I'd never before experienced anything so perfect.
She was made for me.
"Are you with me?" she asked as her walls tightened, signaling her peak.
I held my face above hers, our lips barely touching, breathing in each other's air. "I'm here. I'm with you." And then we both let go. I gave her all I had and took all she offered. Not once had I ever come at the same time as another. I never imagined it'd be that powerful.
Or maybe it was simply because it was with Eden.
15
Naked, sated, and content, Eden and I lay in bed, the blankets tossed to the side, and we talked. Eden was on her stomach, her arms crossed beneath her head, facing me while I lay on my side and drew lazy circles along her back.
"If you never found out that Gabi lied, or if she hadn't made it all up … would you still be with her?"
My fingers stilled. "I don't want to talk about her right now."
"Just appease me, please."
I knew her question wasn't out of some morbid fantasy to talk about the woman I'd just left. It was out of fear, and possibly a little insecurity. I wanted to ease her mind, but I didn't care to discuss another woman after being intimate with her. "Eden … we're naked. In bed. We literally just had sex. This isn't the right time to talk about her. Or anyone for that matter. I want to enjoy this moment with you."
She was quiet and I noticed her attention focused across the room, not on me. I knew she wouldn't let it go. Even if we didn't talk about it, she'd obsess over it internally. And I couldn't risk her withdrawing from me. Not after I finally had a taste of her.
Dropping my head to the pillow, I gave in. "A few years ago, I tried to tell her how unhappy I was. I wanted her to know that her depression affected me, as well. If she refused to try to make things better, I didn't know how much longer I would've been able to stay. But I wasn't able to get it all out. She thought I was telling her I was leaving and lost it. She said she wouldn't have anywhere to go if I left. She didn't have anyone and there'd be no point in living. From that moment forward, I thought I'd never be able to leave. I resigned myself to my circumstances and my fate."
"And you're not concerned about that now?"
I hesitated, trying to think of the right words to use. "This is going to sound cold, but it's not how I mean it. She's not my problem anymore. Do I want her to hurt herself? Absolutely not. But I can't consciously stay with her after knowing what she did, just to save her. For years, I thought she was broken because of what he did to her. During his trial, she tried to commit suicide. Now I realize it was nothing but her own guilt over what she did to him. I stayed through countless miserable years because I wanted to make her feel safe. I see now that I can't and never could. She's fucked up, and I can't fix that. I got complacent and accepted a role. Now I know it was a role that never existed, at least not the way I believed it to. I no longer feel responsible for fulfilling that need for her."
She turned onto her side to face me and placed her hand on my chest. "But that didn't answer my question. Would you still be with her now?"
"I did answer you. But it's not as simple as yes or no. I was miserable with her, Eden. And I'm not just saying that for your sympathy or to justify leaving her and ending up in your bed. It was like living under a raincloud … every single day. Can you imagine living like that? Never seeing the sun? Never feeling the warmth? Spending every second of every day cold and lonely? It drains you, physically kills you until you're nothing more than a shell of the person you used to be, walking around aimlessly. I was held prisoner by obligation, and now I feel free."
"But you kept telling me you used to be happy."
"That's because I thought I was. I thought we were because I didn't know anything different. Until you came along and showed me what happiness really feels like. Before that, I had no clue what was missing-we'd been together since high school. I had no other relationship to compare it to. It's more than simply feeling okay with something or someone. That's complacency, and that's something I never want to live with again. I can't do it. I can't live that way."
Her hand moved from my chest to my cheek, and just that simple touch was enough to soothe my soul. "It's okay. I get it. I didn't mean to upset you." She traced the lines on my face before pulling her attention back to my eyes. "I'd convinced myself we'd never be together. I refused to get my hopes up anytime you talked about her or the issues you two had, and honestly, wishing things were different for you made me feel like a really horrible person. Like I would somehow be glad if your relationship failed. So I tried really hard to support you being with her. What I didn't lie about was that I believe you deserve everything good. I meant that, and I still do."