Julia took in a shuddery inhale, as if she was thinking the same thing.
"According to Henry's letter, that was the beginning of his pattern," I said. "And he would know, he's known Alex for years and his M.O. He takes girls-after he severely impairs them, or finds them severely impaired-to some, I don't know, some honeymoon cabin at the beach. It's date rape but on steroids. Sleeping with girls either too young or too wasted to know what they're doing, then bragging about never using protection. What kind of sicko does that?"
"I heard that around campus," Julia admitted, tugging at her hair. "But I just couldn't believe it." She'd grown thinner the last few months, paler, too.
We sat on my bed and talked for another hour, dissecting the words of the letter that I had practically memorized.
"When I think of what Henry's family's been through … " I said, feeling queasy all over again. "And I'm sure my hanging out with Alex hurt him, too."
"How were you supposed to know?" Julia said. "Did Henry breathe one word of it to you before now?"
"I think he tried," I admitted. "But I wouldn't listen." I fell back on the bed and flung an arm over my eyes. "Read me the bottom of the last page," I requested.
"Are you sure?" I moved my arm long enough to give her a look. She cleared her throat. "‘Spring.' He has very nice penmanship, doesn't he?"
I shot her another look.
"‘Spring,'" she began again, reading the end of Henry's letter. "'You are the most intelligent, talented and resolute person I have ever known. Your loyalty to your friends and your absolute sense of self overwhelms me. As I've sat in this room, waiting for you to arrive and then realizing you're not going to, I've taken stock of the situation, and this is what I've come away with: I want you to know how much of a pleasure it was to have had you in my life. You changed me, Spring. Know that, if nothing else. Know that you made me smile and trust and see the future like I never have. Wherever you go in life and whatever causes you choose to undertake will be fortunate to have you. I wish you great success with wherever life takes you.'"
I felt tears clinging to the corners of my eyes as I stared up at the ceiling.
"It sounds like a good-bye," Julia said, folding the pages.
"It was." I sniffled. "That last night, he told me he was thinking about doing the rest of the semester online. My text to him bounced back, so either he's somewhere too remote for his cell to get reception, or it's disconnected." I rolled over. "He talked about Switzerland and Tahiti and he has all the money in the world, so who knows where he is."
"I'm sorry," Julia whispered, stroking my arm.
I looked at her, at her sad smile. "How are you doing, bunny?"
"Better, I think." She didn't sound all that convincing. "Really." She slid back against the wall, pulled her long legs into her arms and rested her chin on her knees. "I'm over Dart. I've moved on."
"That's good," I said, not knowing what else to say. I still wasn't sure if I should tell her everything I knew. If she claimed she was over Dart, would that help now? I felt a twinge of guilt, knowing that I was lying to one of my best friends.
I rolled onto my knees and sat cross-legged in the middle of the bed. "Things were pretty intense there for a while," I said. "Between you and Dart, I mean."
"Yeah." She ran her fingers down the side stitching of her pink sweatpants. "It was intense."
"I didn't know how to help you," I admitted, trying to express the proper sentiment but knowing I was falling short. "I mean, I didn't know what to say. Girls handle losing their virginity in different ways. I was really worried that with Dart being your first, you would flip out when he left."
"I did flip out," she said, her lips tipping into a tiny smile.
"Yeah, you did," I agreed. "Maybe I expected you to flip out even more."
"Well, there's always tomorrow," she added with another smile. A moment later, though, it dropped and she exhaled. "I still don't know what happened. Something must've went wrong, right? We were so close, so perfect and then … " She broke off and bit her thumbnail. "Not even Anabel's advice helped me keep him."
I sat up. "What did Anabel tell you to do?"
"At first she told me to be all sexy with him. You saw what she gave me for Thanksgiving."
"Yeah," I said, remembering that black lacy whatever in the corner of her suitcase.
"It was too embarrassing. I didn't want to pretend to be someone like that, even to get close to Dart."
"Someone like Anabel, you mean?"
She nodded. "A few days before we all left for Christmas, I talked to her again."
I couldn't help groaning. Julia must've been truly desperate to keep going back to our promiscuous roommate for romance advice. I wished I could've helped her back then, but I was even more clueless.
"She told me to reel back," Julia continued. "That to really hook a man, body and soul, I should be cold and distant. Give it to him then take it away. Brigitte Bardot, she kept telling me to Brigitte Bardot."
"That French model from the fifties?"
"She showed me pictures of her all pouty and frowny. She looked like a snob to me, but, I don't know, that's what Anabel said to do, so … "
"So that's what you did," I said weakly, feeling for those other two pages of Henry's letter hidden in my back pocket. It was as if the printed words were burning into my skin, yelling at me to listen as I replayed them in my mind:
"Last year, my roommate was engaged, but his fiancée cheated on him. When it all came out, she told him she'd never loved him, that it was some kind of bet. I don't know the whole story, but I witnessed firsthand the devastation it caused. You know my friend as a pretty cheerful guy, but that person was gone for a long time. As his best friend, it was hard to watch. When he started dating your roommate so soon after, I admit, I wasn't behind it 100 percent. But it was his life to live. She was over at our house a lot, which I didn't mind; I thought she was a sweet girl, and she made him happy. Maybe a week before the winter break, I couldn't help noticing that she seemed like a different person, less talkative, more withdrawn, even a little rude to him. At first I wrote it off as final exams stress, but one night she was over and I heard her talking on the phone. Someone was coaching her, telling her how to act. Maybe I'd become too protective, but it infuriated me to hear what she was planning on doing. It wasn't fair that someone was messing with my friend again. A few days later we were leaving for winter break. He and I drove together to the airport and I told him what I'd overheard. I told him his girlfriend was playing him. What he did after that, I don't know exactly, but I do know he wasn't ready to go back to Stanford and live across the street from her. I'd do anything for someone I care about, so I chose to move away from campus, too."
I heard a ringing in my ears, and my hand was shaking when I held it to my forehead. I almost couldn't breathe, knowing what I knew now. It made sense. Henry was right, he was only thinking of his friend, trying to help. And I'd yelled at him, wouldn't listen, didn't believe him when he'd tried to explain.
My mind was going numb. I stared at Julia's lowered eyes, wondering if I should come clean about everything. But would it do any good at this point? Dart was still gone. It might make everything worse.
Julia slid off the bed and stood, peering at herself in the mirror. "A few weeks ago, I was really lonely. I missed Dart so much and … " She tucked her hands under her arms, turning away from her reflection. "I … I got so angry at him. He was my first, ya know? It was supposed to be special for both of us, right?"
"Um, right," I offered, trying to follow along. I felt so sorry for Julia. Heartbroken for her. But a corner of my heart stung for Henry now, too. He thought he'd done the right thing, even if that meant hurting his best friend. As I gazed at Julia, I understood exactly how he must have felt.
"But then I was thinking," Julia continued, "if Dart could just up and leave like that, I guess it wasn't so special after all." She kicked the metal bed frame, her voice sounding more cynical than I'd ever heard, and bitter, too. "I was wondering, seriously, what's the big deal? It's just sex, right? But I'd built it up to be this huge monumental event, when it was basically like I was getting it over with. If it's not special, I should walk to campus and bring some random guy home."