his trainer. “I love that cat.”

Liam rested his head on Dalton's, a smile playing on the edge of his lips. “I took you for more of a dog person.”

“I'm not home enough to have a dog. Besides, she’s this cute little black thing with the biggest green eyes. She chose to live with us. I found her in the back garden not long after we moved in.”

“What’s her name?”

“Mog.” Dalton laughed. “I'm really bad with names.”

“Yeah, don’t name any of your future kids. I can image Boy or Girl won't go down too well.”