“Thea, come say goodbye,” Cam called, but I was looking at Damian who was leaning against his car looking back.
I couldn’t say goodbye, we had said our goodbyes, having to do it again would kill me, so I lifted my hand and smiled what I was sure was a sad smile before turning and heading back inside. I didn’t even reach the stairs when I felt a hand on my arm. He turned me into him and pulled me close, right up against his chest. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want that to be his last memory of me.
He didn’t say anything and neither did I. We had already said everything we needed to. He just held me for a really long time and when he walked away he took my heart with him.
It was hours later and I was sitting on our front stoop. I felt empty inside, had tears brimming my eyes that I fought to hold back. How the hell was I going to get through this? How was I going to learn to live without him? A car pulled up in front of the house and for a second I thought it was Damian coming back to me. It wasn’t. Anton climbed from the driver’s side. He strolled up my parents’ front path and joined me on the step.
He didn’t say anything, didn’t offer any words of comfort or greeting, he just sat silently next to me. I had been battling back my tears, but it hurt so damn much. I rested my head on Anton’s shoulder, a tear escaped and then another. He put his arm around me, pulled me closer, and I lost the battle with my tears.
Basic training was intense. The hours were long and by the time I went facedown on my bunk I was too fucking tired to think and still when I dreamed it was Thea I saw.
Boot camp was ten weeks and I was nine weeks into it. After boot camp there were several other training programs I had to complete before I was even considered for Ranger school. It wasn’t going to be easy. I’d heard stories about Ranger school, it was hard as hell, fucking brutal, but I was so ready to give it a go.
It’d been another exhausting day of training. I headed to my barracks for a shower before dinner at the mess hall. I was surprised to see the letter on my cot and when I saw the return address I actually got a little weak in the knees. Dropping onto my bunk, I ran my fingers over the delicate curves of her handwriting. I hadn’t wanted her to write and yet I’d kill anyone who tried to take this letter from me. My hands were actually shaking as I opened it.
Dear Damian,
I know you don’t want me to write and so I won’t after this letter, even though I don’t at all agree with your request.
I love you times 1,460. One ‘I love you’ for every day over the next four years. I won’t be there to say the words and so I’m putting them in the only letter I’m allowed to send. I’m sending kisses too, but not 1,460 because that would look weird, me kissing the paper 1,460 times.
I baked a batch of cookies, but they weren’t any better than the last batch, a little less charred but still inedible. I will conquer the cookie and when I do I’m sending you some and you can just deal.
You asked me to let you go, but I can’t. You are part of me. Every little thing I want to share with you, which was easy when you were right here, close enough for me to touch, but even with the distance between us you are still the first person I think about when I wake and the last person I think about before I go to sleep. I dream about you too, sometimes those dreams feel so real that when I wake it’s hard to accept you aren’t here.
I did a little research on the army and basic training, so I could imagine you and what you’re doing. I know my imagination doesn’t hold a candle to the challenges you’ll be facing, but know that I am with you every step of the way. And when the time comes when you’re deployed, know that there are people at home thinking about you, praying for you, loving you.
You asked me if I would follow you when you were re-stationed or would I wait by the phone when you’re deployed to hear if you were coming home? YES and YES. Anywhere you lead, I’ll follow.
Wherever you are, the places you go, the horrors you’ll see, the people you’ll befriend, please remember me…remember the girl with the crazy hair who is thinking about you every day. You’re not alone, Damian. You’ll never be alone again and you are loved...so much.
Please be safe, be happy and until I can see you again know my heart is with you because you own it.
Love always,
Thea
My chest ached and there was a burning behind my eyes. I reached into my pocket for the photograph Cam had given me the day I left, the picture of Thea that had changed my life. I touched her face and was grateful the barracks was empty because I did something I had never in my life done…I cried.