My heart broke. Shattered. Stopped beating at the sound of her pain. "Gabriella," I whispered in a rush of air as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest. "Baby, if I could go back in time and change it, I would. I'd kill the motherfucker before he ever laid a hand on you. But I can't. The only thing we can do is work through it and make it to the other side. Hold my hand, lean on me, let me carry you when you're too weak to walk. But please, get to the other side with me."
"You say all these things, talk about it like we'll be together forever … yet you can't even give me a real commitment. I know you don't want to be with me, Dane. I know you're only here because you know I can't live without you. I'm making you suffer. I'm bringing you down," she mumbled into my shirt.
I held onto her shoulders and pushed her away, enough to look into her eyes. "What do you mean I can't give you a real commitment? I put a ring on your finger, didn't I? I've supported you since before we even graduated high school. I've taken care of you for over a decade and have been faithful every single day since. How could you say I haven't given you a real commitment?"
She brushed away the tears lining her face and wiped her nose. Her silence worried me. And then she spoke. "Would you have asked me to marry you on your own? If I hadn't made a big deal about being together for over ten years, would you have bought me a ring? Or was it only because I practically begged you to?"
Her question caught me off guard. I couldn't do anything other than stare with my mouth opening and closing, words refusing to form. I'd asked myself this very question and had finally understood the truth to my answer. But I couldn't tell her that. Not now. It would only beat her down more.
"I guess I got my answer." She turned to walk away.
"Gabi," I called out, following her into the living room. "The answer isn't that simple."
"Yes it is. It's yes or no."
"Ever since we moved back here, it's been one thing or another with us. Your mom, your stepdad, your stepbrother. My job. You've been up and down with your emotions. It never felt like the right time. But if I truly didn't want to marry you, I never would've asked. No matter how much you begged me, I wouldn't have done it if I were that opposed to it."
"Then why haven't we gotten married yet?"
An incredulous chuckle blew past my lips without thought. "Really? When would we have been able to do that? The ring had barely been on your finger before we found out about the baby. That kind of took precedence over a wedding. And since then, you won't even get out of bed. How exactly do you think we could get married if you won't leave the house? You don't say two words to me, so explain to me how you'd say ‘I do'? This isn't about me not being able to commit to you, Gabi. This is about the timing never being right."
"The timing will never be right." She twisted the diamond ring off her finger and held it out to me. "As soon as I get my head above water and feel like I can breathe again, I'm being dragged back down. And it's not fair to drown you in my mess."
"What are you saying, Gabi?" My words came out choked and worried. This was what I had planned when I first came home. But now, after all we'd talked about, after all she'd gotten off her chest, the thought of her ending our relationship stole my breath away. I knew it was the right thing, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. "Do you want me to leave?"
She slowly lifted her shoulders, unable to even offer a full shrug. "It's not fair for you to be with half a person. All I'm doing is tying you down. This is your chance to leave. I won't guilt you into staying with a broken woman. You deserve better."
You deserve better. Those were Eden's words, too.
I longed to believe them, but I also knew Gabi deserved better. Better than the hollow existence she'd been living. And I did try to give her better. I hoped to see her smile and laugh. To be content. And a small part of me knew we could be good together. I loved her and I didn't for one second doubt her love for me. We could make it work. But in order to give her that chance, I'd have to stick it out. Walking away-whether she offered me the choice or not-wouldn't solve anything.
"What do you want, Gabs?"
"This isn't about me. It's about you and what you deserve."
I stepped closer to her, ignoring the ring between her fingers. "Shouldn't this be about both of us? I won't give up if you won't. And I don't only mean me … I mean all of it. Don't give up on finding peace. Don't stop working on becoming a healthier person. For you. So … what is it going to be, Gabriella?"
"I just want to make you happy again. I want to walk down the beach with you like we used to. I want to be the person who makes you laugh. I'm so tired of being the storm cloud in the sky, the rain on your parade. I hate that you had to hide our photos because they cause you pain. I need to be better, Dane. But I'm having a hard time," she confessed as she started to cry again.
"I know, Gabi. We'll get through this like we've gotten through everything else."
11
I watched through the window between the offices as Eden tried to inconspicuously sneak in-thirty minutes late. The only reason I even noticed her tardiness was because I found myself watching the clock. Normally, she got to her office and started work before I even realized she was there. But not this morning. I'd been looking for her. Not because I wanted anything, either. I simply needed her.
After the fight with Gabi, I felt broken down. Exhausted. Depleted of energy and enthusiasm, I craved the high I knew Eden could give me. She was right-she was my crutch. My drug. My temptation and salvation. The forbidden fruit. Even though I knew how unhealthy it was, I couldn't stop it.
Something changed in Texas.
Maybe it was the night I opened up to her, or what she said to me on the dance floor. Maybe it was merely being with her, without anyone else around. Whatever happened, it changed me. It left me ready to end things with Gabi. And I would have done so already had things happened differently upon my arrival home.
I threw a pencil at the window and watched Eden jump in surprise. It made me laugh. It made her smile. And suddenly, all felt right with the world again.
She moved around her desk and stood in the open doorway, leaning against the frame.
"You're late. Where were you?"
"Just around talking to people," she said coyly with a small shrug.
"Oh, yeah? Your mom?"
She came into my office and practically threw herself into the chair across from me. "It sounds strange to hear you call her that. She's not my mom. My mom lives in California with my dad. This woman might have given birth to me, but that's about it. I don't even know her."
I leaned onto my desk on my elbows, interested in what she had to say. At the very least, it took my mind off the situation at home. "Have you told her yet? About you being her daughter? Does she know?"
"And say what? ‘So, I know you gave me up twenty-five years ago, but hi, I'm your daughter'? No. I can't do that. I'm not even supposed to know who she is. I doubt she wanted me to find her-let alone get a job where she works."
"Do you know who your biological father is? Have you found him?"
She shook her head and glanced around the room. "No, I have no idea who he is. The whole thing about my adoption is touchy, so I can't really say anything to her. I'm not sure why I came here. I only wanted to meet her-to get to know her. I've spent my whole life wondering if I looked like her, or if we had any of the same mannerisms. But now it seems ridiculous. I don't know how to act or what to say."
"I'm sure she'd like to know you had a good life no matter what the circumstances were surrounding the adoption. That decision couldn't have been easy for her. She probably did what she thought was best for you at the time. And to see how you've turned out might be comforting to her."
"Yeah … you're probably right. Doesn't make it any easier, though."
"Why haven't you spoken to your parents about her?"
She blinked a few times and then stared right at me, my question clearly catching her by surprise. "They wouldn't understand. When I started asking about my birth parents, it took my mom six months to tell me why I was put up for adoption in the first place. That's all the information I was given. She never said who she was or where she lived. I found all that information on my own while I was away at college. Then I just wanted to meet her, and that's how I ended up moving here at the last minute. I came with nothing but the desire to meet my biological mother. Now that I have, I don't know what to do about it."