Dear Ava(16)

He shoves at my chest, trying to push me away, but I grab his shirt to pull him back and slam my fist into his eye.

“Stop!” Chance jumps between us, but I wrestle out of his grasp and face off with Liam again.

I spit. “Get in line like everyone else and follow the rules I set.”

“You hit me first! Some captain you are,” he calls out, his chest puffing up.

“Stop, please!” Dane begs, clutching my arms as some of the defensive players pull Liam away.

I jerk out of his hold and nod my head at Liam. “And you call him your best friend? Did you not hear what he said?”

I’m talking about Mom and what she went through, but they don’t know what broke her in the end, and their eyes bounce back and forth between us, watching Dane pale.

“And you,” I say, spinning to Chance. “She cared about you,” I growl. “And she doesn’t lie. She walked back in here because she’s better than you…and me.” I tug at my jersey and let it pop. “How does it feel to know you turned your back on a girl like her? Wake up, Chance.”

His mouth gapes. He’s stunned. “Knox…”

“Everything okay, boys?” Coach’s voice cuts into the tension as he approaches us.

A long exhalation comes from my chest.

I’m losing it, but I can’t seem to stop myself from caring. I’ve kept this anger and resentment bottled up for months, thinking I had control of it, but since she came back…fuck.

Coach looks at all of us warily. “No more bullshit. If you want to be a team, you need to start acting like one.” He pauses. “If this is about last year, we’re past that. Got it?”

I glare at Liam.

“Knox! Do you want a championship this year or not?” Coach touches my arm and focuses a hard glance on my face.

“Yes, sir.” I nod, slowly forcing my shoulders to loosen.

I turn steely eyes on Liam, smirking at the swelling I see under his left eye. Figure I’ll have one to match. I lean over to him, keeping my voice low. “I mean it. Say her name again and I’ll fucking hurt you.”

Anger colors his face and he sneers but can’t hold my gaze.

That’s right, asshole. Be scared.





9





Tyler looks up at me with wary blue eyes, and I read the nervousness there. I smile down at him. On the other side is Sister Margaret, holding his other hand.

“W-Will they like me?” he asks as we walk into the elementary campus of Camden and head toward the sign that points to the headmaster’s office. Dr. Rivers, a lady I researched online, appears to be well-educated and admired by colleagues and former students here. I met with her yesterday after school, and she’s expecting us. I see her down the hall, approaching from her office. I look back down at Tyler. Geeze, he’s so small compared to kids his own age. Like many children with FAS, he has small eyes, thin lips, and a small upturned nose. He’s holding his backpack with fingers that are disjointed and knotty, not that it holds him back. He’s a normal rambunctious kid who loves sports, especially running. His little legs are quick, and he can move like the wind. He does have slight hearing loss and thick wraparound glasses sit perched on his nose, but thankfully he was spared heart or kidney defects.

I lean down until I’m at eye level. “You better believe it. Plus, you’re brave.”

“Like when Luke and Han take down the Death Star?”

I laugh. “Just like that. They were just like you once, little but strong.”

“Will I get a medal like they did? Will people clap and stuff?”

“A gold star for sure, and I’m always cheering for you.”

He nods. “Okay, I’ll do it.”

I sigh. Dang, I’m going to miss seeing him at the group home. “If you want, you can spend the night with me in my dorm and I can bring you to school tomorrow?” Sisters of Charity isn’t run by the state of Tennessee, and thankfully there’s some leeway in the group home’s rules. I’m eighteen and his sister; they’ve agreed to let me sign him out for little excursions before. I’m not actually sure if he can stay the night with me, but I glance up at Sister Margaret and she nods.

I straighten the collar on his little blazer, which I picked up yesterday. Dr. Rivers stayed late for me, which was nice of her.

He bites on his fingernails. “Maybe later I’ll stay over. I-I like to sleep in my own bed. And Axel is there. He might miss me.”

I smile. Of course. That’s his home, and Axel is his best friend.

“Okay, that’s cool. We can go get an ice cream later this afternoon and you can tell me all about your day.”

He nods.

“Be good, okay? No darting off from your teachers, bozo. I mean it.”

He looks away from me, that look of stubbornness I know he gets from me growing on his face. “Th-They better be nice to me or I’ll cut their balls off and stuff them down their throats.”

Sister Margaret rolls her eyes.

“You can’t say those things here.”

“You say them,” he replies.

Sister Margaret gives me side-eye.

I hold my hands out. What does she expect? I was shuffled between tents under the bridge, a foster home, shelters, and inner-city apartments.

Tyler looks up at me. “I-I could have said fucking balls, so it’s not a bad word. Boys have balls. And a dick—”

I hold my hand up. “Nope. Can’t say that word either. School is a lot like Mass, okay? We have to be respectful.”

The nun shakes her head, but I swear I see her lips twitch.

I ruffle his hair. “Did you know they have a killer art department here? Check out that mural. It was done by students.”

He looks to where I’m pointing, an awed expression growing on his face. He adores drawing.

Dr. Rivers has reached us, wearing a smile, and I squeeze his thin shoulders. Tall and attractive, she’s dressed in a cream suit, her hair up in a sleek chignon. She’s here to greet us, which is noteworthy. I’ve never even been able to even talk on the phone with any of the administrators at Tyler’s old school.

My heart clutches, and hope—that thing that’s been so delicate and tenuous with me for months—grows a little stronger as I watch her bend down and greet him then offer to show him to his class.

She stands back up. “Tyler’s going to have a fantastic day, I assure you, and I have your number in case we need you.” She looks at Sister Margaret and nods. “We have the group home’s number as well. Everything’s all set.” She pauses. “Also, congratulations on getting him enrolled. Headmaster Trask pulled quite a few strings to get everything arranged.”

Good.

She smiles. “He’s going to fall in love with his teachers.”

That well of emotion pulls at me again, making my throat tighten. I look around at the artwork, the plush furniture I can see inside the classrooms, the excited faces of teachers as they greet each student. I can’t be his real mom, but I can do this. I can give him a good start. “Thank you.”

She nods and begins to walk with Tyler down the hall.

He sends me a final wave then gets distracted by a little girl who runs up to him, takes his other hand, and leads him off along with Dr. Rivers.

I did the right thing by coming back to Camden. I did. He’s going to be okay.





10





“Holy cow. That’s quite a shiner you’ve got there, Cold and Evil,” are the first words out of my mouth when I take my seat next to Knox in class. I barely made it here after dropping Tyler off, but the high school starts half an hour later than the elementary campus, so I had enough time. Even sat in my car for five minutes, waiting until the last second to get out. Still, I’m not late, and Mrs. White isn’t even standing at the podium yet.

My seat is a mere few inches from his, and I’m aware of the heat from his leg next to mine.

Knox eases away from me, putting more distance there, giving me a half-shrug as he keeps his gaze on his laptop. He’s erecting a force field. A big one.

It makes me want to tear it down, zap it with a ray-gun, peel back the layers, and see what’s underneath.

“If you don’t want to talk, all you have to say is Be quiet, Ava in that deep voice of yours.”

Dang, why did I have to say deep—like I’ve noticed what his voice sounds like.

He taps his fingers on the top of his thigh.

I’ve never seen someone so self-contained. Along with that force field, he’s got a few armored tanks set up on the perimeter when it comes to me. Locked down with cannons itching to fire.

Do not engage with Ava, they seem to declare.

It’s always been that way with him when it comes to me.

Except for that one time…



“Come on, Ava, let’s go upstairs to my room.” Chance breathes in my ear. His hands are on my ass, palming me as we dance.

Loud music blares from speakers set up around his den. His parents are out of town for Labor Day. It’s not a Shark party, like their postgame keggers with only football players and whoever they invite, but more of an all the popular kids from Camden shindig. A few people from Hampton High. Some townies.

“Be mine for real, baby.” His voice slurs.

“You’re drunk.”

“So? Everyone is.”

“I’m not.” Nerves hit me. Maybe I should be—to fit in. Only, I don’t like alcohol and what it does to a person.