“I know. I can’t help it. It’s a serious concern. It feels so premature even bringing this up to you, but I feel like you need to figure out if you’d ever want a baby of your own. Because I may not have much time left to give you one—that is, if I’m even able to give you one at all.”
Simon blinked several times in a row and seemed to be absorbing my words. “Wow. Alright. I’m going to be honest here. For many years, I was convinced that I didn’t ever want to bear the responsibility of a child. Part of that had to do with my maturity level at the time and an even bigger part had to do with guilt feelings over Blake—fears of inadequacy, things like that.”
Interrupting him, I said, “I feel awful bringing this up now. I know it’s too soon to even be thinking about this.”
“Why are you feeling awful? I always expect you to tell me exactly what’s on your mind. We need to always be honest with each other.”
“I don’t expect you to make any decision now or anything. But I do want you to ponder it. Because if a baby is something you do want, I can’t be sure it will happen, and we don’t have forever to try.”
“Okay…I’ll think about it. Give me a few.”
“A few months?”
“No, a few seconds.” He closed his eyes tightly before his eyes flashed open. “Okay, I’ve thought about it.”
“You have?”
“And my conclusion is that I don’t need to think about it. Because in my heart, I know that I would love to have a baby with you. But not if it’s going to cause you stress and anxiety. Do I want it? Yes. Because I love you, and I would love to experience that with you. And of course, it’s crossed my mind before, Bridget—often, actually. So…as long as it’s not putting you in any danger, I would be open to whatever you want. But I’m going to make it very clear that I don’t need a child of my own blood to feel fulfilled. So if it doesn’t happen, that’s fine, too.”
“I think you say that now, because you’re still young. But you’ll regret it if you don’t. You’re such a beautiful man. I couldn’t imagine you not procreating.”
“Let me ask you this. Do you want another child? That’s just as important as whether I want one. I wouldn’t be the person carrying it, you know.”
I didn’t have to think about the answer to that question. “Yes. I do. I just never thought that would be possible for me again.”
Simon pulled me into him, caressing my hair as I rested my head on his chest. He spoke softly. “This entire year has felt like fate to me—the way we met, how I ended up here of all places in the world. Why not leave this up to fate, too? Let’s not worry about it so much that it causes stress but rather take the attitude that if it happens, it happens.”
“Well, I’m on the pill…so it’s not going to happen if—”
“Why don’t you throw those out tonight?”
I looked up at him. “Are you serious? You…want to start now? Would you be ready if it happened?”
“This baby would be a part of you and me. I don’t even have to think about whether I would want it. I am prepared for it to happen. We would also have to be prepared to deal with things if it didn’t happen, either, I suppose.”
“Yes. I’ve been down this road before, and it can be very devastating when you’re expecting it to happen and it doesn’t.”
“Here’s what we’re going to do,” he said. “We’re gonna fuck each other a lot and love each other a lot—like we always do. And we’ll leave it up to fate, okay?”
I smiled, so relieved that we’d had this conversation. “Okay.”
The next day, I’d just gotten home from picking up Brendan from school. Simon was in the kitchen making us an early dinner before his shift later that night.
“You think the results might be in?” he asked.
“I’m gonna head to my room and check.”
He put down his pasta tongs. “Want me to come with you?”
“No. I’ll be fine. Be right back.”
Once in my room, I opened my laptop and logged into the DNA testing company’s secure online portal. I punched in my password. To my surprise, the status had changed from Processing to Results to Available. I knew if I clicked, that was going to be it. I would find out if my son had a half-sibling.
Should I wait?
Was I ready?
Without thinking it through too much, I clicked and scrolled down to find the words that would completely change the tone of my night.
Results: Brendan Valentine is excluded as a relative of Olivia Delmonico.