Dirty Little Secret(36)
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It took a shower and another round of loving before either he or Cailin could relax, as if their bodies were driven by a hunger only the other’s touch could truly satisfy. Even then, Cailin lay in his arms, her pulse quiet but fingers unsteady as they trailed through the hair sprinkled across his chest. Could she feel the thump of his heartbeat, the fear that had his chest aching and his breath shallow long after his climax had receded? He tried hard to hide it, to hide the emotion surging under his skin like a tidal wave, an emotion he wouldn’t, couldn’t acknowledge without sentencing her to what could be years of pain and frustration.
Stroking the bare, supple skin of her ass, he burrowed his nose into the crook of her neck and shoulder. The words welling up escaped in a soft whisper against her throat. “You deserve so much better than me.”
Her heartbeat thumped against him. “No, I deserve you. No matter where this takes us, what happens in the future”—she palmed one firm pec, his nipple pebbling at her touch—“you’re a gift, Alex. My gift.”
And if he allowed things to progress any further, allowed his need for her to become any stronger, he might become her curse. They hadn’t given their relationship or their emotions a name. What would happen when they couldn’t avoid it any longer? He shook his head. “I can’t give you all of me, not as things stand. That’s not fair to you.”
Cailin slid her arms around his shoulders, hugging him to her. “Would you have done it differently? If you could have looked into the future and seen me, or someone like me, and known the day would come that you would…need someone this way, would you have refused to help Sara Beth?”
Turning his head, he settled against one mounded breast, drawing on her warmth. Would he have refused? No, absolutely not. Sara Beth was his to care for—she was his best friend, the only real family he still had. Marrying her had been the only solution to their immediate problem, getting Sara Beth into a position where she could prove herself, something they could never have accomplished without Alex’s promotion after their engagement. John had owned their lives then, still did to a certain extent. But as much as Alex knew he’d done the right thing, he couldn’t shake the feeling that Cailin was his to care for as well, and sometime in the very near future, he would end up failing her. Big-time.
He wanted all of her; instead he had to take what he could get.
“No, I couldn’t have changed it,” he admitted finally. “She needed me. I made the decision.”
Cailin pulled back, caramel eyes shining. “Exactly. That’s what makes you the man you are, Alex. You would give anything for someone you love, and not just because of what they give back to you.” She rubbed a finger along his scrunched eyebrow. “I’ve known from the beginning that you are a strong, honorable man. That’s what confused me. My heart knew before my brain and my eyes could catch up.”
“Maybe.” Wrapping a hand around the back of her neck, he drew her in and took her mouth, delving deep, and in that moment he wished to the depths of his soul that he was free, damn the consequences. He tucked her head into his shoulder, not wanting her to see his face, the evidence of his struggle, but couldn’t help saying, “I would give anything for you. Anything. That’s what makes this so hard. Because there will come a point where the burden will become too much, where the secrecy we have to maintain will hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know.” Her lips, then her tongue brushed his neck. “I know.”
Chapter Ten
Cailin rubbed her forehead. The ache that had settled there after lunch was not going away. Excedrin, caffeine—none of it had worked. The simple truth was, work was getting to her. With the consortium six weeks away and Keane Industries’ research in the final stages of preparation to be presented, they were all working long hours. Her time at work limited her time with Alex, at least her free time with him, the time where they could just be open and together and without the pretenses that filled their day-job lives. She needed that time to stay balanced. Understanding. Resentment-free. Without it, she battled all those negative gremlins determined to whittle away whatever happiness they could find.
“Cailin, can you come in, please?” Alex’s voice over the intercom sounded almost as tired as she felt, which just made her feel worse. She was selfish. S for selfish. She had an awful lot of S’s. As she gathered her netbook and hurried toward the inner office, a stern talking-to resounded in her head to the rhythm of her headache’s pounding.