I exhaled, massaging my temples. She was right. Ever since Brittainy's bachelorette party, something changed. "I've never had a one-night stand before, Stace. I don't know what's going on with me. I just … I wish I could go back to three weeks ago and none of this would be happening."
"Okay, listen. It's obvious you're attracted to him. You like him, but is it enough to call off the engagement? Is that even what you want?"
"No … I mean, I don't know. He makes me feel different. When I'm with William, it's easy, simple. I love him and he loves me. It's not messy. With Alex, it's … complicated. I don't want to have those feelings for him. Does that make me sound crazy?"
"No, it makes you human. You just need to make a decision. Is William enough for you? And if so, what are you going to do about Alex? You can't keep living with him while you're planning your wedding. Or you just need to straight up tell him."
"Tell him what?" I took another large sip.
"That his games aren't going to work anymore. That you love William and he can either get over it or move out. Plain and simple."
I couldn't be sure if it was the alcohol or the idea of facing him again, but my stomach turned and I starting feeling nauseous. "I can't believe I kissed him … " I mumbled, shaking my head at myself. "I don't know what it is about him, but it's like I just can't think straight around him."
"Well, it doesn't help that he's hot as fuck." I glared back at her. "But that aside, the quicker you do it, the quicker it's over. Plus, your event is tomorrow. You deserve to enjoy yourself without all this added stress."
Shit. The charity event had been all I could think about up until a few weeks ago. The distraction of Alex and him moving in had pulled me elsewhere. I needed to do this tonight or I'd never be able to get through tomorrow night without a panic attack.
Staci waved the waitress back over and ordered another round. We drank and laughed and talked more about the event. I was hosting it with the charity spokesperson and Staci had helped with small details here and there.
"I'm bummed you aren't going." I pouted, pushing my lower lip out at her.
"Trust me, I wish I could." She sipped on her straw, sucking out the final drops of her drink. Her sister just had a baby and she was being baptized this Sunday, which meant she had to fly out tomorrow afternoon.
It was almost seven before I realized William had texted me to let me know he was home. "I better get going." I knew I had to talk to Alex, too.
We said our goodbyes and on the ride home, I thought about how I was going to talk to him without falling right back into his trap.
It was going to take all the strength in the world because the last thing I wanted was to fight with William in the house.
I ARRIVED HOME and was greeted with William in the kitchen. I stared intently at the counter spot I was sitting on this morning with Alex-flashes of his lips, body, hands surfaced and just as fast, I pushed them away.
William walked toward me with a wide smile, but I could see the defeat in his eyes. He was tired, from a long day I was sure, but I plastered on a fake smile as he leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Hello, darling. I ordered us some food. I hope that's all right."
"Sounds great," I said, relieved I wouldn't have to try to find the energy to cook anything.
Our food arrived and only William sat down with me to eat. I didn't have the nerve to ask him where Alex was, but it was in my mind the entire time. I knew I needed to talk to him, but I'd have to wait until William was busy. I knew what I needed to say, but I was dreading it the entire time I ate.
After dinner and clean up, William said he had some things in his study to finish from the day. I decided to make a turkey sandwich for Alex since I was sure he was hungry.
"Alex?" I called, looking from room to room.
"In here," I heard him call back. From the faintness of his tone, I could tell he was in his bedroom. I hadn't been in there since he moved in and it felt weird going in there now.
"I have a sandwich for you … " I announced.
"You can bring it in."
"Can't you come out here?"
"Why? You afraid of my bedroom?" he asked with amusement heavy in his tone.
"Uh, no. Just didn't think it was appropriate." I held the plate in my hand and nervously circled my thumb on the bottom.
"I won't bite, Mac. You're allowed in."
I sighed. Fine.
I hesitantly pushed the door open, finding him on his bed. He was sitting up against the headboard with a book in his hand and his ankles casually crossed. What threw me off even more than the scene in front of me were the black-rimmed glasses he was wearing. He looked like a completely different Alex than the one I kissed this morning.
"You're reading?"
He dropped the book onto his stomach and looked at me, a smirk playing on his lips. "Is that hard to believe?"
"Well … kinda." I chuckled, setting the plate on the end of his bed. "What are you reading?"
"John Grisham's The Racketer."
"Sounds like a party."
He shrugged. "Better than being out there."
My throat dropped into my stomach at the way he nodded his head past me. I knew what he was implying and my heart raced at just the thought of what happened that morning.
I bowed my head a moment before looking back up at him and responding, "That's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."
He swung his legs off and placed the book on the bed. "What's to talk about, Mac?"
I swallowed at the deep, harsh tone of his voice and the way his face tensed as he blinked up at me. "That can't happen again, Alex. We crossed a line. I'm engaged and … "
He stood up and stalked toward me before I could finish. "You really think that ring on your finger means anything?" he mocked but continued before I could fight back. "That kiss … that meant something, Mac."
"It never should've happened," I shot back just as he began to walk toward me. I took a step back, but it didn't matter-he caged me to the wall.
"It's already happened, Mac. That night happened and whether or not you want to admit it, you feel it. And not only that, but you want me. You want us."
My heart pounded from the strength of his words. I couldn't believe how blunt he was and how nervous he was making me. He intimidated me and my nerves couldn't take anymore.
"Fine!" I threw back in his face, pushing my hands against his chest. He stumbled back slightly as I continued, "I want you. I can't help it. But that doesn't mean anything. That doesn't mean we can be anything. I made a promise to William and whether or not I have feelings for you, it doesn't justify what we've done." His eyes burned into mine, dark and tense as he absorbed my words. I whispered, "So you need to just let this be … we've had one night, one kiss. But it needs to stop now, Alex."
"I can't stop, Mac-kissing you, touching you, being around you-it's uncontrollable." He brushed his finger over my lower lip, popping it out.
"What do you want with me? Why can't you see this is killing me?" I asked as his hand moved to the soft part of my cheek. The air around us seemed to still as he inched closer.
"I want you. I've told you that."
"Yes, but what does that mean exactly?" I challenged.
His hand traced over my collarbone and then he slid it down my arm and gripped my wrist. "It means I wish you felt how strongly I felt. My dad isn't the one for you … he's not the right guy. I'm not saying I'd be able to give you the lifestyle he does, or an apartment like this, and I can tell you already, we'll fight and you'll want to throw shit at me, but I'd always be one-hundred percent invested in us, Mac. I'd never stop looking at you, craving to touch you, and loving you. I'd always give you everything I could offer and even then, I'd want to give you even more than that."
My eyes were glued to his as he spoke to me, telling me what any girl would love to hear. His words were beautiful and they hurt. I wanted to reciprocate them, but I knew I couldn't. Tears stung my eyes as he continued, "That night wasn't a mistake, Mac. What I feel-what we had-is so intense, and I know you feel it, too." This was passionate Alex and he was perfect as hell. The way he spoke about me, us, made me want to give in, wrap my arms around him, and tell him I felt it, too.
But I couldn't find the strength to allow myself to go there. I loved William and was fully content with the life we had together, but Alex was making me sick with guilt, and it wasn't something I wanted to live with anymore.
I bowed my head and slowly pulled my wrist out of his grasp. "I'm sorry, Alex … I wish I could give you what you feel for me, but I can't. I just … can't." It felt like a knife twisting in my stomach to say those words, but I needed them to hurt. I needed him to let the idea of him and I go.