I was going to be a father. The thought kept hitting me hard. It felt like a punch in the gut, or like someone was rousing me from a dream. It couldn’t be true. Not that I had anything against having children - I just wasn’t sure I was cut out for fatherhood. But I didn’t have a choice now, because there was no doubt in my mind that I would be part of my child’s life. I hardly knew Danielle, though I knew she was a good person and a good mom. She didn’t want a relationship with me, and that was fine - but I wasn’t letting her be a single mom. I would step up, be there for my kid.
Even if the thought of being responsible for another human being terrified the shit out of me. It scared me more than going into the military or entering enemy territory in Afghanistan. Because it wasn’t just my life at stake anymore.
I ordered the food in a blur, feeling terrible for not engaging in small talk with the diner owner, Felicity. She was always so polite and friendly, and normally we’d talk about the weather or the rebuild efforts or something. But today, I just wanted to get my food and go.
She seemed to be okay with that, handing me the bag with my food in it and telling me to have a good day. I climbed back in my truck, my stomach growling at the scent of bacon and homemade biscuits and gravy wafting from the bag.
I drove to Calvin’s house, and as suspected, he was awake. He was sitting on his front porch when I pulled up.
“You’re up early,” he observed as I got out of the truck.
“Yeah, decided to get some breakfast. Thought you might like some too.”
Calvin’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t have to baby me, you know.”
“I know,” I said, grabbing the bag and walking up the path to the porch. “But to be honest, I needed this more than you do.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have a lot going on right now, and I didn’t feel like going home,” I said. “So this is a nice distraction.”
Calvin stood up and motioned for me to follow him inside.
“Problems with the pretty little dog trainer who’s certainly not your girlfriend or anything?” Calvin winked at me. He’d been saying for weeks now that the chemistry between Danielle and me was off the charts, but I continued to deny that there was anything between us.
Now I would have to face that lie head on and admit the truth. Not only to Calvin, but also myself.
“Not problems exactly,” I said, placing the bag on the table. I opened it as Calvin gathered some plates and silverware. I placed the boxes of food on the table. One biscuit and gravy for him, one for me, and an order of bacon to share.
Calvin sat down across from me just as I took a seat myself.
“So if there’s no problems, are you finally admitting that you have feelings for the woman?”
I grabbed a piece of bacon and stuffed it in my mouth, clearly a tactic to avoid answering the question right away. Calvin cocked his brow.
“No, not exactly.” I wasn’t sure if I could say the words.
“Then out with it, son. It’s clear you came over here to talk, so talk.”
I took a heaping forkful of biscuits and sausage gravy and chowed down, again, buying time. Calvin dug into his own meal but kept his eyes on me, letting me know I wasn’t off the hook simply by shoving huge bites into my mouth.
Finally, after a few moments of awkward silence and pointed looks from Calvin, I blurted out, “She’s pregnant.”
The words felt surreal. It didn’t even sound like my voice.
Calvin dropped the piece of bacon he was holding and pretended he did it on purpose by dragging it through the gravy before picking it up again. After clearing the shock from his throat, he asked, “And it’s your baby, I presume?”
I nodded.
“Damn liar,” he grumbled. “I said there was something going on between the two of you, but you insisted there wasn’t.”
“I know, Calvin,” I sighed. “It was just one time, I swear.” Or two if you counted the night before.
“It only takes one time,” Calvin said. “But clearly you know that already.”
I didn’t respond, I just went back to eating, even though I suddenly found myself not very hungry. Even though I had the best biscuits and gravy sitting right in front of me, I no longer had a desire to eat. I put my fork down and pushed my food away.
“I suppose congratulations are in order?” Calvin posed it as a question.
“I don’t know,” I answered.
“Come on, Mason. You and Danielle clearly have chemistry, and a baby! Babies are always a cause for celebration.”
He was trying to be cheerful, or maybe he truly felt happy for me. I’d never asked Calvin about what he thought of kids. He never had any, so I had assumed he never wanted them, but he was gay, and in his time, that wasn’t an accepted lifestyle choice. He wouldn’t have been able to adopt, much less consider any other options for having children naturally.
From the way he’d interacted with Skyler, and from his response to my news, it became clear - he apparently did have a soft spot for kids. Which made me sad that he’d never had his happily ever after, and possibly never would.
“You don’t look that happy about it,” he said slowly.
“Well, to be fair, I’m not unhappy. I like kids. I’m just not sure I’ll make a good father. My own dad was hardly around when I was growing up. I had my grandpa until he passed away, but he wasn’t that great with kids. I don’t even know what a hands-on father figure really looks like.” My chest tightened as I thought about everything that came with fatherhood. I had always tried to avoid being responsible for another person’s well-being, which was why I hadn’t dated since losing Katie.
“Ah, but no one thinks they’ll make a good father. Everyone worries they’ll be terrible at it, and sure, everyone makes mistakes. But I believe the people who do worry about being a good parent make the best parents.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because they always strive to be better.”
“Huh,” I said, mulling over his words.
“And I know there’s more to it than that, because I know you, Mason.”
“What do you mean?”
“The stuff with Katie. I know you’re afraid to be responsible for anyone but let me tell you - what happened with her was a freak incident. It’s not something that happens every day, especially when you’re not engaged in war. Civilian life is a lot safer, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.” He lowered his voice toward the end.
Calvin continued eating his breakfast, and we sat in silence, eating our meals. I thought over his words, and I knew he was right. It was very unlikely that someone I loved would get caught in a missile attack or drive over an IED in Liberty. But there were so many other ways to lose someone - and when it came to a defenseless child, so many ways to fuck it up.
I decided to change the subject. “Tell me more about Steve.”
Calvin froze, his body stiffening. “What do you want to know?”
“I don’t know,” I said nonchalantly. “Anything you care to share. You said he married someone in his hometown. Where was that?’
I had a reason for asking, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. Maybe it was a reach, but I felt like Calvin deserved his own happy ending, and maybe there was a way that could be possible.
Or maybe the thing with Danielle had turned me into a hopeless romantic.
Calvin sighed and said, “Charleston, South Carolina.”
“Oh, a southern gentleman,” I said with a hint of teasing in my voice. “No wonder you were smitten.”
Calvin had a distant look on his face, as if he was looking back in time. It only lasted a moment before he said, “Yeah, but being from the South made things harder. At the time, I was thinking of moving to San Francisco, where things might be easier for people like us. But Steve was a true Southerner and couldn’t imagine leaving his family behind, even though they were religious and would never accept him for who he was.”
“Which is why he married. What was her name? Do you know, by chance?” I hated bringing up the painful parts, but it might aid me in my search.
“Laura Chevalier. They went to high school together. They’d dated for a short while before Steve shipped off, but his parents assumed that as soon as he got back, they’d tie the knot. And they did.”
I nodded, humming. “I wonder if they’re still married.”
Calvin studied me for a second, as if an alien had taken over my body. Not sure why I suddenly decided to dig up dirt on old Steve. For all I knew, he was dead or happily married with fifteen kids. And even if he wasn’t, maybe the two of them wouldn’t reconnect.
But I continued with the act regardless. If anything, it kept my mind off Danielle and the baby for a few moments longer, and it gave me a sense of purpose. After all, I found people for a living. That was a big part of what I did. If I could find Steve, maybe… I didn't want to get too ahead of myself.
Ooo000ooo
“Come on, could you drive any slower,” I muttered under my breath.
I checked the time and knew that Eli was going to throw a shit fit. There was no way I would make it in time for the meeting he’d set up a few days ago. Not while stuck behind this truck driving at a snail’s pace down a road barely big enough for one vehicle. I couldn’t pass, so I was good and stuck.