"I'm sorry."
"Don't. Don't be sorry. Not for any of it. I know who you are. I know what you are. It's my fault."
"You're right. Except it's not your fault," I finally said. I stopped trying to touch her. I grabbed my cut from the back of the couch and stabbed my arms through it. "Things are just as much a mess right now as they were the first time around. And last night you came damn close to getting hurt because of it. It's not going to happen again. I'll promise you that but I can't promise you what that will cost me."
"Your life?" The rage had left her voice and she spoke in a flat tone. "Your freedom again?"
I shut my eyes tight. When I opened them to look at her again, the hurt in her own eyes tore my guts out. "Keeping you and the club safe matters more than what happens to me."
"It matters to me!" She brought her hands up and tore them through her hair. "It matters to me, Dex. I can't live like this. I'm not a twenty-year-old kid anymore. And the thing is I liked it. I've always liked the danger and excitement that comes along with you. God help me but I do. Jesus, I went to go live in a war zone when you left and I loved that too. And I think that was partly because I wanted to fill up the hole that was left over when they took you away. But I can't do it anymore. I can't live on the edge like this. Tiny might live, but he'll never be the same again. Neither will I."
"I know." For the thousandth time since I'd met her, I was going to ask Ava to wait. It was in me to promise her things would get better if she just gave me a little time. And she knew it. She knew the look on my face and what I was going to say before I uttered the words.
"No." She shook her head and backed away. I don't think she planned it. She seemed just as surprised by the word as I was when she said it. But when she said it, something settled in her eyes and I knew she meant it. It hurt as much as if I'd been the one shot today. Ava put her hands out in front of her to keep me from reaching for her. "The only way it's going to get better is if I make it that way. I need you to go."
"Baby ..."
"I can't do this anymore. I want something else." Her voice choked and tears spilled out of her eyes. She crushed my heart. "I have to be done with this if I have any hope of staying sane."
"I love you, Ava." There. I said it. But it was the wrong time and too late. God. I couldn't lose her. Not after everything. But we'd been here before. I'd made her all of these same promises and yet we kept ending up here. The only difference was, now she seemed brave enough to end it.
I didn't beg her. I didn't act on all of the urges I had in that moment. I could have taken her in my arms and kissed her. If I'd thrown her to the bed and tried to fuck her, I knew she'd let me. My cock swelled at the thought of it. I wanted her. I would always want her. But I would always hurt her. The pull between us was so strong, my claim on her still there. As much as I loved her and wanted her, I respected her too. And everything she said was true. I couldn't protect her. She got hurt when she was around me. In the end, turning around and leaving was the least cruel thing I could do.
So I left. As Ava stood there brave and strong, with torment in her eyes, I said goodbye and quietly closed the door behind me. I swear I felt the pieces of my heart rip in two.
Chapter Nineteen
Ava
I lost count of how many more shots I did after Dex finally walked out. I'd made him go. It was the right thing to do. How many more times did I have to suffer through heartache and hell because of him? As many shots as I'd taken, I was still stone sober when Joleen walked in. She brought Mark Endicott with her.
I waved the bottle at them as they came around to stand in front of me on the couch. "You as bad as you look?" Mark said. He took the bottle from me and downed a shot. Then he sat next to me and smoothed the hair away from my face. He knew shell shock when he saw it and I'd been deep in the throes of it when he saw me at the hospital. Hell, I still was.
"Your friend's probably going to make it," he said. "He's in for a tough recovery with that shoulder and he might never be able to work his hand well enough to ride a motorcycle again, but he's going to live."
"I'm glad," I said and of course I was. Tiny was one of the good ones. So is Dex. I took the bottle back from Mark to try and drown out the rest of that thought.
Joleen stood in front of me with her hands on her hips. This was her best charge nurse routine and I was the last person it would work on. "He's gone." I answered the question before she could launch into the speech she'd likely prepared on the way over. "I ended it with Dex. Save it."
Joleen's posture changed. Her shoulders slumped and she sank until she sat on the coffee table in front of me. "Shit, honey. I'm sorry. Just ... shit."
Mark took the Jim Beam bottle and handed it to Joleen. She held it up in salute and took her share. "I'd suggest going out and getting shitfaced but it looks like you've got that part handled."
"I'm not drunk," I said. "I should be. I should be good and sloshed but I'm not. I'm just sad."
And God, I was. I was also angry with myself. For the last few weeks, since Dex had come back into my life, I hadn't made a rational decision. I'd been kidding myself that things would change with him. What I said to him had been right. I wasn't twenty anymore. I couldn't live in the past and the blush of my first love and my first time. I was a grown woman with a life and people who depended on me. I needed to move forward, not back. All of these things were true. It didn't stop it from feeling like I'd just torn my heart out of my chest and let him walk off with it.
"You did the right thing. Well, probably. What the fuck do I know?" Joleen said, placing her hand gently on my knee. "You know I love the boys in that club, but you've done nothing but suffer by association with him. I mean, Dex has been back like what, six weeks? We don't want to see you hurt, Ava."
I smiled at her. "This sounds like an intervention. How'd the two of you get nominated to come over here?"
Mark smiled. "I'm the last person to give anybody advice on how to deal. Pure motives, I swear." He crossed his fingers over his heart and held up two fingers. I reached across the couch and hugged him. Then I hugged Joleen too. Then I sobbed. A big ugly cry that left my face and Joleen's shirt a mess. She just patted my head through it like the good friend she was.
"God," I said when I finally stopped hiccupping enough to get words out. "Why does it fucking hurt so much?"
Mark shrugged and took another swig. "Because you're in love with the guy."
"That doesn't help."
He smiled. "It never does."
We talked late into the night. At some point, Joleen cracked another bottle of whisky and I fell asleep on the couch just after the room stopped spinning. It still wasn't enough though; when the alcohol wore off, I knew more than my head would feel like I'd taken a sledgehammer to it.
I woke sometime after ten; my internal clock was way off from the night shift and the alcohol. Joleen was in bed and Mark was snoring face down on the other couch, a half-empty fifth of Jim Beam dangling from his grip. My head felt like it split in half when I staggered to my feet to throw a blanket over him and put the bottle away.
I checked my phone; Dex hadn't tried to call but the Green Bluff P.D. had. I still needed to give a statement about what happened in front of the Wolf Den. That could wait. It was a Great Wolves problem, not mine.
I downed three ibuprofen tablets and a can of V-8 and grabbed an ice pack from the freezer for my forehead. This was a humdinger of a hangover and as much as I hated it, I knew probably the best cure might be to sweat it out on a run. I wrote a quick note for Joleen, found my tennis shoes and pulled open the steel door intending to step out in the hallway.
Instead, I smacked into a wall in the form of Curtis, Sly's most trusted prospect. He stood with his back to the door and I slammed my cheek straight into the center of his leather clad back. He jumped and turned around, grabbing me by the shoulders as I swayed on my feet. For a half second, I saw two of him.
"What the fuck, Curtis," I said.
He shrugged and ran a hand through his mass of brown curls. The kid really had a head of hair that would make any woman jealous. He was in his late twenties with a baby face and permanently blushed cheeks. He almost looked like he was playing dress-up in his biker boots and leather. But he was a sweet kid and I knew Sly felt he had real promise. He'd never tell me as much, but Curtis was probably next to patch in as a full member. God help him.
"Sorry, Ava," he said, smiling.
Realization settled over my shoulders and made my blood start to simmer. "Sly sent you over here."
Curtis shrugged again. "Dex and Sly. It's just a precaution."
I nodded. "So are you just supposed to stand there or can I expect you to follow me when I go for my run?"
Curtis stammered for a second. "It's just a precaution. I promise, I'll hang way back, you won't even know I'm there."
"Forget it," I said. It wasn't the kid's fault but I deeply resented Dex sending a spy. At the same time, dread turned my raging blood to ice as the gravity of the situation became clearer. That, and the scent of Tiny's blood all over me which I couldn't seem to shake. Alcohol, PTSD and heartache had kept me numb to reality for the last twelve hours. Now though, I could fully process the fact that it wasn't just Dex at risk here. Shit.