“I wasn’t a monster, Cat, I never did anything to her she didn’t ask me to, and I never would. I’m not a rapist or a wife-beater, I’m no thug.”
“I know you’re not,” she smiled. “You’re nothing like that.”
I couldn’t help but smile back, the absurdity tickling me. “I like hurting women, Lydia, but only if they want me to. I understand why that may be difficult for some people to comprehend.”
“Did you leave, then, leave your job?”
“I had to, in the end. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Rachel left first, moved in with me and got a job in a beauty salon. It’ll blow over, she said, just give it time. But it didn’t blow over, people don’t let that kind of shit go, Cat, I would have always been the monster.”
“What did you do?”
“We moved, here, to London, and eventually I got the job at Trial Run. I worked hard, kept my head down, and worked my way back up to CTO. I’d lost everything last time around, my friends, my job, my respect. Rachel was all I had, and for a while it was ok, I loved her, I really did. Her divorce came through and we got married, started rebuilding a life together, but this time around I was wary. I compartmentalised my life, splitting myself into two different people; the side at home, and the side at work. Rachel didn’t understand it at first, it frustrated her, but she met back up with Bex, a friend she’d known since school, and our lovely Rebecca just got it, she got me. Along came Explicit, to expand our horizons, and I found the liberation of the mask. It worked for me, Lydia, it worked so well. In the mask I could be the beast inside, the beast who craves tears and pain and hot, wet cunt. The other James Clarke went to work, and kept himself private. I never even introduced Rachel to my new colleagues, she never came to a single work party. She hated me for it, I know, but it was the only way I knew to be safe.”
Lydia moved closer, just close enough to rest her hand on my knee. “I had no idea, James, no idea at all.”
“That’s always been the plan, Cat, to keep it all separate. The chimera is my embodiment of my lifestyle choice; one body, two creatures. I was comfortable like that, it was a way to make it work.”
“I get that,” she said. “I get it, James.”
“Anyway, the relationship didn’t work out. I got busy at work, and Rachel didn’t understand. She craves attention, like I said, and my attention was no longer enough for her. We had a healthy open relationship within the bounds of Explicit, so I thought, but she must have disagreed. She fucked around, Lydia, so much it was embarrassing. I forgave her, told myself it didn’t matter, that it was part of who we were, but it’s a fine line, trust, and over time we fell apart. She never kept her promises, and I stopped expecting her to. We gave it one final shot: no other partners, no more lies.” I finished my coffee. “It was Rebecca who finally pulled the plug, she told me Rachel had been cheating all along.”
“Jaz told me that,” she whispered.
“Jaz didn’t agree with Rebecca’s decision, but I’m glad she told me. I walked in on Rachel with another man, a man I’d come to know quite well within Explicit. He was more mortified than she was, I felt strangely sorry for him if truth be told.” I looked at Lydia, at the soft pools of her eyes, the sloping interest in her brow line. “And you know what he said?”
She shook her head.
“He turned to Rachel, full of rage, and he said, I thought you said you were fucking estranged?” I laughed bitterly, just like I had at the time. “I guess I had that one coming, since I inadvertently did the same thing, no doubt, to husband number one.”
“You didn’t know!” she said, squeezing my knee. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe, maybe not. Anyway, it’s all old news now, history. I was devastated after Rachel, it took me a long time to pick myself up. I figured I’d focus on work-James, keep my life stable, and keep Masque private, weekends only. It was working well, until one day I stepped into the office kitchen and found myself staring into the green eyes of heartbreak personified. You snared me then, Lydia, you were so fucking beautiful, so raw.”
She smiled. “You got under my skin too, Mr Clarke. So much, before I’d even seen Masque, before I knew anything about him.”
“Rebecca claims I wanted you at Explicit the whole time, maybe she’s right, maybe I always wanted that.”
“Well, you got it,” Lydia said gently. “And I got Masque.”
“I can’t risk my life falling apart again, Lydia, I can’t open myself up for that shit. I know what it feels like to watch everything you’ve built up crumble into nothing. I don’t want to do that all over again.”