“Asshole,” I mutter and keep marching.
It’s not until I reach my locker that it makes sense. Scribbled in black marker on my silver locker are the words LEAVE SLUT.
My mouth dries. Nausea boils in my stomach. That word. That fucking word.
Someone is behind me, and she laughs.
No matter how many times I walk through the doors of Camden, they’ll never forget who I am and what happened to me—
Shake it off. No self-pity allowed. Zero.
With fumbling fingers, I open the lock, take out my book, and slam it shut.
When I turn, Jolena is there, eyes sparkling. She holds her hands up. “Don’t blow up at me. I didn’t do it, but boy do I like it.”
The final bell rings. We’re late to class.
She doesn’t move, smiling still.
I tilt my head toward my locker. “You think that bothers me?” It KILLS ME. Loneliness sucks at me and I clench my fists. “What a joke. At least it’s not, oh, I don’t know—a violation of my body. Yeah, that is so much worse. Plus, the missing comma is deplorable. Whoever wrote it is an idiot.”
“Stay away from the football players, Ava,” she calls to my back as I walk away. “And I don’t just mean Liam. Knox too. He belongs to us. Don’t forget it.”
How can I forget?
On trembling legs, I walk to the office and find Mrs. Carmichael. In a toneless voice I stare at her flowered blouse and tell her what’s on my locker, and she murmurs words I barely hear. “Oh, no, terrible…kids these day…so sorry for you. I’ll get maintenance on it, I’m sure we have something to remove it…” Blah, blah, blah.
She hands me a note to class and I accept it then run to the bathroom, finding the last stall and sitting on the toilet, my legs tucked up so no one can see me. My stomach rolls, thick and heavy, and I shove it down.
I call the elementary campus and ask for Dr. Rivers. Time passes, but I don’t care how long it takes until her voice is on the line and I ask to speak to Tyler. She tells me no, they don’t pull students from class to talk on the phone. I tell her I need to hear his voice just for one minute, and can’t I please, please, please just talk to him, and eventually I say I don’t think I can get up and go to class until I hear his voice. There’s a long silence until finally, Tyler comes, and I hear him talking to Dr. Rivers, some shuffling, and then his tiny breathy voice on the line, saying hello, and I close my eyes.
“How’s your first day, bozo?” My voice isn’t right, but at least I have it.
“Balls! It’s amazing!” I feel the smile on his face all the way from his school. “We’re doing science and I got a partner and we got to lay down on this long paper and outline each other and now we’re gonna use yarn to make the blood vessels! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it?” He sighs.
“So cool.”
He goes on and on and we make a plan for him to come eat tacos with me and Piper tonight, and it’s well past the minute I told Dr. Rivers, and then he’s gone and she’s on the line, asking if I’m okay, and should she call Mr. Trask, and I lie and tell her I’ll be fine. I hang up and touch my cheeks to make sure they’re dry; they are, thank God, because please, I don’t want to cry.
Not here in this godforsaken place.
Walking out of the stall, I look at myself in the mirror. Pale. Too skinny. Dark shadows under my eyes. Black hair. I’d be goth if not for the bright uniform. From my purse, I fish out my red lipstick and slide it on, considering my reflection. I can be strong for Tyler. I can make this shitty road mine. Own it. Use it. And someday, someday, I’ll have a beautiful road, smooth and easy and perfect.
“So you aren’t going to let these assholes get to you, Ava?” I say to the scared girl in the mirror.
“No. Not yet. I’m not quitting. Only cowards quit.”
Whipping out a marker, I leave a little message on the wall with hearts around it.
Then I walk out and go to class.
11
I’m nervous when I pull into the parking lot of Lou’s. My heart is jumping in my chest at the prospect of seeing her, and it’s so wrong. Chance flashes through my head, his broken words to Ava and, shit, just the way he stared at her with his heart in his eyes. About time he tried to apologize, but I wasn’t surprised she refused him. Considering what happened to her and how he let her down, I’m not sure forgiveness is in the cards.
There’s a wall around me, but she’s got one up too.
She’s the eye of a hurricane, the winds of her pain whipping around her.
I pop my visor down to look in the mirror and straighten my freshly showered hair, tugging on it to soften the right side of my face. Here goes nothing. I exit and stop for a moment in front of the glass door, checking my reflection. Jeans and a tight shirt that shows off my arms—check. Cologne she says she hates but really loves—check.
This isn’t a date, asshole.
Uh-huh.
So why am I rippling with anxiousness?
My palms are clammy when I open the door to Lou’s, which is in a really shitty part of town.
A grizzly-looking man with a beard in a stained white apron sits behind the counter. He gives me a hard once-over. His lips tighten. “She’s sitting in the back.”
I nod. Okay, so he knows who I am and he doesn’t like my puss at all. Fine, fine. Not here for him, and I can’t even blame him.
My steps are too damn eager as I walk to the back of the diner and slide into the red booth across from her. I saw her in class today, but we had a pop quiz over The Wizard of Oz and there wasn’t time for talking. She ate lunch with Wyatt and Piper, clear across the cafeteria from the Shark table. I watched her, pretending I wasn’t when Dane asked me why I was distracted.
Wearing frayed cut-off shorts and a faded yellow Sex Pistols shirt, she’s heartbreakingly beautiful. Her hair swings softly around her shoulders, and I feel a pang for the blonde style she wore last year. I may have had a weakness for her hair. Stupid.
“You’re early. Eager to get started?” she murmurs, setting her laptop aside and looking over at me.
Clearing my throat, I check out the interior of the diner. Cracked linoleum on the floor, walls that need another coat of blue paint, old Formica booths, and a dingy metal napkin holder next to those generic squeezable mustard and ketchup containers. A dark hallway at the back leads to a narrow space where I imagine the restrooms are. It’s not an ideal place to be alone with her for the first time without anyone from school here, but I’ll take it.
I settle in, stretching out my legs. My foot brushes hers under the table and she subtly pulls it back while I mutter an apology. “Yeah. Guess you still beat me here. Did you work a shift?”
“Not today. I saw Tyler earlier. He lives nearby at the group home. How did you know I worked here?”
Oh, Ava. I know so much.
I wave her off.
“How is he doing at Camden Prep?”
Her head cocks. “Dude, how you’d even know he was there?”
I shrug and bite back a smile at her dude. She’s getting more comfortable with me with each little moment. Is that what I want? Right now, in this moment, fuck yeah.
“Trask emailed the board and asked for a scholarship for him. My dad is on the board. He mentioned it.” Several times. That was a strange phone call on Monday when I heard the hesitant tone in Dad’s voice as he asked me if Ava was really back. Since he is on the board, he also knew Trask wanted her back, and although he felt uneasy about it, he voted yes to call her and offer the scholarship for her senior year. Like me, he recalls the spiral Dane went into after the kegger last year.
“I take it he’s found a good place?”
One of her soft smiles graces her face, and I inhale at the effect it has on my insides. “He freaking loves it so much. Loves the administration, the teachers, the kids—everything.”
I finger the menu that’s behind the napkin holder. “That’s why you came back, right? I figure you marched into Trask’s office, bragged about your big brain, maybe tossed in some threats, then asked for him to be a student.”
She chews on her bottom lip. “Why would you think that?”
“You’ve got balls. It’s what I would have done. And I can’t think of any other reason why you’d come back.”
Her lashes flutter for a moment on her cheeks as if what I’ve said makes her feel pleased.
“Wow, Knox. You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my motives. Glad I’ve been on your mind.”
Only for about three years.
“What can I get you?” It’s the guy from the counter. He scratches at his beard and gives Ava a tender look then throws me a scowl.
She smiles broadly up at him. “Burger and fries for me, Lou. Hold the mayo. Extra tomato. You know how I like it. Coke.”
Bushy brows furrow in my direction. “You?”
“Same. Water to drink.” Dammit. I hate tomatoes. What is wrong with me?
He wanders off and yells to a girl in the kitchen who’s busy over a grill.
“He doesn’t like me.”
She laughs. “Ah, poor Knox, doesn’t have any friends in the city. I’ve worked here for three years, and Lou treats me well.”
“Good.”
She leans in. “I’ll tell you a secret: Lou’s terrified of the nuns when they drop Tyler off here to eat with me. Calls them female Darth Vaders.”