Devlin UnLeashed(20)

Chapter Twelve

Devlin

“Are you sure this woman is a wise move? Right now? With where you are?”

I listened to the sound of Tyler tapping his fingers against the wooden tabletop. He always did that when he didn’t approve of something. His words and actions didn’t reveal a trace of his dissatisfaction in my actions, although his body language did. Most people wouldn’t pick up on it, but I spent so much time reading people since I was a little boy that it became one of my most treasured skills. It’s the only way I’d stayed out of the grave this long.

I glanced up at him from the corner of my eye, my head still slightly bent downward. He had a way of stripping me of my basic defenses, or maybe I just trusted him enough to have my back. I wasn’t good at taming my sense of authority, but I let him take control of a lot of things in my life. It made me uneasy, but I did it.

I thought I was helpless—a lost cause, but Tyler wouldn’t accept that. If anyone would do whatever one could to save me, I knew it would be this man. If I didn’t have even the slightest hope that what he thought was possible, I wouldn’t come to him so often.

His penetrating stare seared me every single time. The green flecks in his eyes twinkled similarly to my mother’s. They held a horrific nostalgia that prompted my ability to trust.

“I know it’s the wrong move, but I’ve always been good at taking what I want, no matter the price.”

He lifted an eyebrow. Again. Disapproval. I’m sure I wouldn’t recognize approval because I’ve never seen that look thrown my way, but this… disapproval? Yeah, I was very familiar with it.

“It’s not fair to pull her into your life at a time when you’re unsteady. It’s not fair not to tell her everything. You’re going to wreck that woman.”

I portrayed a smooth, steady man on the outside, but inside, I knew I was teetering on the edge, vibrating with bouts of rage that frightened even me. I showed Juliana and everyone what I wanted them to see, and not who I held within. I had the ability to see things differently than everyone else, and no one understood. No one outside of Tyler.

“I have it under control.”

“That’s the problem, Devlin. Your idea of control is over the top, and before you know it, she’ll be paying the price for your unfairly concocted imagery.”

Imagery? How could something so vivid, so solid, be an abstract? Tyler was determined to make me feel like I was my biggest problem. That I needed to face my biggest fear…

Becoming my father.

“Have you even entertained the idea that treatment can help your schizophrenia?”

I cringed as our eyes met again. I didn’t need to entertain the thought that I may be mentally unstable. He spoke of it as if it were a confirmed fact. And it was a possibility. I’d known it for years, but I didn’t need him to put labels on it in order for me to accept it. Accepting it wasn’t the problem. Learning to separate the real from the fake would be. Damien was never able to, and now Tyler was constantly trying to convince me the shit I knew was real, wasn’t there at all.

My father, Damien Ward, was a monster. It had nothing do with this illness Tyler thought he passed down to me. His soul was dark long before the onset of his schizophrenia.

I was well aware people saw me the way they’d seen him. It wasn’t something I tried to disavow. Most days I endorsed it. With what I’d been through and the things I had to do to survive, there was no space for weakness. Any tiny slip-up and I knew I’d be cut down.

Had I molded into the shell my father had created for me?

I’d like to say no. And though there were cracks in the mold, and I wasn’t exactly as he’d wanted, the violence and rage were definitely there, just tamer. I also liked to think I had a tighter rein over this illness than he had. Once I let this thing take over my mind, I knew Damien Ward’s infamy would have nothing on me.

“You need to back away from this woman. At least, until you start some form of treatment.”

I nodded, gathering my trench coat and heading for the door. We both knew my nod was not an affirmation to the counseling or drug therapy he was suggesting. I’d tried once, and the side effects kept me from continuing.

Tyler tried to convince me we just needed to find the right one, but I wasn’t in the mood to be thrown completely off balance looking for relief. I was more comfortable dealing with the familiar demons in my head. New ones weren’t welcome. I didn’t need to change the crazy—I needed it to come to a full stop.

“Devlin,” he called out as I gripped the doorknob. “She doesn’t know, does she?”