Throughout her entire confession, Trixie remained silent, intently listening, her hand rubbing Gabrielle’s back gently.
“You can’t have your Gary?”
Gabrielle shook her head. “Worse, he won’t be able to feel anything for me. Well, that’s worse for me, but thankfully not for him.”
“If you could have him, would you leave Aleksei for him?”
“It isn’t possible. I’m Aleksei’s lifemate. We’re bound together.”
Trixie frowned, looked as if she might question that and then shook her head. “That isn’t what I asked you. If you could, right now, after all that’s happened, after spending time with Aleksei, would you leave him and go to Gary?”
Gabrielle opened her mouth to explain she couldn’t—that Aleksei wouldn’t let her leave and Gary might not want her even if he could feel because she’d been with Aleksei—but she closed her mouth. Trixie asked a legitimate question, and why wasn’t her answer a firm and resounding yes? She should have jumped at that. She should have immediately, without thought, said yes. Why didn’t she?
She blinked several times, veiling her eyes from Trixie’s penetrating gaze. “I don’t know,” she finally confessed in a low, shocked voice. Not shocked. Horrified. Aleksei was terrifying. He had a temper. He was her worst nightmare. Gary was sweet and kind. Everything she ever wanted. “I don’t know if I could.” The admission brought a fresh flood of tears.
Gabrielle looked up at Trixie. “What is wrong with me? What kind of a person am I? I know that I love Gary. I know it. But Aleksei has taken me over so that I’m obsessed with him. I crave him. I don’t know how I could go from having the kind of sex I have with Aleksei to being with anyone else. He makes me feel . . .” She stopped, biting her lip hard. “He just makes me feel,” she added lamely. “I don’t know how to describe it, but . . .” She broke off, throwing her hands in the air. “I’m such a slut. How could I even consider trading a man I’m certain I love for sex?”
“You want to make it work with Aleksei?” Trixie asked gently, ignoring her drama.
Gabrielle was fairly certain she had lots of practice ignoring drama, what with raising five girls. She nodded slowly, trying to be as honest as possible. She was mixed up and confused, but still, there had to be honesty. “Aleksei scares me. He’s the scariest man I’ve ever met and I’ve met a lot of them. Male Carpathians are dangerous. It shows in everything they say or do. But Aleksei, he’s a little different. Something inside him that is so dark . . .” She trailed off again, because saying that felt like another betrayal. She didn’t want to say anything bad about him behind his back. “I want it to work,” she whispered firmly, meaning it.
“But you’re feeling guilty because you feel loving Gary has betrayed Aleksei. In fact, still is betraying him? Have I got that right?” Trixie asked.
Gabrielle wiped at her tears with the edge of the blanket. “That’s about it,” she admitted. “And making the decision that I know is the right one makes me feel guilty about letting Gary go. And it makes me feel slutty and selfish. How could I betray Aleksei?”
“You didn’t know him.”
Gabrielle sighed. She shoved both hands through her hair, keeping the blanket in place with her elbows. “But then I turned around and now I’m betraying Gary.”
Trixie smiled at her. “Child, loving someone is never wrong. Never. There are all kinds of love in the world. Gary was sweet and kind to you when you needed it. You didn’t have anyone and you didn’t have any experience. He was the first man you fell in love with. In essence, your teenage love. Think about it. He had work in common with you and he made you laugh, but you didn’t have sex with him. You didn’t take every minute you could to be alone with him, sneaking off because you couldn’t keep your hands off each other.”
Gabrielle frowned at her. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Can you keep your hands off this Aleksei of yours?”
“Well.” Gabrielle thought about it. Not when she was with him. She wanted him touching her. Kissing her. She mostly wanted him inside of her. “No. But that’s just sex. We don’t make love. He isn’t gentle.”
“But you like what he does.”
“Yes. A lot.” Gabrielle was honest. She had to be if she was going to sort this out. And she needed to sort it out fast. Before he came back.
“There are all kinds of ways to make love. If it’s good, that’s what you need. But going back to your Gary. You clung to him because he made you feel grounded. Everything around you was so different and you didn’t know how to handle it. I think you do love him, Gabrielle, but I don’t think you’re in love with him. If you were in love with him, you wouldn’t feel as if all your loyalty should belong to Aleksei.”