He saw no censure in her eyes and she didn’t withdraw her touch. “I appreciate that but we both know it was wrong. I should have let the guards kill her. They were getting paid to follow orders. I did it for revenge.”
“It was a difficult situation after what she’d just said to you. You reacted in the heat of the moment, caused by the pain you suffered from the senseless murders of your brothers. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“It’s who I am. It’s what keeps me going and I can’t change. I gave you all I had to give, Kat. This has to end. I can’t get attached to you.”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“I would.” He looked miserable. “I was jealous today. I wanted to rip out Jinx’s throat. It wasn’t a good feeling and I never want to experience it again. I like being numb. I never want to hurt again. You could do that to me if I don’t stop it now. It’s a risk I just can’t take. I warned you that I’m damaged. That wasn’t a lie either.”
She surprised him by wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face against his shoulder. “Thank you for that, Darkness.”
He relaxed, lowering some of his weight, and closed his eyes. He wished the moment could last but he only allowed it briefly. He climbed off her.
“You shouldn’t return home in a towel. I’ll get some clothes.”
“I don’t have to leave. I still have classes to teach but I would insist on the cameras being removed from my cottage.”
He refused to look at her. “I know you’re FBI, Kat. So does the NSO. You shared information you shouldn’t have with me so this is me returning the trust. I’d be in trouble if they knew I told you that. They wanted to figure out why you came by allowing you to keep up the charade. This thing between us ends today. Don’t stay for me because I won’t see you again after you leave this house. Go home before you do something that could get you in trouble with the NSO. I don’t want to see you hurt. I’ll be right back.”
He bent, picked up her wet towel and walked down the hallway. He hung it in the bathroom before retrieving a shirt and shorts from his dresser. When he returned to the living room Kat wasn’t there. She’d left. He cursed. He didn’t place the call to Security. He’d leave it up to Kat if she wanted to stay or go but he’d keep his word. He’d avoid her. It was for the best.
Chapter Twelve
Kat exited the gates, ignoring the jerks calling out to her from the sidelines. Her mood was foul enough that she was grateful not to have her sidearm. She might have been tempted to shoot a protestor in the mouth. The cab waited across the street. She just dumped her suitcase on the backseat and climbed in after it. She rambled off the name of the car rental company. The driver nodded and pulled away from the curb.
The NSO had known all along. That fact shouldn’t have surprised her. Darkness had dropped enough hints. A lot of unanswered questions remained. Did they know her real name? Did Mason know her cover had been blown? If so, he’d be in a rage. She put on her seatbelt and closed her eyes.
It was procedure to file a report. Mason would chew her ass up one side and down the other when she faced him. She just didn’t want to deal with it. The short ride ended and she paid the driver. It only took a few minutes for her to retrieve her car from the parking lot where she’d left it.
She’d always followed rules. It was something she believed in. Life was messy but her job made sense of some of the chaos. She’d joined the agency to make a difference. To help put evil shits away and make the world a safer place. She felt as if Mason had placed her in the bad-guy category. The NSO had been victimized enough.
Darkness haunted her as she drove. Her guts felt as if they’d been ripped out. She believed what he’d told her. No sympathy rose for the bitch he’d killed. He might feel torn about it but it was cut-and-dried to her. That the woman had gotten close to him, yet hurt him that way, angered her. It just cemented her belief that purely evil people existed in the world—one less, thanks to Darkness. She grieved the loss of his brothers too, hurt for him.
“Damn.” She sighed, gripping the wheel tightly. “I’m all fucked up.”
Nothing made sense anymore. She just wanted to go home and lick her wounds. She took in her surroundings, realizing she drove aimlessly. It only took her a few minutes to establish where she was and get on the freeway. That’s exactly where she’d go. Home.
It might be hours or days before Mason figured out she wasn’t at Homeland anymore. She hadn’t seen any of the three agents she’d recognized when she left though he might have other surveillance on the gates. She glanced in her rearview mirror, hunting for a tail. Her car could be tagged with a tracker too. She debated whether she should ditch it and get another rental but dismissed the idea. If Mason wanted her found, he’d do it. She didn’t have enough cash to stay in a motel. Her identification and credit cards could be flagged.
She pulled off the road to grab some food at a drive-thru. It didn’t help her upset stomach. The cause of that was knowing she’d never see Darkness again. He’d gotten under her skin in a big way. She’d always smirked when hearing one of her friends say that they’d fallen fast and hard for some man. That had never been her experience.
She’d loved before but her pride had always come first. It was a consequence of her childhood. The first step of acceptance was understanding the problem. Her parents had divorced when she had been eight, each marrying much younger spouses for their second marriages. Her mother had ended up with a serial cheater whom she’d made excuses for. It had disgusted Kat. Her father’s wife had him by the balls too. She’d sworn that no one would ever make a fool of her and she’d walked away from any man who didn’t conform to her ideal version of a boyfriend.
Darkness wasn’t anything like someone she’d marry or want to spend her life with. He fell into all the “hell no” categories. He wouldn’t support her career. Living with him at Homeland wouldn’t fly. He couldn’t leave the NSO to live in her world. He wasn’t emotionally available.
“Understatement,” she muttered.
There would be no playful shower moments in a future with him. No sleeping in on her days off, cuddled up against him. That would mean he’d actually have to let her get that close. A bitter laugh rose and she choked on it. Darkness wouldn’t even let her touch him during sex. He always restrained her. He could be the poster guy for control issues. She had a lot of them herself.They just made a horrible match. It didn’t diminish the pain she felt. That ache in her chest and the tears gathering in her eyes pretty much were a reality bitch-slap. She’d fallen in love with him.
She blinked hard at the sight of her house when she pulled into the driveway, fighting the urge to cry. It wasn’t something she did much. Seeing Missy’s car helped her pull her emotions together. She turned off the engine, grabbed her suitcase and got out.
“You home?” Kat hollered when she entered the house. She dropped her suitcase inside the door and kicked it closed.
“You better be a hot handyman or my best friend,” Missy called out from upstairs. “I have a gun.”
“Don’t shoot your imaginary weapon at me.”
Missy rushed down the stairs. “I missed you.”
They hugged and Missy leaned back, giving her a once-over. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks. Your hair in a ponytail and paint smears on your sleeves isn’t your best look either.”
Her best friend grinned. “Someone abandoned me so I’ve been painting the spare room by myself. I’m lucky some of it ended up on the walls and at least I brushed my hair. You look like you hid from a brush.”
“It’s a long story.”
“The kind you can’t tell me? Just tell me you’re not bruised to hell and back under those clothes. No bullet holes or anything, right?”
“I’m good.”
“Boring kind of stuff, huh?”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
“Can you tell me anything?”
She shook her head. “You know how it goes.”
“But you’re good?”
Kat shrugged.
Missy inched closer. “You look sad.”
“I am.”
“I hate your job. Have I mentioned that before?”
“Constantly.”
“Can we play twenty questions?”
“No.”
“I had to ask. Are you hungry?”
“I stopped for a burger already.”
“That’s good since I ate the last of the pizza in the fridge. I didn’t thaw anything out. I had no clue when you were coming home. Are you staying or did you just stop in to get a new set of clothes?”
“I’m technically still on assignment but I don’t plan to leave the house any time soon.” Kat glanced around the living room. “I like the bookshelf you put up.”
“Thanks.” Missy grinned. “I would take the credit but it was actually my brother-in-law. I couldn’t make sense of the directions and Angela stopped by. He looked bored hearing us gossip so I did the sisterly thing by putting him to work.”
“Good job.”
“He was a grumpy ass about it but Angela told him to stick a sock in it.” She bent and grabbed Kat’s suitcase. “Come on. We’ll unpack you. You don’t have anything secret in here I can’t see, do you?”