I had tried to play it cool with her tonight, to skirt around my real feelings. It wasn’t easy to admit, out loud, that I was falling in love with someone else. It’s not easy to give yourself over when you don’t even know who you are half the time. It’s not easy to start again when you’ve lost so deeply.
But this was beyond what was easy. This wasn’t something I had a choice in. I was in love with Alana and it was going to take every part of me, but with any luck, she would give every part right back. She would give me my humanity.
The next time we talked, I would have to tell her. I could only hope my love was something she wanted.
I hoped our love could survive the lies.
***
The next morning we made our plans. We would stay in Mazatlan two more days, then head up north in a rental car. By then, Esteban shouldn’t be looking for us around this area, if he was even looking at all. We would take the rental car up to a smaller border crossing going into Arizona, return it there and catch a bus across. The only problem was that Alana didn’t have any ID on her and it was too risky to call someone like Luz and get them to mail her passport. No doubt her apartment was still being watched and that would only put her friends in danger.
I decided I would email my old friend Gus, someone who owed me a big favor, and see what he could do for her. There were illegal ways into the US that I knew he might help with too but we wanted to do everything as legit as possible. Alana wasn’t even all that keen on the idea of having a fake identity but I wanted to at least make sure her last name was changed. If it got out at all anywhere on the news or in DEA channels that she was Javier Bernal’s sister, there was a chance she wouldn’t be allowed in the US and could even be detained.
While she was out at the pool, determined to tan the shit out of her now-free leg, I sent the email to Gus from the free computer in one of the hotel’s business stations, mentally crossing my fingers. I hadn’t seen the guy since I helped rescue him from Javier’s safehouse, all on behalf of Ellie Watt and her boyfriend Camden McQueen, but I hoped he was okay, and most of all, willing to return favors.
I went and grabbed a beer from the bar and came back to the room, glad that no one had taken my spot. I checked my email, thinking maybe Gus had already responded.
There was a new email in my inbox. But it wasn’t from Gus.
It was from “A friend” and the subject simply said, “Nice to see you again.”
I sucked in my breath. It felt cold in my lungs. I already knew who this was from and what it was about.
I clicked it.
It read:
Hello Derek, or should I say Hola? You’ve been living here in the country for so long now, I guess it doesn’t really matter.
It was nice to see you last week. You haven’t really changed since we last were together, though maybe you’ve lost a few pounds. Still have that meathead look going for you though but I was pleased to see that you knew how to take a shot. Not that you hit me. That was your girlfriend, Alana. Perhaps that explains why you failed to kill her in the first place. Maybe you’re not as good as you used to be. Well, you know what they do with old racehorses, don’t you? Send them to the glue factory. Yes, I wouldn’t mind that happening to you – I’d mail Alana my condolences and use your glue to seal the envelope.
Or perhaps she’s what the problem is. Somewhere between you accepting the job and the money (remember, you still have our deposit), you decided to fall in love with her. Or maybe you fell in love with fucking her. It’s all the same, isn’t it? I know what it’s like. I met a girl once too, nice thing, had a husband. It wasn’t to be but we had our fun. You’re having fun now, aren’t you? So much younger, different, than that wife you once had. Plus there’s that element of danger that gets you all hard. I know all about that. You’re fucking the person you were hired to kill. Don’t you think that might bite you in the ass one day, like one of those mosquitos you just can’t kill? Or maybe not. Maybe this will all blow over. Maybe this will all end and I’ll go away. Just like the mosquito does when you fail to kill it.
Only it doesn’t does it? Derek, Derrin and whatever name you are using right now, I don’t think you quite realize what you’ve done. You think you’re helping this poor girl find her freedom but you’re only bringing her to her death. Doesn’t she know what kind of person you are? Oh right, she doesn’t. Even with Javier’s warnings, she still chooses to believe in you, in the person she wishes you are. Sure, you’re protecting her right now but you dug her grave the moment you signed onto the job. You may not think you’re pulling the trigger anymore but you are. You have been this whole time.