"Why make this difficult? I can tell you care about him and that he cares about you. A handful of words from me and you two can get a-maybe not a fresh start, but something better than the place you're in now."
No, she didn't understand at all. "And be with a man that can't take my word? Can't believe I'm a decent person unless someone else tells him so?" She shook her head. That wasn't a relationship worth keeping.
There was a knock on the door before Fate yelled, "You almost done?"
Faith stood. "I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from telling him anything."
Karma nodded. Faith could see she had doubts, but she believed that Karma wouldn't say anything.
Karma opened the door to find Lars looming close by and Fate looking impatient. Faith followed Karma out. She saw Lars staring at her as she walked by but ignored him and moved to the other side of the room.
She settled into a chair, off in the corner where she could survey the room without being overly involved, and watched the chips fall, waiting to see if Karma would speak of her to Lars or would respect her choices.
Lars hovered over Karma like she knew he would.
She couldn't hear the words spoken but saw the shake of Karma's head. Lars turned, and his eyes looked even darker and his mouth stern.
Karma walked away from where he stood, not looking very happy either, and then Fate was back at her side. Faith saw her features soften as Fate's hand took hers.
There was a table set up in the center, along with a line of what looked to be surgical instruments. She wasn't sure what they planned on doing to Karma as she lay on the table and tugged down the side of her jeans. Fate settled in beside her.
No, Karma didn't need support from her. She had everything she needed wrapped up in Fate and he looked more than willing to supply it.
The old guy, Paddy, walked over to Faith, as she watched the other guys prepare by Karma. She didn't pay much attention to him until he spoke. "You know, I was sending someone for you."
"Excuse me?" Faith asked, not sure if he was talking to her or not.
He sat down beside her. "I was going to send someone to recruit you for the agency."
"For what?" she asked, wondering if he was senile.
"Can't you guess?"
She shook her head.
"What's your name?"
"Faith?"
"It was Hope, the life before. There's a reason."
She almost snorted but pulled it back at the last second. Faith? Hope? Maybe once she was that girl. She didn't know who she was now.
"You've been bumped around a bit but you'll see. It's still in there."
"I don't think so."
"Then why are you here? Looking at him like that?"
"Because I'm an idiot?" She hadn't realized how transparent she was and made a mental note to not look at Lars again.
"No, you just don't give up easy," he said in his gravelly voice.
"Thanks for the pep talk, Paddy, but I think I'm going to head out." With everyone else hovering over where they were preparing to cut open Karma, Faith decided to slip out. She didn't have any desire to see what they needed the scalpel on the tray for. "It was nice to meet you."
"We'll meet again," he said before she slipped out of the room.
She weaved her way until she left the shop, feeling Lars staring at her as she went. It was a relief when she got outside and opened the door that led to Lars' apartment. She was halfway up the stairs when she heard the door swing open.
"Where are you going?" Lars asked.
Was it getting to the point that she'd have to explain every action she made? Why did she even care for him at this point? Why did his distrust make her feel like she was bleeding from a wound that wouldn't close?
She paused. "I'm not one for blood."
There was a pause and she didn't move while she waited to see which way this would go.
"Are you hungry? I'm not sure what's left in the apartment. Do you want me to go get you something?"
Her hand gripped the railing and she looked back at him. "No, I'm just going to lie down for a while."
His dark eyes were warm as they looked on her and her breath hitched. He leaned along the wall of the hallway. "I'll be up in a little while."
She nodded and turned, taking a couple more steps up before Lars calling her name stopped her. She turned again and looked at him. He was still leaning against the wall but looking down. She waited, hoping he'd say something-anything.
He shook his head. "Forget it. It was nothing."
She took another step away from him as he shut the door. She walked into the apartment and over to her bag, sitting by the dresser. She hesitated by it but then walked away from it.
She guessed that Paddy was right. There was still some hope left in her, even when she couldn't fathom why.
Chapter 31
Lars didn't come upstairs for another hour, and when he finally showed, he wouldn't look at her. She lifted her hand out to touch him as he passed her but let it drop. "Lars?"
"What?" he said, grabbing some things from a drawer, looking like he was going to hop in the shower. She had a sinking feeling he was really only trying to get away from her.
She sat down on the bed, resting her elbows on her knees and fisting her hands in front of her mouth. She took a deep breath, trying to hold back the emotions already clawing at her insides just trying to keep up a calm veneer. She prayed the numbness she'd been feeling on and off would return and swallow her emotions whole this time.
She could pretend she didn't know what was coming, maybe buy herself some time. Maybe he would change his mind if she hung around for another couple of days, or if she could somehow eke out another week, he'd magically come around. More likely, any additional time she spent with him would be self-inflicted torture of the worst kind. She didn't want to sit here and watch him pull back from her more and more until he finally said the words she knew were coming.
He was walking toward the bathroom when she finally forced herself to speak. "Stop." He didn't turn around to face her and she was glad for it. "Just say it."
There was a hesitation for a few precious seconds and she thought maybe she was wrong. Then he did turn and she knew she was right.
He said the words she was dreading. "I think you should move into Cutty's after we get this Keith situation under control."
This had always been a possibility, and yet she'd allowed the situation to continue, thinking, maybe even praying, that it wouldn't. He wasn't the relationship type. She knew that. She also knew he'd tried but this last obstacle was too much. Maybe she should've told him from the beginning but she feared they would've ended up here anyway. She'd known who he was and had taken the risk. She only had herself to blame for the burn she now sported.
"I think it would be more comfortable for you. It's tight around here, and I know you wanted your own place. You'll have more room there until you can get something of your own," he said, filling the silence and acting as if this were purely a space problem.
She had wanted her own place. She'd said it to him a few times. But that had all been before she'd fallen for him. She'd wanted more space so that she could avoid the very feelings she was having now.
But she'd gone ahead and become emotionally involved anyway. She'd taken a bite of the poisoned apple and now look at her. She couldn't even meet his gaze, because if she looked at him, the burning in her eyes might turn into real tears, and she wasn't going down like that. He was kicking her out and that was his choice. The way she left him was still hers.
"I think it's a good idea." How she managed to get those words out, past the golf-ball sized lump in her throat and without her voice cracking, was a miracle.
"So, you're good with this?" he asked. "You realize it's for the best?"
There was a hesitance in his voice. What did he want? Was she supposed to absolve him of any guilt? It was true he'd never said the words, or implied any commitment, but if that was how he'd slept with someone who was nothing to him, she'd love to know how he had sex with the person he might one day love. Or maybe she'd read into it more than was actually there. Maybe when they'd slept together, the ground hadn't shaken for him the way it had rocked her world.
Still, it didn't matter. She forced a smile onto her face and made herself look at him while she fought to keep it in place. Her pride, the few tattered pieces left of it anyway, was the only thing keeping the façade of not caring in place. "I agree. Cutty's will be a lot more comfortable."
She grabbed her bag and started gathering up what few belongings she owned. She'd use anything she could as an excuse to break eye contact.