Dirty Little Secret(15)

“I wish I could make you understand. What I wanted. Why I did…what I did. There’s so much I wish I could say.”

Then why don’t you? I felt…thought…a lot of things. None of them were real. I thought you were a jerk, but something’s not right about that either. So what is going on, Alex?

“But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

Why not?

“Okay,” he said, as if coming to some conclusion. His next words were firm, resolved. “Thank you, Cailin. As much as you must hate me”—his breath huffed out in a rush, and she saw a hand scruff his hair—“thank you. You gave me something I’ll always treasure. No, not that,” he said teasingly, a little bit of the old Alex sneaking through their mutual tension. He sobered immediately. “Freedom. You gave me freedom, just for a little while. Repaying you this way seems doubly unfair, but…thank you.”

She shook her head in confusion.

“This isn’t really helping, is it?” Alex stood up on the other side of the door and turned to face her. She wished she could see his face clearly, wished… Yeah, they’d been over all of that, hadn’t they? Wishing didn’t change what was.

And then his soft, damning whisper. “As much of a bastard as it makes me, I hope you don’t forget what we had, even if we never have it again.” The traitorous part of her latched on to that if, but she ignored it and watched in fascination as his hand pressed to the clear glass. “I know I won’t.”

Cailin clamped both hands over her mouth as the urge to respond overwhelmed her. The only choice she really had was to ignore him. Anything else would damn her soul, and not because a church or deity decreed it. Because marriage vows were sacred; “to have and to hold” actually meant something to her.

No one had understood when she’d walked away from Sean. She had forsaken her marriage vows, they’d said. But she hadn’t. She’d walked away because of those vows. Because her husband had broken those vows by turning his back on her, refusing to touch her, love her, support her. Be a friend, much less a husband, to her. Alex had done the same to Sara Beth. How could she trust, much less want a man like that?

She couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Better to cut the cord now.

She didn’t move. Not when his palm slid down the glass like a tear. Not when his footsteps retreated across the front porch. And, God help her, not even when she heard his car start, then drive away. She stayed against the door, holding herself, rocking and praying she could somehow, someway, make it through this with a vague semblance of her sanity still intact. It was a stretch, but they did say God was merciful.

You never know. Even a woman with as many letters on her chest as you might have a chance, Cailin.

* * * *

He was laid out across his bed when Sara Beth found him later that night. Dressed in her usual cotton cami and pajama pants, she crossed the room with her customary unhurried, feminine swing that drew every male eye that witnessed it, climbed onto the high bed, and cuddled up to his side. Her head automatically settled in the hollow of his biceps, just below his shoulder like it had a million times before, just as they’d lain together like this a million times before. So long that Alex couldn’t remember anymore the first time it had happened.

“You are brooding.” A mischievous spark added twinkle to her tired eyes. She was carrying a lot of weight on her shoulders supervising Ian’s project and the rest of the development department, but he hadn’t noticed she was tired until now. Why hadn’t he? He sighed as his gaze traced a bruise-like shadow under one moss-green eye. Because he’d been too focused on his own problems, of course. Selfish bastard.

It took a moment to remember her comment. “Hmm. What makes you say that?”

She nodded toward the stereo, the sound of an acoustic guitar and Johnny Rzeznik spilling out softly. “You always listen to the Goo Goo Dolls when you’re brooding. It’s the only time you’ll ignore how old this stuff makes you.”

He poked her in the side, earning a giggle. “I’m only a couple of years older than you, love. And good music never goes out of style. I like ‘this stuff,’ thank you very much.”

Her pert nose wrinkled. “You would.”

They fell back into silence, their breathing in sync, their bodies relaxed. They’d been friends so long words weren’t really necessary anymore, and yet he still felt as if she read him like an open book.

Alex shut his eyes and let the crooning music and Sara Beth’s warmth along his side work their magic. These were his favorite times, in the quiet with her. They were the only times when worry and stress could be pushed away.