“Ally,” Mandy growled.
“Ally was trying to help,” James said. “She knew you were … seeing things in a way that I wasn’t trying to present them. So, tell me, why do you think I was going to break up with you before the party?”
“Because I asked you to go six weeks beforehand and you agreed. Then you didn’t tell me until thirty minutes prior that you weren’t going,” Mandy shot back. “You told me that I’d ruined your fight nights with your brothers and that’s what you wanted to do.”
James licked his lips, keeping his face impassive as he regarded her. “I said nothing of the sort. If that’s what you heard, we have another problem,” James said. “I said that Grady wanted to have a fight night and we thought it was a great idea because it happened to coincide with the party – a party you and Sophie were both mandated to attend. I didn’t say I resented you for ending fight night.
“As for the party, I made a mistake on that one,” James said. “I didn’t realize how important it was to you. That was my error. If you want to be angry about that, you have a right to be angry about it. What I told you that night stands. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world – and I didn’t mean to hurt you that night. It was a bad decision – and one I’m going to be questioning for a really long time given the outcome.”
Mandy was quiet as James rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand.
“Tell me the rest,” James said, hoping he was getting through to her.
“You don’t love me,” Mandy said, her voice soft and her gaze unfocused. “You can’t. My back is gross and you’re disgusted by it. That’s why you won’t touch me. That’s why you won’t … .”
“You’re upset because I didn’t want to have sex yesterday morning,” James said.
Mandy shifted her face as far away from his probing gaze as she could manage.
“Well, here’s the problem with your little scenario,” James said. “I did want to have sex yesterday morning. That’s why I climbed out of that bed like my hair was on fire. That’s why I hid downstairs the rest of the day.
“I honestly didn’t think you were ready,” he continued. “And this goes back to the doctor’s warnings about touching you. I cannot hurt you. If I thought, even for a second, that when you looked at me you remembered pain because I couldn’t keep my libido in check – well, I would never forgive myself.”
James drew his chair closer to Mandy’s, stretching her arm out and pressing her hand to the left side of his chest, directly above his beating heart. It was the same position he’d utilized to wake her in the hospital.
“Do you feel that?”
Mandy nodded mutely.
“That’s yours, baby,” James said, his voice cracking. “That’s all yours. That belongs to you, and I’m having a really hard time understanding how you don’t know that.”
Mandy’s resolve cracked and tears started flowing down her face. James tamped down the urge to take her into his arms and soothe everything away. He wasn’t done here.
“I understand that the medication made you all wonky, and our sleeping patterns were enough to drive anyone insane,” James said. “I understand that I was out of it myself, mostly from lack of sleep, but also because I was more worried about your physical needs than your emotional ones. I do not for the life of me understand how you could ever think I don’t love you.”
Mandy didn’t answer. She was too busy sniffling and wiping tears from her eyes.
“I think my biggest problem is that you somehow seem to be associating sex with love,” James said. “Because I do love you – and I do love having sex with you – but I don’t love you because I can have sex with you. I love you because you’re you. And, yeah, I like having sex with you, baby. But, if for some reason we could never have sex again, I would still love you.
“I can’t help but blame myself for this,” James continued. “Somehow I put too much importance on our sex life and it skewed the way you look at me. You obviously think I’m some sort of animal or something.”
Mandy finally reacted. “I do not.”
“Then why would you think that my not wanting to have sex yesterday morning was the final straw in some breakup drama you’d invented in your head?” James asked.
“Because you didn’t want me,” Mandy said. “You always want me. You haven’t wanted me since the accident, and that changes the way I look at myself because you’ll never look at me the way you used to.”