Slamming the booth door closed, Claire leaned her forehead against it and took several deep breaths, then groaned. This was bad. Magda would go out and tell everyone that Brad didn’t have a penis and Jill would be upset and—
“Claire? Brad?”
Stilling at the sound of Jill’s voice, Claire unbolted the door, opened it, and dragged Jill inside. “We have a problem.”
“What happened?” Jill asked anxiously as she relocked the stall door. “I saw Magda follow you into the ladies’ room.”
“She kissed me,” Claire blurted with disgust, then added, “And she is a really bad kisser. All those guys in high school must have been lying their heads off. They probably hadn’t even kissed her, because there is no way they would have thought what she gave me was a good kiss.”
Jill stared at her blankly and then burst out laughing.
“Go on, laugh,” Claire muttered. “But you won’t be laughing when you hear the rest.”
Jill stopped at once, her eyes narrowing warily. “What?”
“She grabbed me, only there was nothing to grab.”
Jill blinked, slow to comprehend. “You mean…” Her gaze dropped to “Brad’s” groin.
“Yes.”
Jill frowned. “You mean, you don’t have a ‘package’?”
“Was there a package in the picture?” Claire asked dryly, then answered herself, “No. There were pants. I have pants. No package.”
“Oh, that’s just wrong,” Jill said unhappily and then dug around in her purse, coming up with a black marker. “Give me the picture.”
Perplexed, Claire handed over the pictures she’d been clutching through all this and watched in amazement as Jill put a noticeable bump in Brad’s pants in the magazine photo. “What are you—?”
“There! Now concentrate on the picture and give yourself a package.”
“I’m supposed to be turning back to myself, Jill. I’m here with Kyle tonight, too.”
“Not till we clear this matter up,” she said firmly. When Claire opened her mouth to argue, Jill added, “You agreed to be my date first.”
Sighing, Claire lowered her head and concentrated on the picture, giving herself a definite bump where Brad’s package should have been.
“Nice,” Jill said with approval, then turned to unlock the stall door. “Now we’d better get out of here before another guy comes in and sees us. Everyone would think we were having sex or something.”
Jill had opened the stall door, but now paused as if reconsidering how bad an idea it would be for everyone to think she was having sex in the bathroom with Brad Cruise. Claire gave her a determined push forward. She just wanted to get this over with so she could get back to her date.
“What is it?” Jill asked as they left the men’s room.
Claire followed her gaze to her new bump and shrugged. “A bump. Just a bump.”
“Yeah, but what’s it look like under there?” Jill reached for the zipper of her trousers, but Claire knocked her hand away.
“There is no under there. Under there is me, remember? This is me. There are no clothes. It’s really all just me.”
“Right,” Jill said slowly and gave an abrupt nod. “We need to find a picture of Brad naked.”
“What?” Claire asked with disbelief and then snapped, “Do not even think it.”
“Oh please,” Jill pleaded. “Just once. You could keep your mouth shut and I could have my fantasy night. You’d never have to buy me a birthday gift or Christmas present ever again.” She tried the pitiful expression that always worked on Claire, but this time she wasn’t falling for it. This whole Brad nonsense was ruining her date with Kyle, a date she’d waited forever for. She was all out of sympathy.
“You’ve lost your mind,” Claire snapped impatiently. “These are my lips, my eyes looking out, and my brain. I am not Brad Cruise and neither am I a lesbian, and I am so not having sex with you.”
Jill sighed, giving up the attempt to talk her into it. “Yeah…I get it. Too bad though.” She suddenly reached out to poke at the lump. “Where does it feel like I’m poking you?”
“My leg,” Claire answered.
“Really?” She poked some more. “That’s kind of weird, isn’t it? I guess it means that leg cells were used to make up the lump and—”
“Jill! Magda was just telling Maureen and me—”
Claire and Jill glanced over with surprise as Meredith rushed out of the women’s room with Maureen on her heels. Her words had died abruptly and she gaped as she spotted Jill standing there with her hand on “Brad’s package.”