I pocket the piece of paper and exit.
THERE’S NO ONE HOME WHEN I return from dropping Cereus at school, no note, just this empty house mocking me with the truth that we may never hear another child’s laugh grace these halls. I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe he doesn’t want another child and that’s the cause of his distance. He seems to be thawing from whatever froze over him. I don’t know whether it’s because he thinks I’ve given up the hope of another child, which I have; I’m re-taking my birth control pills. I just hate that this is his way of communicating his feelings on an idea that was both of ours to start with. I keep telling myself that can’t be the cause but it’s the only thing that’s changed in our lives. He appeared to be his normal self this morning when Cereus was joking around about Zane, and it was so beautiful to see my husband back. Maybe I should tell him about Zane and I reconnecting, and the plans we’ve made to meet up for dinner. We lost touch over the years but never stopped caring or wondering how the other was doing. Life gets in the way and people you could never imagine your life without at one point become memories you relive with a smile and a reminder to call them, and then years pass but you never made the call.
I call my accountant and busy myself with some work I do from home and then take a shower and a nap. I haven’t been sleeping well lately; the nightmares still occupy my dreams leaving me exhausted every day.
Cereus is never here, instead spending all her time with her new band mates. I’m surprised she decided to become part of Lucy’s band, since she’s only ever wanted to draw. She’s amazing and her dream is to travel and then set up an art studio. I’m so proud of the woman she’s becoming. She has a dream and a direction. I told her if she studies hard and earns her degree, I’d fund her traveling and give her the start-up funds she’ll need for her studio. Blake had a trust fund set up for her since he first heard her heartbeat on the ultrasound. She’ll get access when she turns twenty-five, and like me, won’t have to worry about money for the rest of her life. Even knowing she has money coming to her, and knowing how well off her Dad and I are, she doesn’t want to live off her trust fund; she has aspirations. I try to keep us all grounded despite our wealth, and Blake has his own fortune but still keeps the job he’s great at.
The impact of Ryan’s crimes had an impact on Blake more than me. I was a victim of a psychopath over a small time in my life, and yes the consequences were drastic and devastating, but Blake was a victim his whole life and to be a in his line of work and not see the tide rolling in where Ryan was concerned really broke him. He protected and provided for a brother he loved more than his own life, and he was played for a fool and lost a lot of himself by Ryan’s hand.
I turn over, read the alarm clock on the bedside table and moan when it reads five p.m. I only came in here an hour ago. I startle when the bed dips, and Blake’s smile beams at me.
“Hey,” I murmur.
“Hey, baby.” He tugs some of my loose hair and then tucks it behind my ear. “Did you manage to sleep?” I shrug his question off. I don’t want to get into my nightmares with him. “You smell so good,” he says, breathing me in. His lips find the sensitive flesh behind my ear, his warm breath sending chills through my body when it hits and disperses over my skin. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Mel.”
I laugh. “I’m a mess. I just woke.” I attempt to rub my tired eyes and tame my locks.
He grabs my hands. “If I could gift you one thing, it would be to see yourself through my eyes, so you can see how incredible you are, how beautiful you are and how much you’re loved and how your love is what powers me, keeps my heart beating.”
Emotions take my will not to cry, and tears leak from my eyes, falling like heavy raindrops onto my cheeks. Worry contorts his features and he moves closer, bringing the pads of his thumbs to swipe my tears away. “Don’t cry, baby. Talk to me?”
I sniffle and try to gain control of myself. “I just feel directionless, purposeless because we’re so out of sync. You’re changing or reverting, I don’t know. What I do know is I don’t know my role in this world if it’s not loving you and being loved by you.”
Kisses pepper my cheeks and eyes and I’m pinned against his chest. His hand grasps at my hair, fisting it and holding me so tight I can barely breathe, but God knows I will die here if it means we’re still us.
“I never want you to feel that way. I’m sorry, this is my fault. I did this to us.”