***
I couldn’t stop looking at him, staring like a dumbass. I mean I always stare at him like a dumbass, but I was like a dumbass on steroids. I finished up yet another coffee and Trevor White was right on hand to grab me the pot. He poured a refill with a smile, edging his chair closer to mine in the process. James had been right, there was a definite thing going on there.
I made to meet James’ eyes, to see if he’d noticed the invasion of personal space, but he wasn’t looking at me. He hadn’t looked at me all morning in fact. He’d missed breakfast and walked briskly to the office, speaking barely a word other than to confirm the day’s itinerary. I’d let it slide, but my heart was in my stomach, all churned up. Horny, and happy, and exhausted, and scared. I was scared. What if I wasn’t good enough for him? Why wouldn’t he look at me?
We had lunch with the WHM team, and James stayed embroiled in conversation with their data warehouse manager, leaving me with Trevor. I made polite conversation, easing away from anything too personal, and trying to avoid gazing at James’ back like some lovesick puppy.
“So, when will you guys be down again?” Trevor asked, a hopeful sheen in his eyes. He pushed his glasses up his nose and leant in close, swatting my elbow with an over-friendly hand. “We sure like having you around.”
“I don’t know yet,” I said, honestly. “Phase two begins next week, so I guess whenever we’re ready to go live.”
“Soon, I hope. Next time we’ll have to do that social, I’ll show you the Brighton nightlife.”
“I look forward to it,” I lied, thanking the heavens that James was ready to resume.
Once again he didn’t meet my eyes.
***
The train back to Brighton was rammed, and it took me a while to get a seat with James. He stayed glued to his tablet, checking emails, until finally I plucked up a voice.
“Are you ok?”
“Fine, thank you, Lydia. And you?”
He wanted me to lie, I know that, but words tumbled out of my mouth without censor. “Not really, you’ve been weirding me out today. Are we screwed now? Is that it? Do you hate me after last night or something?”
He looked around, scowling at the proximity of other commuters. “Not now,” he hissed. “Not here.”
“Well, where then?” I hissed back. “I want to know we’ll be ok. We work together.”
“You think I don’t know that? That’s the problem. Work and play don’t mix. We made a mistake, Lydia.”
“Some mistakes are worth making...” I whispered.
He smiled, but it was so muted. My heart sank. “I enjoyed that particular mistake very much, Cat, but it was a mistake, now we have to find a way to resume normal relations.”
“Ok,” I said. “If that’s what you want.” My hands were clammy, I knotted them together.
“I’m being sensible, Lydia, and so should you. We both knew this was a bad idea.”
“And this occurred to you between seven and half past this morning, did it? You were fine when you left me.”
“A cold shower works wonders for rational thinking.”
“I won’t mention it again, then. I’ll be your mistake and we can forget it ever happened.” I tried to sound less hurt than I really was.
He leant in close, his mouth to my ear. “I won’t be forgetting it ever happened, Lydia. I couldn’t if I tried, I promise.”
I looked out of the window the rest of the journey, and let him get on with his emails.
I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t let him walk away. Once he was gone, that would be it, I just knew it. He’d batten down the hatches and never speak about it again, and me and Masque and everything I’d fantasised about would be ruined. I trailed him through the station, even though we’d said our goodbyes and were off in different directions. He turned to face me, shrugging his shoulders.
“What can I say, Lydia? What do you want me to say?”
“Just listen a minute, please, surely you’ve got that for me, after last night.”
“I’ve got all the time in the world for you, I’m just trying to be smart about this.” He pulled me around a corner, to the side of a portable coffee truck. “We need to do this, Lydia, we need to be professional.”
“I know, I get it!” I wheezed. “But last night was amazing, I’ve never felt so alive. You were amazing, James, please don’t ruin it now, not yet.”
He sighed. “This thing can’t work. We work together, a professional relationship, we can’t cross that line, it gets too messy, believe me.”