I sighed and leaned back in my seat, wincing when my side stretched.
She must've sensed my discomfort, because her eyes narrowed and she asked, "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
"No. I'm fine. Just a new tattoo. It's still sore and likes to catch me off guard when I forget it's there." I took in her reaction, carefully studying her expression. I could tell she wanted to ask me about it. She stared intently at my side as if she could see through my shirt. But rather than giving her answers, I stood and said, "I have a lot to catch up on. Enjoy your break."
Blinking at me, she carefully removed herself from the chair and left my office, not saying another word. I'd left the clinic needing Eden to make everything right again. But instead, she broke me down even more than I already was. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to put any more barriers between us. All I wanted was for her to understand what she'd done to me. And the look on her face as she walked away from me proved I'd done just that. I'd made her feel as horrible as I did.
I had no idea when Eden returned to her office, as she never let me know. I buried myself in work in order to take my mind off my morning and off the issues with Eden. One of the companies I'd taken over was back on its feet and preparing to retake control of its business operations. I went ahead and got that revised contract all ready to go. All it needed were signatures and my reimbursement.
Focusing on work got me through to Tuesday afternoon. Things with Eden had gone from bad to worse. The majority of our communication existed through emails. If for some reason she had to come to me, we barely spoke. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to her or see her … it just seemed as though we were stuck in this space of neither person knowing what to say or how to act. My silence fed into hers, and her avoidance enticed mine. No matter how many times I'd thought of her, I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I knew it would only be a few more days before I had all the pieces in place, and then I could go to her. Hopefully then, she'd see all I'd done for her, for us. I told her I'd prove myself to her, and that's what I had to focus on.
I'd found out the seller had already signed over the title for the house. All we were waiting on was my signature, and then the keys would be mine. I'd made an appointment with the title agency for this afternoon to go in and take care of my part. The realtor had also called with an offer on the condo. It was less than the asking price, but I didn't care. I was ready to put it all behind me and move on, so I accepted. They wanted to close in four weeks, but I knew it wouldn't take that long to get out of it. I'd sold it furnished, so all I had to take with me were my personal effects. I'd already boxed up all Gabi's things and put them in storage for her.
I had to leave an hour early from work in order to make it downtown, but when I went to inform Eden that I was leaving, she wasn't in her office. Rather than sending her an email to let her know I'd be out of the office until the morning, I jotted a quick note and left it on her desk.
Signing the title didn't take long, and before I knew it, I had the keys to my new house in hand. I drove straight there, only making a quick stop to pick up a twelve pack of beer. The electricity still had to be turned on, so instead of going inside, I cut through the yard and sat on the dock. It was dark and quiet, the perfect combination to think.
I'd done all this for Eden. To show her what she meant to me. But maybe I'd been wrong. Maybe she'd been right all along. I needed to do this for me. I had to let go of Gabi and the pain I felt in regards to the relationship that had ended. I needed to learn to be me, to take care of myself. I needed to put myself first and stop trying to be everything for everyone else.
This had to be about me.
As I sat there, beer in hand, I looked at everything I'd done over the last month. I analyzed my every move, my every decision. I bought a house. Even though I'd believed that was for Eden, I knew that wasn't the case. Yes, I found something that reminded me of her and bought it with the hopes of sharing it with her, raising a family with her in it, but that wasn't the reason for the move. I made the decision to let go of the condo for me. Because that place was never mine. It never felt like home, and I so desperately needed a place to call mine. It was also part of letting Gabi go.
That was the hardest part. Letting her go. Making the decision to not only walk away, but to cut her out of my life for good. Hearing her tell me she felt the same and understood why it was for the best made things easier. It made me see it as more of a mutual decision instead of me carelessly hurting her.
Once I had everything out of the condo and into the house, had it all set up and lived in, I could go after Eden. But sitting here, I realized I couldn't do that until I had taken all the necessary steps. As much as I wanted to continue my texts, asking her to marry me and spend the rest of her life with me, I knew I had to slow it down. Not turn my back, not give up, but allow me to make the final arrangements of separating my old life from the one I hoped to share with Eden. And considering we hadn't spoken much at work lately, I wouldn't have had to change anything. I only had to keep things the way they were for a little while longer until I could say with conviction that I'd lived alone, I'd taken time for myself, I'd moved on.
Until I could tell her I wanted her, and she'd believe me.
I needed her to have no doubt in her mind.
24
Shopping for furniture proved to be harder than I'd ever imagined. The bed was easy. The moment I saw the photo online of the four-poster bed made to look like it'd been carved straight from a tree, I knew that was the one I wanted to share with Eden. I hadn't picked it out for her, but for us. However, that was about the only piece of furniture I'd been able to choose.
I had everything else narrowed down to a few choices, although I needed help making the final decisions. I had the website pulled up on my computer when Eden came into my office. I expected her to drop something off, maybe give me a short explanation about it, and then leave. So when she sat in the chair across from me, I was a little taken aback.
"Are we okay, Dane? The last two days have been strained and I don't know how to handle it. And if I'm being honest, it's kind of affecting my job. I have to talk myself into knocking on your door, and if there's something I need to tell you, I get nervous. I just want to make sure we're okay."
"Define ‘okay.' Because it seems like we've been many different things to each other, and I don't know which one is right. But if you're asking if I'm mad, then the answer is no. I'm not angry or upset with you. I'm only trying to get through this part of my life so I can move on."
Her gaze dropped to my desk, where she stared at seemingly nothing, lost in thought. "Okay. That makes sense. I just haven't known how to act around you, and I'm unfamiliar with that."
"That's easy … act like yourself."
"Easier said than done. I had kind of gotten used to your joking moods-and your texts. But it's been a while since I've had either of those things. I know something changed on Monday between us. I guess I'm worried it's permanent."
My heart pounded at her words-although, it felt lighter, as if it became easier to beat. "I wasn't sure if you were even getting my texts. You never responded to them. And when you told me how hard it is for you to be my friend, to be there for me while I'm going through this life change, I guess I assumed you didn't care to hear from me."
"Dane," she whispered and almost slouched in her seat. "I never meant that I don't want to be your friend. I know I said you couldn't come to me with personal things, but really, that was only so I didn't have to listen to you talk about how sad you are over the Gabi situation. That's selfish of me-I know. But I couldn't chance getting my hopes up that you were letting her go, only to have my heart obliterated when you changed your mind and decided to be with her again. I didn't mean to let you down or make you feel isolated. Please, believe me when I tell you that."
"I believe you. And I get it. It was careless of me to come to you about that. I guess I never thought there was anything I couldn't go to you with. But you asked me to do this on my own, so that's what I've decided to do. I haven't ignored you over the last two days because I'm angry. Yes, I was upset and hurt, but that's not why I've stayed to myself. I'm simply trying to give you what you asked for, while also learning how to do things on my own. You were right when you said I was jumping from one relationship to the next, and that I needed time for me. So that's what I'm doing."