Dirty Bad Wrong(81)
She shook her head. “No fucking way, not this time. Everyone likes you, James, nobody would ever believe him! Last time was different, I’m not Rachel, James, I don’t crave the drama. It will blow over, I swear, I’ll make it blow over.”
I scoffed in her face. “How can you make this blow over? It’s over, Lydia, my life is fucking over. I’ll have to quit again and move on again, far fucking away from here.”
Her lip trembled, it smacked me right in the gut. “No, James, I’ll go. You don’t need to go!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lydia, it’s not you they’ll brand the psycho. It’s me.”
“You aren’t a psycho, and no one here will believe it. They know you, they know us.”
“I never made friends with them, Cat, not one of them. They don’t know me. I thought that kept me safe, but it seems not. I’ve been such a fucking idiot, walking straight into the same fucking mistake.”
“Some mistakes are worth making,” she breathed. “You know they are. We were worth making, James.”
“It’s easy to say that now, you aren’t the one who has to walk away.”
“You don’t have to walk away,” she insisted. “It’s not that bad! This time it will blow over, we’ll be ok. Give us a chance, James, please, just one little chance?”
“What’s the point?” I seethed. “We’d never have worked, Lydia, never. This is what happens when I get close to people.”
“That’s not true!” she said. “I lived my whole life trapped behind a wall, not daring to let anyone in. All I wanted was to be the strong one, the indestructible one, the one that was so in-control nobody could ever fuck my shit up again, but these last few months I learnt something. I learnt something from you. I learnt it’s ok to let go, it’s ok to be weak, it’s ok to cry… I’ve learnt it’s ok to fucking trust someone, James! That there’s something out there worth taking the risk for!”
My eyes flared with rage. “I was learning to trust someone, Lydia. I was learning to love again, but it was a stupid fucking dream. This is the reality, right here, right now. This is what love leads to.”
“So, what now?” she wheezed. “We’re over, just like that?”
My heart thumped so fucking hard, begged me to run to her, begged me to fight for her, but I turned away.
“Just like that,” I said. “I can’t love you, Lydia, I just can’t. Stuart’s outburst was for the best. It’s shone the light of clarity in a way I’ve been blind to for months. This whole thing is for the best.”
“You don’t mean that!”
“I wish I didn’t,” I sighed.
“Say you won’t leave, James, please!” There were tears in her eyes as she spoke, and my heart lurched. “Please don’t quit over this.”
“It will take me a while to find another job,” I said. “It won’t be imminent, but I will be leaving, Lydia, I’m sorry.”
She didn’t stay to argue, and I hated myself from the moment she left.
***
Frank finally surfaced mid-afternoon. He knocked with a hearty flourish, swinging his way through the door with a shake of his head. I braced myself for it, for the tirade of abuse, but it didn’t arrive.
“Bloody hell, James, what the fucking hell was that craziness about this morning, hey? That bloke was a tee short of a putt, I tell you. Lydia should count her lucky stars she got away from that one.”
“He seemed a bit on-one,” I said warily.
“On-one?! He was bloody cuckoo! Poor Lydia, did you see those marks on her legs? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were from him, you know. We’ll have to keep an eye on her from now on, James, make sure she doesn’t go running back there. I’d hate it if anything happened to her.” He scratched his neck. “I’m surprised you didn’t punch him one, all that shit he was spouting about you. By God, man, what an absolute loony-tune, you should’ve landed one right in the jaw.” He smiled, sitting himself down opposite. “I have to admit, I wondered it myself, if there’s anything going on between you and our Lydia. If there is then don’t be put off by some psycho-ex, it’ll blow over, you wait and see.”
“There’s nothing going on between me and Lydia,” I said numbly.
He sighed. “Oh well, I thought we might have the first Trial Run wedding. Never mind, eh?” He grinned, leaning towards me. “You’ll have to go grab a coffee at some point, the whole admin team are gaggling themselves crazy. They think you’re some kind of superhero now, James, rushing to the aid of the lovely Lydia. You got him in that arm lock real bloody quick-smart, it was quite a move.”