"Just personal things … which is none of your business," I growled out through gritted teeth. "Any emails or calls I should know about before you go on your lunch date?" Had I taken a glance at the guy next to her, I probably would've found a frightened kid, but I didn't. I didn't care enough about him to look in his direction.
Eden flinched at my tone, but seemed to push through enough to point in the direction of my office, right at the closed blinds covering the window. "Um, no. But I did put a few files-"
"I'm sure I can figure that out when I get to my desk." And with that, I turned on my heel and headed the few feet down the hall to my office. Before I could get my door open, I heard his whispered words calling me an asshole, and making some suggestion of my need to get laid. I ignored it with a clenched fist and threw my door open before slamming it closed behind me.
My heart thudded loudly and my face became feverish. Blood rushed in angry waves through my ears, making me miss the sound of the door opening and Eden walking in. It wasn't until she said my name that I realized I wasn't alone. She'd followed me. And when I turned to face her, I noticed she was alone. The door had been closed behind her, and she stood across the room with her hands twisting in front of her. Fear-and possibly rejection-darkened her eyes. A mask of anxiety covered her face.
I did nothing but stand next to my desk, staring at her, waiting for her to speak. I didn't trust myself to say anything. I knew anything I said would be out of anger and used to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her. She didn't deserve it. But that didn't calm the desire to spew venom at her, lashing out so she could feel an ounce of the pain consuming me.
"Dane … " she started, clearly unsure of what to say. "Is … is she okay? Did something happen?"
"As you've pointed out so many times, that's a personal question. You're my assistant, Eden. That's it. So how Gabi is or how I'm feeling doesn't concern you." I angrily waved her off. "You should hurry before your friend leaves without you."
"Is that what this is about? Me having lunch with Paul? It's only lunch, Dane."
"Yeah. Just like our lunches were ‘only' lunch. And our conversations were merely words. And that night together was nothing but sex." I was furious, and my tone matched. However, beneath the vicious words and angry exterior, it was clear as day to anyone in the vicinity that my reaction was driven by agony. And it didn't go unnoticed by Eden.
She crossed the room and stood in front of me, only my desk separating us. "Well, I'm on my lunch break now. I'm off the clock. You're not my boss and I'm not your assistant for the next hour. Talk to me. Tell me what's going on. You came bursting into my office like a man holding on to his sanity. What happened?"
"I am a man holding on to his sanity, Eden. For the last two weeks, I've done nothing but put the pieces of my life back together. But you wouldn't know any of that because you've put these restrictions on our relationship. I can't tell you about anything I've done to create a life for us because it's personal." Weight fell from my shoulders and I felt like I was about to fall apart, right in front of her. "I'm barely holding on. If a butterfly flapped its wings too close to me, I just might crumble."
Without saying a word, Eden turned her back on me and walked to the door. She stepped out into the hallway, and I could no longer hold myself up. I fell into my seat, my head dropping into my hands. Everything that had happened since I sat down with Gabi this morning all came rushing back, melding together until my emotions blackened to turmoil. It coursed through me with the speed of a freight train, threatening to take me down at any moment.
Then, the sound of an angel eased enough of the pain for me to pick my head up, taking note of Eden sitting across from me. I didn't understand why she was there, and honestly, wondered if I'd completely lost my mind and had begun to hallucinate.
"I thought you had lunch plans."
She lifted one shoulder slightly, just enough to showcase the pity in her expression. "It was only lunch. You need me, so I'm here. Talk to me."
Suddenly, my mind went blank. I had nothing to say, so I silently stared at her.
"You're clearly upset with our arrangement. Let's start there," she pushed.
"You mean the arrangement where we see each other at work, but don't talk about anything other than work? If it doesn't involve acquisitions, proposals, contracts, or buybacks then it's deemed a personal matter and not to be discussed? That arrangement?"
She huffed and briefly closed her eyes. "Can you for one second see how difficult this is for me and accept that I'm doing the best I can?"
"No. I can't. Because you refuse to see what this does to me."
"I'm not refusing to see anything, Dane." Her tone was soft, almost sad, but it didn't stop me from arguing with her. I could tell she didn't want a fight, but no matter how hard I tried to hold it together, I failed.
"I saw Gabi this morning. To say goodbye. I've done everything I can to make sure she's taken care of after she's out of rehab, but from now on, she's on her own." Utter heartache clogged my throat and made it difficult to get the words out. "I had to break a promise to someone I'd sworn to protect. I promised her I would take care of her, keep her safe, never let anything else ever happen to her again. And I had to fucking say goodbye to her this morning. After all that, I needed you, Eden."
"I'm here, Dane. I haven't gone anywhere."
"But you're not here. You have cut yourself out of my life in every way I've cut myself out of Gabi's. You keep the door closed, the blinds shut. I only see you when you're picking up or dropping off files or documents. I have no one to talk to. No one to tell me I'm doing the right thing. No one to make me feel okay for turning my back on someone I've shared so much history with. I've been there for anyone who's ever needed it, and the one time I need someone to be there for me … I'm all alone. So don't tell me you've been here, because you haven't."
Eden blinked rapidly, releasing a tear that she quickly brushed away. In a soft, emotion-filled tone, she started to explain. "I was there for you, listening to your stories about how you fell in love with Gabi. Listening to you talk about the physical pain you felt over her depression. I can't count how many times I had to hear you tell me that you loved her. No matter how hard I fought against developing feelings for you, I lost. So every time you came to me, upset about Gabi, telling me how much you wished she'd get better so you two could ride off into the sunset together, I had to push my own feelings aside and be supportive."
The agony in her voice wound tight around me until I couldn't breathe.
"I told you the things you needed to hear-work it out, be there for her, do what you felt was right. All the while, my heart broke a little more. Every time you told me how miserable you were, inside, I was screaming, ‘I can make you happy. Choose me.' And when you finally did, I didn't want to believe it. I knew we were rushing. I knew it'd blow up in my face. But I wanted you, and so I gave in."
She wiped away another tear. I was on the verge of saying something, but she continued.
"I had a taste of what it'd be like to be yours. Just a taste. Then you went running back to her. I don't think you comprehend how much that killed me. I understood why you did what you did. I don't blame you for anything. She needed you and you were there for her. But that doesn't mean it didn't cut me like a knife. And all I asked was that you take some time to get it all figured out. Because I knew this would happen. This … right here. You'd have to completely sever ties with her at some point-make the decision to cut her off financially, emotionally. And I knew that wouldn't be easy. Doesn't mean I didn't want to be there for you when it happened. I just can't bear the pain of listening to it. Of seeing how it affects you. I'm trying to protect myself, Dane."
"So you decided to go on lunch dates with other guys while I go through this alone?" I spat at her.
"That's not what it was."
"You looked pretty cozy when I walked in." I didn't want to sound jealous, but that's how I felt. I didn't like what it did to me to see her laughing with someone else, to see her smile at him the way she used to smile at me. I wanted to hit the guy, fire him, do something to make him disappear. And that wasn't the kind of person I was. Despite attacking Sean, I wasn't a violent person. Yet one second of seeing Eden act natural around another man left me with nothing but violent thoughts.
"I'm not interested in him." Sincerity brightened her eyes.