"That's really good to hear. No one should internalize that kind of pain. It's like poison. It'll eat away at you until you're dead inside. I'm very happy to hear she's finally talking about it and getting the help she needs. What about the condo? How did she feel about that?"
I scoffed and scratched my chin, taking a glance around the empty foyer. "She wouldn't accept it. She said she didn't want to live there without me. I can tell she's still holding on to hope that we'll be together, but I just can't, Janette. I can't be with her. No matter what she's gone through, what we've both been through together, I can't ignore this voice in my head that keeps telling me we don't belong together."
She held my forearm, and after taking a quick sweep of our surroundings, she leaned closer and lowered her voice. "I know it's not my business, and feel free to tell me to shut up. But from the things you've told me, I can't help but piece them together and assume the attack you spoke of was of a sexual nature. Am I correct in assuming someone had violated her when she was younger?"
I had opened up to Eden and told her the ugly truth about Gabi's past. I didn't feel I could accurately explain everything to her without giving her that information, but for some reason, the thought of entrusting Janette with the truth shrouded me in a veil of guilt. I swallowed harshly, trying to figure out the best words to use, but luckily, she must've sensed my internal war and put an end to it.
"I understand if you're not comfortable talking to me about it. I won't press you for answers you can't give. But in the event that is what happened, maybe I can offer you a piece of advice from someone who knows a little too much about this subject."
I cocked my head, unsure of what she was trying to say.
"Something horrible happened to her when she was younger. Be it a sexual assault or mugging, whatever it was has clearly affected her in a bad way. You became her protector. Her guardian. Her knight in shining armor. As great as that was for her to have you play that role, you need to understand the negative impact it more than likely has had on her."
"I'm not following."
Janette took a steadying breath and started again. "It's Trauma Transference Syndrome. You, without knowing it, tie her to that period in her life. Being there for her before it happened, when it happened, and after it happened has threaded you into the woven memories she has of the attack. Whether they're conscious memories or not, you're there, embedded in them. She will never be able to cut the ties of those demons as long as you're present in her life."
I couldn't help but laugh, although it held no humor. "You're a publicist, Janette. Not a psychologist. How do you know this?"
With a small, gentle grin, she said, "Lots and lots of therapy. I told you … I might understand you better than we thought." She paused and blinked several times, as if staving off tears. "When I was a freshman in high school, I attended a senior party. Without going into the details, my drink was spiked and I was sexually assaulted while I lay unconscious. Most young girls who suffer from any form of rape-be it violent, date rape, or like me, having it happen with no recollection of it-don't tell anyone. They feel ashamed and dirty. They start to blame themselves, believing they'd done something to deserve it. It festers into this debilitating disease called depression-PTSD. And just like the men and women returning from war, there are triggers that set them off. Now, I'm no professional, but from my experience, I'd be willing to bet you're an active trigger for her."
"I … I don't know what to say. I would've never guessed you'd been through something like that. You seem so healthy. Married with two kids. How did you get through it?"
"Like I said-lots and lots of therapy. My parents helped me out a lot, too. I didn't go to them right away. I didn't know who-or how many-had violated me. Hell, I couldn't even remember who all was there. I didn't know most of them, and I didn't think anyone would believe me. After all, I couldn't remember anything. I had no proof it'd even happened. I mean … I knew. I was a virgin, so I knew something had happened, but I couldn't prove it. I only went to my parents after I found out I was pregnant."
"Oh my God, Janette." I didn't know if I could listen to her tell me her story, especially after having to hear Gabi tell me hers. The only difference was Janette's at least offered me some clarity. A sliver of understanding. But it didn't take away from the enormous crater in my chest knowing something this vile had happened to two people in my life.
I'd made it a point right then to add this to the list of causes my company helped.
There needed to be more awareness, and I'd do everything I could to make that happen.