I felt my heart begin to race at the thought of him drinking alone in a crappy bar. I knew it was because of me, the way he must've felt when he heard William and me together. The thought sickened me.
"Well, I'm glad you have a healthy outlet at least. When I was a kid, I'd search for old magazines that had been thrown out and I'd keep them for months at a time. I never knew when the next time would be that I'd get to read another one, so I read it cover to cover, over and over. My mom would always get so pissed because I was more concerned with reading the fashion articles than stealing food or whatever else we needed. Losing myself in those magazines were my only outlet and sometimes, my only hope at what I dreamed for my future." I turned and looked at him, all emotion pouring out of his eyes and tight mouth. "My mom didn't like us talking about the future," I explained. "I think she blamed me a lot of the time for our hardship."
"Why would she blame you? You were a child."
I shrugged, not really sure myself, but I just knew. "She wasn't exactly mentally stable, Alex. She was selfish, had good days and bad days, and even on her good days, I would've been better off left alone in an alley."
He shook his head and tightened his grip on his mug. Without thinking, I leaned into him and placed my hand over his. "There's really no reason to get upset about it now. It's my past, not my future. And who knows where I would've ended up without it." I shrugged, his hand finally softening underneath mine. "Thank you," I said softly, taking him off guard. His eyes met mine, questioning my words. "Thank you for being someone I can talk to about this. Thank you for not judging me solely by my past and somehow … being able to understand, even if we did grow up in completely different worlds."
His face softened as he flashed a small smile. "It might've been two different worlds, but we still spoke the same language."
A moment had passed between us before I realized my hand was still covering his. I slowly removed it and stood up, taking my empty mug with me. I rinsed it out and placed it on the counter, staying silent as he watched me. I stood there with my hands on each side of the sink and closed my eyes. My heart and head weren't fighting anymore. My head knew what my heart felt all along, and now I was fighting my morality on what the hell I was going to do about it.
I felt him behind me, not quite touching, but close enough to inhale his scent. His body towered over mine as he leaned over and put his hands on each side of the sink next to mine. I felt him press his chest up against my back, molding our bodies together as we stood there, silently. Both of us knew it was beyond the boundaries of friendship, but neither of us made the move to push away. I felt his face at the nape of my neck, his nose grazing the skin just below my ear. He inhaled, brushing his lips against the flesh of my neck just as he exhaled.
My body shivered in response, relaxing deeper into him. We stayed like that, molded together-silent and content.
I kept my eyes sealed shut as I allowed myself this moment with him. Just this one time.
Alex was the first to move, leaving me standing alone and breathless. I felt his lips brush against me once more before he finally took the step back and left without a word. But he didn't have to say anything to let me know what he was thinking-feeling.
Chapter Nineteen
I had completely forgotten William was flying out that morning. He had a three-day business trip, which was perfect timing. I needed the space. I couldn't think with William and Alex both home, and especially William because he didn't even realize I was still upset about the event. But one thing was certain-we were definitely talking when he returned home.
I sat up in bed, watching as he finished packing his final things. He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "I can't wait until you can come with me, darling. Soon." He kissed my cheek once more before his words really sunk in.
"What do you mean? Why would I come with you?"
"When we're married, Mackenzie. You won't be working, which means we can go together. Especially on these longer trips. It'll be nice, don't you think?"
He stepped back and grabbed his bags off the bed. "Wait … what do you mean when I won't be working? I told you I wasn't quitting my job after we got married."
"You don't need to work, darling. I've told you that."
I cleared my throat, thinking perhaps some kind of German-Spanish-Japanese language was pouring out of my mouth that he didn't understand correctly. "William, I'm not quitting my job. Not now. Not when we get married. Not when we have children. Not ever." Although the thought of having children with William sent a nervous shiver down my spine. "We talked about this after we got engaged. Don't you remember?"
"Yes, of course. And don't you remember I said we'd talk about that when the time came?" He checked his watch as if this conversation was a waste of his precious time. "Let's talk about this when I return, okay? I have to catch my flight."
There was nothing to talk about because no matter what he said, I was putting my foot down. Even though my job was stressful, demanding, and I still had hoops to jump through to get where I wanted to be, I loved it. I craved the fast-paced, high-energy world I've worked my ass off to get into. That wasn't going to change just because my marital status changed.
I lay back in bed once William left. The more I thought about it, the more my blood boiled. We had this conversation at least half a dozen times before. Each time, he walked away, saying we'd ‘discuss' it later and, of course, always on his terms.
Was it always like this? Have I been that damn blind this whole time?
I finally got up and hopped in the shower. Thoughts of him and Alex racing through my mind. Could I marry William and be happy? Would I always be happy? Would I adjust to the lifestyle that I'd be marrying into?
I used to think so.
Now, I wasn't sure. I wasn't ecstatic about the lack of privacy, the media always digging their noses in our business, the high-pressure lifestyle that William didn't even blink an eyelash at anymore. He worked more than he was home and if we ever had children, would he even be around to raise them?
So many questions. So much confusion. My mind was reeling with everything to the point I couldn't even remember if I put shampoo in my hair. I needed to push all my thoughts back and focus so I could get dressed and ready for work. I have three days to myself and I needed to think everything through … I knew I needed to make a choice before I made the wrong decision.
"CHELSEA?" I CALLED from my desk. I was frantically shuffling through the scattered papers on my desk. She stuck her head in my office and raised her brows at me. "I can't find the Sage Price interview transcripts! Have you seen them?"
"I already typed them up and sent them to editorial."
"You did?" I stopped searching. "When?"
She narrowed her brows and continued, "This morning … after you asked me to."
I was officially going crazy. "Oh, shit. That's right." I exhaled in relief.
"You okay?" She stepped in and looked me over. "You've been a little off."
"I know … " I shook my head, needing to clear my mind so I could actually focus. "Yes, I'll be fine. Thanks." I smiled up at her as she gave me a sympathetic smile. She concluded with rambling off some more assignments she's working on and reminded me of my afternoon appointment. I thanked her and cleaned up my desk.
When I finally got around to checking my phone, I saw text messages from Staci and Brittainy. They were both freaking out about flowers and something with the catering. Brittainy was getting married in ten days and since her maid of honor was from out of town, Staci was stepping into help whenever she could. Which actually meant, she was flipping out just as much and then texting me for help on the side.
Drinks at Trinity. 6 p.m., I texted both of them. I couldn't deal with them over messages, and I could use a few drinks before getting the nerve to face Alex again.
I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to do yet. Telling William wouldn't be easy, and there's not really a great time to tell your fiancé you've been questioning your entire relationship as of recent. William was a good guy and he meant well, but what I knew back when I met him and what I knew now were completely different.
I managed to get out of work on time despite how I kept messing things up. Thankfully, Chelsea picked up my slack and even sat with me during my afternoon meeting and took notes.
"I promise I'll have my shit together tomorrow." I took a seat behind my desk and covered my face with both hands. I needed to figure something out before my boss finds out and fires me.