My uncle was right. I didn’t want to fucking admit it, but he was bang on. I had dug my grave and, to punish myself, I should be buried right alongside Jeremy. In some sick, twisted irony, the two graves had been dug. It was just a technicality that differentiated between the two.
In the past week, I had drowned myself in a sea of paperwork, punching bags, bourbon, and despair. The only actual contact I made to the outside world was when Carmichael came around to thank me again for the offer of the holiday. He had taken his wife out, wooed her like he was twenty again, and surprised her with my offered gift. He was there now, no doubt sunning it up with Cynthia and the girls, having a great time at the villa. I was glad for them. If Carmichael wanted to be a better man and Cynthia gave him that chance, all the best to them. Some things were just worth fighting for.
Tyler, on the other hand, looked like she had lost her fight. She looked so fragile curled up into a little ball with what looked like a packet of Twiglets in her hand. I wondered what had been the fascination with these Twiglets. I often saw them lying around the house and inside what I presumed would have been Jeremy’s room. A part of me wondered if, in some sick way, I didn’t orchestrate what I did just so it would halt any plans for that to happen. I had to have Tyler to myself at all costs.
It’s just that I had paid the ultimate price.
Tyler was never going to leave my thoughts, no matter how much I tried to push her out of them. Looking at her now, it was hard to comprehend how she could have done what she did to me. How on earth could what I heard and saw possibly have been real? I knew I had to go to her tonight. I knew I had to comfort her. Not because it felt like a way of getting back at her, but because I felt I could offer her the comfort she needed. I knew she had turned everyone else away. I knew it was a great possibility she would do the same to me. But I had to try. I had to offer her the chance to turn me away. It would only be what I deserved.
So, with my mind made up, I stepped forward, careful with my footing so as not to frighten her or disturb her too much. I sat on the bed, pulling my knees up towards her so that my feet could dangle off the bed. With a little tug, I pulled her to me, one arm draped around her, and instantly got that whiff of her beautiful coconut scent. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and breathe her in.
“You haven’t been here,” she whispered, a croak in her voice. I could instantly smell the alcohol and it tore me up that she had been suffering on her own, drinking on her own. She should never get to that stage where the only comfort she had was at the bottom of a bottle.
But wasn’t that what I came for? Her destruction, her demise, her pain? Wasn’t that what I truly desired?
“I’m sorry,” I whispered back, and I truly meant it. I meant it more than she could ever know.
“But you’re here now,” she sighed, resolutely.
“Yes. I am here now.” I wrapped my arm around her more tightly.
“But for how long.”
Closing my eyes, I fought hard to keep the sigh that wanted to escape me inside. She wasn’t asking the question, she was merely stating the obvious. I came. I took. I fucked off. That was me wrapped up in one hell of a sick, fucked-up package.
“Do you want me to leave?” I had to ask. I had to know the answer to the burning question. She had been turning everyone away all week. Could she see it in her to do the same with me?
“No.” She whispered it so faintly, it would have been hard to hear if it wasn’t for the fact that I was expecting a yes or no. “Please stay.”
I sighed heavily and cradled her more tenderly in my arms. I knew this was what she wanted all along. In any other circumstance, I would have denied her, but I craved her just as much as she did me. Our relationship had turned twisted, but it had worked. I never thought it would ever come to this, but Tyler surprised me again and again.
So, I had to give her this. I had to show her any amount of comfort I could. She was suffering and had been turning down offers of support. I couldn’t see it in my heart to be the one that turned her down when she obviously needed me. It defied logic, but she needed me.
For a while, we lay there. For a moment, I thought she had fallen asleep. I was about to move when she suddenly turned to look at me. Without warning, she lifted her hand to my face and stroked my cheek. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and lean into her touch.
“Kiss me,” she whispered, making my eyes pop open again. “Please, just for today. Kiss me.”
I agonised with the word no playing on the edge of my tongue. I had to say it, for my own good as well as Tyler’s. But, for some reason, my tongue got stuck. It wouldn’t move and it just remained stoic as she stared at me with hope and desperation in her eyes.