"I wasn't paying attention to the date. I'm sorry. It doesn't mean I didn't care about … her. And it certainly doesn't mean I don't love you. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't."
"You're only here out of obligation. After what happened to me … "
"No. That's not it at all." Sure, I'd do anything to protect her, to heal her. But that wasn't why I stayed. No matter how many times I said it, she'd never believe me. I was there because I loved her-I had always loved her. Things had gotten bad recently, but every road to happily-ever-after has bumps. That's what my grandma used to always tell me. "Gabriella, listen to me. Look at me and listen, okay?"
She stared into my eyes, and I almost lost the nerve to speak. She looked so sad and disheartened. It made me angry to see her that way. Maybe that's what the problem had been lately. She was depressed and it pissed me off-infuriated me because I couldn't change it. I couldn't help her. I only made things worse. The further away she pushed me, the less desire I had to be near her. My anger and hesitation to be home only set her back more. It was an endless cycle. One I wasn't sure how to end.
"I love you. Got it? I'm not going anywhere. I think I've proven that, and I need for you to believe me. But I also think you should speak with someone. Maybe look into seeing Dr. Greiner again."
She began to violently shake her head.
"Listen, Gabi. Sitting around here, locked away in your head, isn't helping anything. It's not getting any better. You're not helping yourself by doing this." I was lost. I kept hoping she would show signs of improvement. I'd clung desperately to pure hope, but it was actually getting worse.
"Therapy didn't work and neither did the doctor. All he did was put me on pills that made me feel drunk all the time. Being numb, not feeling, that's no way to live. I have to experience the emotion and pain. If I don't, I might forget her...like you did."
"I didn't forget. I just wasn't paying attention to the calendar." I was close to losing my patience and gritted my teeth against the words my mouth threatened to spew in her direction. I was seconds away from telling her my refusal to dwell on the things I cannot change did not equate to forgetting. It didn't mean I didn't care, and it certainly didn't diminish my feelings for either of them. All it meant was I chose to not end my life over the loss of another. But I couldn't tell her any of that, so I bit my tongue. I'd never be able to tell her that.
"You weren't here!"
I climbed onto the couch, on my knees, and leaned over her. I had her face cradled in my hands, forcing her to look at me, and then waited for her to calm down enough to hear me. "You aren't here, Gabi. You're never here. I need you. I miss you." My voice cracked, bleeding the words I desperately needed her to recognize. "I can't continue to sit here and watch you fall apart. It's killing me." I pressed my forehead to hers and whispered, "It's killing me."
"I don't know how to fix it. It hurts so bad."
"What hurts, baby? Talk to me. Let me help."
She shook her head and pushed me away. "You can't. This is my punishment. God took our baby because of me. Because of what I've done … "
"What did you do?" I stared into her tear-filled eyes, her pain penetrating my soul. "No, Gabs. That wasn't your fault. When will you accept it was never your fault? Please, talk to someone. If you can't talk to me, then call Dr. Greiner. Or we'll find another doctor."
"It won't do any good."
"Don't say that. You don't know. I miss us, Gabi. I miss the way we were. I'm here to support you, but I want to be happy, too."
"And that's exactly what I want," she finally admitted, and it made me smile. It was the first time in months Gabi had made me smile, and it made me wish I could give her the world. Right at that moment, I knew she would find her way. I had faith in us. I still held on to hope.
I leaned in and kissed her chapped lips. They had been chapped for so long, probably due to the amount of salt they came in contact with from her endless tears. But chapped or not, I kissed them.
3
After getting Gabi calm and settled into bed with a book, I headed down to the beach for a run. I'd had so much pent-up stress eating at me lately. I needed to get rid of it somehow. I ran in the sand until the sun began to drift behind the horizon. Then I turned around to head home. My steps began to falter the closer I got, and by the time I made it to the front of my building, the sky had completely darkened.
Ahead of me, I saw the waves crashing against the pier, beckoning me closer. So instead of going upstairs, I headed a little farther down the beach to my favorite spot. Honestly, it was more like an oversized dock. No one ever used it anymore except to fish off during the day. At night, it became secluded and was all mine. I turned up the music on my iPod and planted the earbuds in place as I walked down the rickety planks to sit in my preferred dark corner.
Just after the third song, I noticed a shadowy figure down the pier. As the person came closer, the moon's light began to brighten her face. My smile widened before I could stop it. I turned off the music, and slowly took my earbuds out.
"Stalking me?" I asked when she stood only a few feet away.
She jumped and covered her chest, as if to catch her heart from falling to her feet. "Oh my God, you scared the shit out of me." She sounded breathless, and it made me laugh.
I stood up so she could see me better and asked, "What are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing." Her soft laughs breathed life into her words. "I went for a walk and this place looked empty, so I figured I'd stop before heading home."
I didn't ask her to, but she sat down anyway. We'd kind of left things unsaid earlier when I left the office, so I wasn't sure what to expect. "Did you go down to HR and fill out your paperwork today?"
With the moon shining bright, I could see her face clearly. God, she was beautiful. Her long hair was down in messy curls that hung over her bare shoulders and down her spine. It had been straight last night and she'd worn it up today at the office. Even though it was technically dark outside and I could only see it from the white light of the moon, I'd have to say curly was my favorite.
"Yeah," she said as she bit her plump lower lip. "But I won't lie … it took me a while to do it. You kind of threw me a curveball at the end before leaving. I wasn't really sure how to react to that."
My smile grew wider. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
A wispy breath blew past her lips right before she dipped her head, dropping her chin to her chest. "Sure you don't. I had no idea who you were. If I'd known your last name, I would've never flipped out on you." She lifted her gaze, shook her head, and chuckled to herself. "My God, Dane … I told you autistic people could do your job better than you."
"No need to apologize. I liked your defensive nature."
"But it's you."
"And what does that mean?" I tilted my head to the side, questioning her in the dark, even though she probably couldn't see the inquisitive expression on my face in the shadows.
She waved her hand in front of her, but when I didn't relent, she gave in. "Your company supports so many organizations. You fund so many projects and donate to so many good things. Had I known it was you, I would've never misunderstood you."
"Honestly, Eden … don't apologize. You didn't know. Not to mention, I've encountered more CEOs in my time dealing with acquisitions to know that just because their business name is riddled with good deeds, it doesn't mean the men running the companies are. Don't be fooled."
"So what are you trying to say?"
I laughed and leaned forward, bracing myself with my elbows on my knees, if only to eliminate a few inches of space between us. "I'm not one of them. I promise. I personally look into every foundation I support. I'm a big advocate against sex offenders. And there are a lot of organizations out there who deal with such topics … so I have to make sure I pick the right ones. My publicist helps me a lot when it comes to them, but in the end, I fully support what I put my name on."
"I really wish I'd looked more into the owner," she said with words so soft they were nearly carried out with the rolling waves.
"If you don't mind me asking … why did you get so defensive? You seemed to have a personal reason. And if this is too forward, I apologize. Just tell me to shut up and I will."
She smiled and glanced down at her lap again. Even though she'd explained it was because she was shy, I still hated it. I liked the idea of holding her gaze, not her looking away from me. I couldn't look away from her even if I tried.