Dirty Money(38)

"Okay," she says, and she sounds broken. God, her sadness is breaking me. "Hurry home, okay, Reba?"

"I will, Wynonna. I promise. Just, take deep breaths. Take a nice hot  shower"-oh god, that makes me think of the sexy shower I just had with  Boone-"and then I'll be home and we'll talk."

"Okay." Sniff. "I love you, sis."

"Love you, too, Wynonna." It kills me to hang up, because my sister  needs me. I slowly put down the phone and look over at Boone.

He's up from the bed, tugging on his jeans. The look he shoots me is worried. "Everything all right?"

I nod slowly. "I just . . . I need to go home. It's my sister."

"Of course. I can get us checked out fast." He pauses and studies me. "What is it, if you don't mind me askin'?"

I go still. I . . . don't know what to tell him. I've felt so close to  Boone this afternoon. We just made love in the shower. I feel joy when  his mouth touches mine. He just confessed that he's in love with me. He  makes me happy. And yet . . . "I wish I could tell you, Boone. But I  can't."         

     



 

The worry on his face fades a little, and I can see his expression hardening. "Why can't you tell me?"

My back goes up. I grab my skirt off the floor, find my jacket, and  start hunting for my bra and panties. "Because it's personal!"

"Oh, well, that changes things," he says sarcastically. "I guess we're not at that point, right? Where we share personal stuff?"

I'm silent. He's pissed, and he has every right to be. It feels awful,  knowing that I'm in the wrong and I still can't do anything about it.

"Heaven fucking forbid I learn something personal about you, Ivy." He  jerks his T-shirt on over his head. "I mean, I'm just the guy that  fucking wants to marry you, right? But it's fine, we're not personal or  anything. It's not like I just told you I'm in love with you. And it's  not like you said anything back. So hey, I guess we're not at that  personal level after all."

I wince, because everything he says is like a dagger. He did confess  love and I said nothing at all. It's because I'm terrified. I'm  terrified of exactly what is happening right now. "Please, just take me  home, Boone. I can't talk about this."

"Can't talk, or won't talk?"

"Won't," I whisper. I find my panties and slip them back on, and then my bra. I won't look at him as I dress. I can't.

"Damn it," he snarls. "Why is it every time I think I'm finally getting  close to you, you push me away again? Why is it that I'm the one that  keeps reaching out and you're the one that keeps running away? Do you  fucking care at all about me, Ivy?"

Tears burn behind my eyes, threatening to spill. I nod slowly. "I do."

"Then tell me that! Share with me! Something!" He slams a hand on his  chest and gestures at the cheap motel room. "Anything! I keep bringing  you into my world because I want you here with me, and every time  anything in your world shows up, you shove me away!"

"It's not like that-"

"It's not, huh? Then tell me what's going on." His hands go on his hips, and he waits.

I feel as if I'm crumbling inside. I can't. I can't say a word because  then he'll know what a sham I am. My dad can't get paroled yet. Oh, and I  live in a trailer and have twenty dollars to my name. I'm a big fat  fucking lie. But the words won't come out of my mouth. I'm utterly  silent. And even though I don't want it to, a fat tear rolls down my  cheek. I angrily swipe it away.

Boone swears. He puts his hands on his head and stares up at the  ceiling, then looks over at me. "We can't go on like this forever, Ivy.  You're gonna have to let me into your life at some point."

"I know," I whisper hoarsely.

"Just . . . just fuckin' tell me, all right? Why can't you tell me?"

"I just can't. I'm so sorry."

He sighs slowly, then scoops his keys up from the dresser. He comes to  my side and presses a kiss to the top of my head, and then shoves away.  "I'm gonna go check out." He opens the door to the room and then pauses  in the doorway as I stand there, clutching my bra and jacket to my  chest. "You know, you say that you're sorry, and that I mean something  to you, but you never change. I extend my hand, and you never take it.  At some point, you're gonna reach out and my hand won't be there because  I've given up."

The thought is like a knife in the gut. The door slams behind him as he  leaves, and it feels like something in our wild, tempestuous  relationship is slamming shut, too.

And I feel . . . stuck.

Trapped.

And aching with misery.

The thing he wants the most from me-the truth-is the thing he would hate the most about me.





Chapter Twelve



Ivy

It's the longest, most miserable, most silent ride home ever. I think of  earlier this day, when Boone kept his hand on my knee, as if he  couldn't stand to have me near and not be touching me. Now? He keeps to  his side of the truck, and his hand remains on the steering wheel  instead of anywhere near my leg.         

     



 

And me, I don't know what to do to cross that invisible boundary between  us. Well, okay, I know what I can do to cross it-tell him what's going  on. Except . . . I can't. And so it's awful and quiet and tense as we  drive back.

Boone drops me off at Three Jacks, and I pretend to go into the building  to get my things. I wait until he drives away before going out to my  little, broken-down heap of a car, and my hands are shaking as I put the  keys in the ignition. I'm crying silently, and it has nothing to do  with my father or his parole, or even Wynonna.

I feel like I'm losing Boone with my silence, and I didn't realize until today just how much I wanted him.

Right now, everything just feels like such a mess, and I don't know how  to fix it. I'm always a girl with goalposts in mind, but this time, it  feels like the goal is unattainable.

I drive at a breakneck pace to get home, because I know Wynonna is  waiting for me. I'm worried about my sister, but I keep thinking about  Boone. I'm so conflicted, and then I feel worse because I know my focus  should be my little sister. I know Wynonna should be first and foremost  in my mind, but I keep thinking about Boone and his kisses. Boone  telling me he loves me.

Boone walking away because I won't share my secrets with him. It's like a punch in the gut.

When I pull up to the trailer, Wynonna's sitting on the steps, a few  pieces of paper in her hand. It's late and dark out, and moths flit  around the porch light. She straightens as I arrive but doesn't get up.

"Why are you outside?" I ask, getting out of the car and hurrying forward. "The mosquitos are going to eat you alive-"

The look on her face is hard and she holds one of the papers out to me.  Her cheeks are blotchy and wet from crying, and her eyes are puffy. She  looks miserable. She also looks . . . angry.

Puzzled, I take the paper from her, squinting in the dark to read it.

OVERDUE NOTICE.

Oh. It's our electric bill from last month. "Where did you get this?"

"It was in your room. I found it in your lingerie drawer when I went to get the twenty for the pizza." Her mouth is a hard line.

"How was the pizza?" I ask, keeping my tone bright as I fold the paper up and tuck it into my purse like it's no big deal.

"I didn't fucking order one. Reba, I found a whole stack of bills in your drawer. They're all overdue."

"Not all of them," I say defensively. "I'm paying on all of them. Don't worry about that. It's handled."

"It's not handled. Can we even afford my college?" The look on her face is utterly devastated.

"What? Of course!"

"Really? How?"

"Don't you worry about that," I tell her. "Let's go inside, all right?  We can talk about it there. I don't want you to get bitten-"

"I don't give a fuck about the mosquitos," Wynonna says angrily,  launching to her feet. "How could you not tell me that we're broke? How  can you let me sit there and talk about school when we can't even keep  the lights on?"

"It's just until I sell the next house-"

"That's what you always say! How many have you sold in the last month?"

I'm silent, because I've sold none. It's late summer, which should be a  decent timeframe, but the Jacks slide all the clients out from under me  and pass me only the ones they feel aren't worth their effort . . . and  they're usually not. I have more clients fall through in financing than  anyone else at the office. I'm working all the time and yet . . . the  pay doesn't show it. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to  improve, but so far, I'm . . . well, I'm still selling plasma for  groceries.

"That's what I thought," Wynonna says bitterly. "Why won't you let me help? I can get a job-"

"And what? Flip burgers all through your college years? Worry about  money like I did? Worry all the good, fun years of your life away?" I  snatch the stack of bills out of her hand, feeling exposed and  miserable. "I want you to have everything I didn't, Wynonna, and if that  means I'm working twice as hard, then that's what I'm doing."