“You don’t have to tell me. I can guess what happened.”
“We had just found out she was pregnant.” His voice broke and she took a step closer to him, wanting to comfort him, but he jerked away. “I tried to protect her, even forged a deal with the Boldin family behind my father’s back. I did everything I could to keep her safe. Everything. I would have sold my soul if the Devil would have bought it, but none of that saved my Jessica and our baby.”
This time she didn’t hesitate to hug him, merely wrapping her arms around his stiff frame, the pain radiating from him. “Oh, Alex, I’m so sorry for your loss. What happened? How did they find you?”
He gave a harsh laugh but his hands were gentle as he rubbed her shoulders. “My brother said you would listen, that I would want to tell you, but I did not believe him. Are you some kind of sorceress?”
“No, just a good listener.” She felt him hesitantly hug her back and his tension lessened just the slightest bit.
“My father came to visit, somehow he’d found out about her. He wouldn’t…he wouldn’t give her his protection. He said that she was too gentle to be my wife, too fragile.” Anger entered Alex’s voice and his grip on her tightened. “Two weeks later Jessica died when her car exploded, instantly killing her and our child. They were vaporized by the intensity of the blast. I lost the only woman I could ever love. I was away, in Russia, cleaning up a huge mess my father had made when it happened. We did not even get to celebrate our baby properly. She would have made an excellent mother and I would have done everything I could to be the man both of them needed. When she died, my heart died with her.”
He shook in her arms and tears slipped down her cheeks as her heart hurt. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Do not cry for me, dorogaya. I am responsible for her death and I will burn in hell for it.”
“No you…”
He gripped her by the shoulders and pushed her back so he could squat down and look her in the eye. “I tell you this so you understand why Dimitri is asking you to do something that hurts you so much. He loves you, but we cannot protect you. It is best if you vanish from our lives, but that cannot happen until our enemies are sure you mean nothing to us.”
“That’s a terrible way to live,” she whispered. “Would you really rather have never met Jessica?”
He was still for a long moment, his heartbeat thundering beneath his ear as he stroked her hair. “No. But I should have left her before they found her. If I had, my child would still be alive today.”
Abruptly he stepped away from her. “Rya, I need to take you to the public dungeon soon. What can I do to make it easier for you?”
She couldn’t even look at him, her shame warring with her anger. “I don’t think I can do this. If I see Dimitri with another woman…I love him. God help me but I do.”
An anguished sound escaped her and Alex cursed softly before kneeling in front of her. “The woman he will be with, Ilyena, she does not mean anything to him beyond a friend, does that help?”
She shook her head, keeping her eyes closed as if that could block him out. “It will break me. I know it. Anyone who is watching me will see how much he means to me.”
“Then we will take away your sight. Blindfold you. Would that be better?”
He was so earnest in his attempts to comfort her that she tried to think about this objectively. When she opened her eyes her gaze went to the memorial to his wife and child etched into his skin. It was one thing to read about and hear the stories of their loss, quite another to see the physical proof of Alex’s broken heart. She couldn’t do that to Dimitri, and well…shit…she really didn’t want to die anytime soon.
“It would.”
“How much do you think you can tolerate from me?” He gently ran his hands over her arms, causing chills to skate over her skin. “Where can I touch you?”
Embarrassed by her body’s reaction she tried to step away but he griped her arms. “I don’t know. How much do you need? What do you need? What are you going to do?”
He stood and picked her up, carrying her to the chair and sitting with her on his lap. She squirmed uncomfortably, not liking being this close to him. “Rya, it must look real, like you are enjoying my attentions.”
“Fuck. Alex, I can’t do this.”
“Yes, you can.” His serious expression lightened a bit and he put his hand beneath her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. A small smile curved his lips, making her aware of just how handsome he was. “Am I that ugly?”