"Your mom said you got pregnant?" I don't know why that was the question that popped into my head, but I suddenly needed to know. It was something I hadn't been able to let go of since Marie had told me.
She nodded and looked right at me. "He never wore condoms, but he always pulled out. One night, he was really wasted-probably high on something after one of his parties-and after he finished, he got up and left like he always did. But I realized he never made me open my mouth to finish him off. I prayed that just meant he hadn't gotten off. But then semen came out of me, and I began to worry. It was only a few weeks after that when I knew. I always paid attention to my periods because I knew he wasn't using protection. I watched the calendar like a hawk. I waited until a few more days after that before I went to a drug store and bought a test. I knew I had to tell my mom. Except, I wasn't expecting it to go the way it did."
I didn't need to ask how it went, because I already knew, but I didn't want to interrupt and tell her that. I knew it was important for her to get this off her chest, and if having me listen to it all helped her heal, then I'd have to suck it up until she got every word out.
"She told Peter and he made her take me to get an abortion. I wasn't upset about that part. I couldn't stand the thought of having his child in me. What hurt me more than anything was that we returned to Peter's house. I begged her to take me and leave him. I begged her to not make me stay there, but she said Peter had handled it. Whatever that meant. Two weeks later, Todd walked in on me in the bathroom. His pupils were so large I couldn't even see the color of his eyes. He was mad and strung out. He locked the door behind him and came after me. It was the first time he put on a condom." She no longer hid her pain as it flowed in rivers down her cheeks, filling every word she uttered. I didn't want her to continue. I didn't want her to keep living it. But she withdrew from my arms and continued.
"I don't remember a lot about that night. I can't recall the ride to the hospital at all. But the cops coming in and asking me about Sean, my neighbor, that part is clear as day. I didn't understand at all why they were asking about him, so I barely answered. They left, telling me to get some rest and I'd see them again in the morning. They walked out and Peter and my mom walked in. That's when Peter tried to convince me it was Sean that had come into the bathroom. I didn't want to go along with it, but he and my mother both told me I had to. He said it with words, and my mom said it with her pleading eyes. So I did. I figured he wouldn't get in trouble. There was no evidence of him being there. He had to have had an alibi. But as the trial started, I learned his alibi was sleeping. And the evidence didn't matter because they had statements by me, my mom, and Peter. That's when I took those pills. I hated myself for what I had done to him. I had kept tabs on him ever since. I knew when he got out. I knew about him moving back in with his mom, next door to Peter's house. I knew when he couldn't get jobs or got fired from the ones he managed to get. I knew it all. I've hated myself from the moment it happened."
"Do you still feel that way?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.
She shook her head. "I think I've hated myself enough for things I couldn't control. I hated myself after our baby died, because I thought it was my fault. I killed one baby of mine so God took another."
I held her face and made her look at me, stopping her from saying more. "It wasn't your fault, Gabs. Those things happen all the time. You weren't being punished."
"I know that now-at least, I think I do. I still have feelings I can't figure out, but none of them are of self-hatred. I think talking to my mom helped. I'm not ready to talk to her one on one yet, but at least the door isn't closed anymore. I can't go back in time and change anything-neither can she-so I have to focus on the present and look toward the future."
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that, Gabi. I feel like I've done nothing but wait for you to reach this point, but never understanding why you couldn't get here. As much as I wish you would've told me these things a long time ago, I can't dwell on that. I can only be grateful that you've made it this far."
Dr. Thomas cleared his throat, catching our attention, and leaned forward in his seat with his hands folded in his lap. "This is a very big step for Gabriella. The longer she went without admitting it, treating it as if it were a bad dream or a secret she couldn't share, the harder it became to accept the truth. Essentially, she's been living a lie. A lie she'd made up to make herself feel better, only it succeeded in making her feel worse. So the first step toward moving on is admitting it, getting the truth out there and accepting it no matter how difficult it is to do so. She's opened up and talked to her mother about it, and they were able to hear each other out. Gabriella was able to start the healing process with Marie, and even though it's a long journey and they've only just begun, it's a big step in the right direction. You were the next stop. Hopefully, this will provide a tool for the two of you to understand each other, and maybe with time, begin to heal."