I didn't even like hot chips.
But I was nervous and upset, and I eat when I'm nervous and upset.
"Mac, let's just think this through, okay?"
"Why do you think it all came back to me weeks later? I'd been having glimpses of it here and there, and then, it just all comes back to me … " I rambled off, continuing to eat and chew.
"Well, I'm no psychologist … " She narrowed her brows at me. "But sometimes, memories are triggered by something. An emotion. An incident. Sometimes it's something as small as a smell, a color, a voice. Your brain can block memories out that would otherwise be painful," she explained. "My little sister was in a bad car accident when we were little. We were riding our bikes and she crossed the road and was hit by a truck that was pulling a trailer. She broke her leg and was in a body cast for weeks. She was nine years old, but after surgery and getting to come home, she didn't remember the actual events of the accident. And now to this day even, she doesn't remember any of it. So … your brain blocks those out. The memory of the pain of what she felt was too much for her and it's been blocked out of her memory ever since." I actually could understand what she was talking about and nodded.
"Okay, that makes sense. But … I don't know. It just seems weird, right?"
"Well, you were pretty intoxicated, right?"
"Yeah … you could say that." I sighed. I've never been that irresponsible before in my life. "So what's this all mean? That I was ready to remember it? That somehow the memory flooded back in because of my fight with William? I mean, that could've been a trigger."
She tapped her finger on her wine glass as she thought it through. I continued thinking about that night and how it's all I've been able to think about. "Your speech!" she spat out. "Shit … you had just given a whole speech about your past. You let your guard down. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and let people see you for you. You became comfortable with the memory of your past and so it'd make sense for your blocked memories to come back. And I'm sure Alex being there didn't help."
I swallowed as her words sunk in. It was starting to make sense. I avoided talking about my past as much as possible, but Saturday night was different. Once I started, it was hard to stop. Not only was I passionate about the charity, but I was passionate about being honest and letting people see the real me. William acted as if it was an ad campaign for making me look good to the press, whereas Alex stood by my side every step of the way.
"You're right," I said quietly. "Alex sees me differently. He doesn't see how the media wants to portray me, he sees the real me."
"And William?" she prompted. "How do you think William sees you?"
I blinked, really thinking about it. I wasn't sure anymore. "I'm really starting to think he sees me different from what I've always thought he did. He's always treated me so well. I thought I was the love of his life, and now … "
"Now what?" she prompted.
I felt tears escape my eyes before I could say anything in return. The whole thing-this fucked up situation I've gotten myself into-was becoming too much.
"Now I'm unsure … " I said, shaking my head at myself. "I feel like he needs me more than wants me. I had no expectations at first. I had no dating experience before him to really know the difference. And now … now I've started to."
She sat up and crossed her legs, still gripping her wine glass in one hand. "What's your heart telling you, Mac? You ultimately need to do what you feel is right. Have you even told Alex you had the dream?"
I shook my head. I hadn't even seen him that morning, which was intentional. I wasn't ready to face him yet.
"Well, I think maybe you just need some time … don't make this decision quickly and make sure you're one hundred percent positive before you do anything about it." I looked back up at her and she flashed a weak smile. "I love you, Mac. I only want you to be happy. And whatever you decide, I'll back you up all the way."
I sat up and walked over to her, wrapping my arms around her neck. "Thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you." She welcomed the gesture and hugged me back, rubbing a hand down my back, soothing all the anxiety that was surfacing.
"Well, for starters … " she began as I sat back down, "you'll never have to know. But you'd probably still be sitting in his hotel suite, too afraid to walk out alone." I laughed for the first time that day, relief finally washing over me.
We sat and talked for a while longer, changing the subject to TV shows and gossip. We finished our bottle of wine, and before I passed out, I grabbed a cab and went back home.
I needed to see Alex before I made my final decision.
I WALKED INTO a dark and quiet apartment just after nine p.m. I knew William was probably asleep already. I had called him on one of my breaks and told him I'd be stopping at Staci's after work and that he shouldn't wait up for me. Clearly, he had no intentions to anyway.
I walked into the kitchen to grab a quick snack. I hadn't eaten since before we finished the wine, and I needed something to soak up the alcohol.
Just as I finished making a turkey sandwich, I heard footsteps in the hallway leading into the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and turned around to Alex standing right in front of me.
I swallowed. "Hi."
His brows drew together. "Hi. What are you doing?"
I blinked, lowering my eyes to the bottle of water in one hand and my sandwich sitting on the counter next to him. "Getting something to eat. What are you doing?"
"I heard you come in … just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine," I shot back unconvincingly.
I stepped around him, grabbed my sandwich, and sat down at the breakfast bar. I felt his eyes on me the entire time, but I reminded myself I couldn't act any different. Not yet. As far as he knew, we agreed to be ‘friends' and since then, nothing's changed. At least, until I figured this whole mess out.
"I was going to make some hot chocolate. Want some?"
I finished chewing and swallowed. "Yes, please. Thanks." I smiled up at him, but he kept his back turned away from me.
We both stayed silent as I finished eating and he waited for the water in the kettle to boil. I watched as he poured the hot cocoa into two mugs and stirred them until they were thoroughly mixed.
"Marshmallows?" He looked at me over his shoulder and asked.
"Of course."
He smirked just before turning back and grabbing the bag of mini-marshmallows from the cupboard.
"Alex, can I ask you something?"
He grabbed both mugs and walked over to me, setting mine in front of me. "Sure."
He turned and faced me, making our bodies touch, which at the moment, was making it extremely hard to focus. I swallowed and asked anyway. "Where do you go when you don't get in until three a.m.?"
He blinked and looked away, turning his body away from me. I knew I hit a nerve, but I'd been too curious to not ask now that we were on ‘friends-only' terms.
"Why do you want to know?"
I shrugged, circling my fingers against the rim of the mug. "I was just curious … I don't know that much about you, I guess."
I heard him fidget in his seat next to me as he took a sip of his drink. "I run."
My head turned toward him, shock and confused written all over my face. "You run? All night?"
He shrugged. "Yeah. I run through the park, all over the city, sometimes I just run without a destination in mind."
"You run in a suit and tie?" I questioned. He narrowed his brows in confusion, so I continued. "The other night … at the event. You had a suit on but hadn't come home until late."
"I have a locker at the gym I work out at. I keep extra clothes there."
"Oh … " I took another drink.
He looked over at me and smirked. "What were you expecting?"
I raised my brows at him and said, "Honestly? I figured you were out getting trashed and banging the first girl you met." I shrugged unapologetically. "Or whatever single, hot, young men do." I blushed, laughing at how nervous I sounded.
"Wow … " He laughed, shaking his head at me. "I see how highly you think of me."
"Shut up." I laughed again. "You did come back one time smelling of whiskey. So shoot me for thinking the obvious." It was the morning he came in while I was showering … he had definitely been drinking that night.
He scowled, trying to hide the grin on his face. "Yeah, well, that was one time. I hadn't really been in the running mood, so I went to a dive bar and drank until closing."