Disavowed(62)
“I started taking it with me whenever I went away for work. After she died I couldn’t break the habit because it felt like one of the only pieces of her I had left, aside from my ring. Like leaving it behind would be as bad as forgetting her, somehow. Stupid as that probably sounds.”
“It’s not stupid.” Not by a long shot. What would it be like to love and be loved that way, only to lose it forever? “She was beautiful.”
“She was. Inside and out.”
Her heart ached for him. How he must have suffered when he’d lost her. “What did she do?”
“She taught ESL to kids and teens.”
Of course she did.
Briar drew in a slow breath, pushed back the growing ache in her chest. This picture was yet further confirmation that she and Lisa were polar opposites in every way. The woman in the photo was loving, gentle and maternal, the kind of person Matt deserved. Briar didn’t have a domestic bone in her body and had spent the better part of her adult life either taking or aiding in the taking of lives, not helping people. Unless she counted helping the greater good by eliminating potential threats to the United States and its people. But Briar didn’t consider herself a hero. Not by a long shot.
“I just can’t bring myself to stop carrying this with me,” he said. “I don’t ever want to forget her.”
“Of course not. She’s a part of you and always will be.” God it was stupid to feel this raw. She was never this emotional, let alone insecure. Must be the stress and lack of sleep over the past few days catching up with her.
Not knowing what else to say, Briar started to turn away with the intention of heading back downstairs but Matt reached out and snagged her hand. She stopped, met his eyes in the mirror, almost dreading what he’d say next.
He nodded once, his expression grave. “You’re right, she will always be a part of me. I’m a better man because of her. I’ll always love her, always miss her, but losing her also taught me a lot.”
She waited, shoving back her emotions and the need to press against him, to feel those strong arms wrap around her and allow herself to imagine for just a moment that he wanted her as much as she wanted him.
His fingers tightened around hers, his gaze direct and sincere. “There are few things I regret in my life, but they almost all have to do with her. Looking back, I wish I’d paid more attention to the little things. I knew what I had, knew what she meant to me, but I took it for granted. Didn’t mean to, but it still happened and I’ve got no excuse.”
Briar swallowed, found her voice. “What little things?”
His shoulders moved in a slight shrug. “God, a million little things. Being more affectionate. Putting more effort into our marriage. Telling and showing her I loved her more often. Sending little texts for no reason except to let her know I was thinking of her. Buy her flowers because I knew how much she loved them, take her dancing even though it’s not my thing. Just ways to show her what she meant to me, that she mattered. She put up with me and my crazy training and work schedule and hardly ever complained that she was alone so much. I owed her more than what I gave her, but it took me losing her to recognize it. I got lazy, and if I could go back and do it all over again, that’s what I’d change.”
Oh…wow. His words left her speechless. Most people lived their whole lives without ever gaining that insight and maturity.
“But I also learned another important lesson.” When she didn’t respond he continued. “Losing her was so sudden and unexpected, it taught me to always live in the moment, never pass up the opportunity to tell someone I care.” His thumb moved across the back of her hand in a slow caress, sending sparks up her arm. “I care about you, Briar. A lot. And I want to see where things go between us once this is all over.”
She stared at him, having no idea how to answer that. The lump in her throat was so huge she could barely get a full breath of air. She struggled to speak past it. “Matt, you don’t know what you’re saying.” She nodded at the picture of him and Lisa. “I’m nothing like her. Nothing. You deserve that kind of normal, happy life, with someone stable who wasn’t groomed to be a killer.” All the things she secretly craved and was afraid she’d never have.
“I was trained to do the same thing, but that part of me doesn’t define who I am and it doesn’t define you either,” he said, his tone stern.
For her, it did. She shook her head. “I’m not like you.” She was terrified that she didn’t have what it took to make a relationship work, let alone be what he needed. That there might be something lacking inside her, that she might be broken in ways that could never be fixed. She would die before voicing that fear to another living soul though. “I’m no good for you.”