Dane(102)

She settled into the chair and smiled. I became even more confused.

"I'm so relieved to hear you say that, Dane. I was so worried about all this. I love you, I honestly do. But therapy has helped me understand so much. I've learned a lot and it makes me sad for myself that I hadn't done that sooner."

"I don't understand, Gabi."

She smiled again and then rested her hand over mine on the cushion between us. "I have spent the last decade clinging to you as if you were my lifeline. Waiting for you to save me like I was on life support. I didn't have anyone else. You were it. Though my feelings for you are as real as the air I breathe, I have turned that air into pollution with my dependency on you. I've dragged myself down and taken you with me."

I found myself holding on to her every word, waiting on the edge of my seat for her to continue.

"I was always so scared that if you left me, I'd be all alone. Which I pretty much will be, but I have also learned that being alone isn't bad. I realize now that I have people I can confide in, and how much it helps to talk. I've kept everything inside for so long that I hadn't even thought about how freeing it would be to get it all out."

"So what does this mean? What are you trying to say?" I needed clarification.

She touched my face and looked me right in the eyes. "I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. None of it has gone unnoticed. You are an amazing man, Dane, the epitome of kindness with a gigantic heart. Without you, I don't know where I'd be. But like you said, no matter how good or kind or sweet you are, you will always tie me to everything I need to escape. You tie me to my mom, Todd, Sean, this whole damn town. I've realized I need to get out and try things."

"Alone?" The thought worried me. She had never been alone before, and I didn't know how she would handle it. I knew it didn't have anything to do with me, but it didn't stop me from being concerned.

"No. The girl I told you about last week-my roommate-she'll go with me. We've grown really close and she mentioned something to me last week. We talked about it and then I talked to my doctor. He thinks it's a good idea. I just need more counseling before we go ahead with our plans."

"Do what?"

"We've decided to talk to other victims about what we've gone through. We want to help other young girls. Neither one of us had anyone we could turn to that would've understood, and we've both felt like outsiders. That no one could possibly relate to what we were going through, so we internalized it. We don't want other girls to feel that way. So we're teaming up with a group of women who go around and talk to people-educate them."

"Just knock on doors and stuff like that?"

She smiled brightly and shook her head. "There will be some speaking engagements at hospitals and rehab facilities like this one. One-on-one meetings with victims. That sort of thing. But I'm not ready for all that yet. I still need more therapy before any of that can happen. But I know it's something I'm interested in for my future. I have a goal. I want to help people … like you do."

"I'm really proud of you, Gabs." I couldn't hide the beaming grin and the relief that filled me, knowing she was surviving. More than I ever thought she would. This was the woman I knew she could be, and I was beyond excited to see her growth and improvement.

"I've wondered a lot lately if you ever loved me the way I love you, but I've started to figure out that my love for you isn't what I always thought it was. I think I loved you because, in some way, you made me feel safe. But I'm learning that I need to make myself feel safe. No one can do that for me."



       
         
       
        

I didn't know what to say. I was happy to hear she'd learned to let me go, and it made me feel better knowing I wasn't breaking her heart. Although, I still had a hard time acknowledging her after that confession. "So, where are you moving to?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"When?" I felt like a heartless asshole asking her that, as if I were pushing her away, but that's not what it was. I only wanted to make sure she was prepared when the time came.

"That's the thing. Not for another six to twelve months. I have a lot of counseling to do and I still have a lot to learn about dealing with victims. But it's what I want and I plan on doing it. I have to focus first on getting myself better so I can help others. My friend is trying to get her own place, but I don't have any money to help her out. I don't want to have to rely solely on her, so I'm going to start trying to find a job."