He didn't always hit me. Maybe once, maybe twice a month. But I never deserved it – does any wife deserve it, really? I can maybe see if you walk in on her banging three dudes at once, or if she's got a knife to your head. I wouldn't put someone in jail for smacking their woman if she was about to go full-on Misery on the guy. But a good, hard, close-fisted slug because you spilled coffee on his shirt in the morning?
But, the thing is, he made me feel so low, emotionally, that I thought I deserved it. Even though, deep down in the back of my mind, I knew that it was all a lot of macho bullshit and that he was wrong about me, he was really, really good at making me feel like I'd have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. He made me feel like being his wife was really my only purpose on this earth. And lord, even if it was the most fucked-up love in the world, I did love him.
How's that for honesty? I can still admit – now, after everything – that I loved that man with all my heart.
But some loves are just no damn good. Heroin addicts love heroin, don't they?
See, this is the thing I need you know about me before I go any further. I'm not stupid. I'm not pathetic. I'm not a mindless bimbo. I was, and am, smart as hell. I graduated top of my class from Baruch University, with a degree in philosophy. I can think my way out of a steel trap.
But back then? I had the emotional wisdom of a slug. And as much of my own will, or even mind. It had only been three years that I'd been married to Jeremy, but, like most lifelong abusers, he was good at mind games and manipulation.
We'd dated for two years prior to being married, when I was still in school, and when I look back I see all the signs. The little concessions I'd make for him, starting way early in the relationship. The little power struggles, which he always won. By the time my story gets started, I'd lost pretty much anything that had once made me proud to be Gabriella.
2
Reign barely looked up from the girl whose legs were draped across his lap as Endo walked into the back office.
"'Sup," Reign said, his hands busy playing with the girl's tight curls, bouncing them up and down. She was giggling like a lunatic. It wasn't exactly a sexy sound, more annoying than anything else, but Reign was tired, and she was there, and she wasn't a challenge.
He wished she had something to say besides "like", "cool", and "hot", though. He knew that in reality she probably had a hell of a lot more to say than those few words, but she probably thought he wanted her to be a bimbo. Whatever.
It wasn't worth the effort to explain to her that, sometimes, men like a woman with a little substance to her – in mind and body. The girl looked cute as shit in booty shorts and a crop top, but she also looked cold, and young, and thin. The word squeaky came to mind.
"So, you know that dealer, the one who thought we were giving him the run-around on that dope deal?"
"You mean, the one we are giving the run-around?" Reign asked with a chuckle, drawing his eyes away from the lollipop on his lap long enough to look at Endo expectantly.
"He's out front, rantin' and ravin'," Endo said. "Honey's doing her best to placate the guy, but he's hollerin' for blood."
"Look, that ain't my deal, it's Knicker's. Get him on it, Endo," Reign said, annoyed. He'd just gotten back from a huge illegal immigrant job, hustling migrant workers and pregnant women over the border to Utah. He wanted to enjoy this perky brunette for an hour, drink himself into incoherence, and sleep for a day and a half. Lord, Reign loved to sleep, and he hadn't had much of it the past three days.
"Knicker ain't here," Endo said. "You're top dog right now."
"Well, fuck, have we even changed money with the guy? Ain't it all just been talk?"
"Yeah, think so. As far as I know, we ain't even got specifics down."
"Fuck it. Tell him he can calm down and come back when Knicker's here, or the deal's off altogether and he can try and sell ten pounds of dope in a small town in a state with a population of 2 million. He needs us more than we need him," Reign said. "I'm serious. Tell him no one here cares about this deal. It's Knicker just trying to show off to the boss. He can come back and talk to Knicker, or he can fuck off and never show his face around here again."
"Alright, boss," Endo said, disappearing through the door he'd come in through.
"Go lock the door, honey," Reign said to the giggly, squirming chick. She bounced off the sofa, exactly like a bunny from her hopping little gait to her twitchy little nose. Returning to the sofa, she seemed to be trying to walk seductively. It seemed forced. Still, beggars couldn't be choosers. Reign reached out as she got closer, grabbing her by the belt loops, pulling her giggling form in between his knees.
He looked up at her as she blushed, taking the top of her barely-there shorts in his teeth and snarling comically. She laughed again, the sound getting a little bit sexier now that Reign was actually getting turned on.
He released her shorts, bringing a hand up to them, unbuttoning them and letting them slide down her long, smooth legs to the floor. She was wearing a sheer thong, and Reign leaned forward, nosing his way between her shaven folds, breathing deeply. She giggled again, pushing his head away. He, in turn, pushed her hands away, then proceeded to pull her thong down to join her shorts on the floor.
"Fuck, baby," he said, unable to remember her name. He leaned forward again, wanting to pry those pretty pink lips apart and lick her until she squealed for real. But she stopped him once more.
"No, that's gross!" she said, backing away.
"Gross? C'mon, let me taste you, girl," he said, pulling her back, hands cupping her ass, pulling her slit towards him once more. His tongue darted out in anticipation. The only thing Reign loved more than sleeping was feeling girls come under his tongue. In fact, if he could eat girls out in his sleep, he'd be the happiest man on planet earth. He'd only wake up to eat, piss, and make money.
"No, really, that's weird, Reign, I don't like it," the twiggy girl said, her tone turning serious. Reign let his hands fall to his sides, ire spiking. He didn't like being turned down, but he wasn't about to rape the poor thing.
"You don't know what you're missing, doll," he said, hoping to entice her.
"Mmmm, neither do you, baby," she said, suddenly dropping to her knees and crawling forward, somewhat awkwardly, until she was between his legs, one hand on each of his thighs. Reign sighed inwardly, but he forced a smile. What kinda man would I be if I turned down a nice BJ from a nice girl? He thought, still disappointed but willing to take what he could. He kind of just wanted it to be over so he could crash.
The little brunette teased him slightly, or at least tried to, wiggling her scant-but-perky chest under his nose while slowly unzipping his pants, releasing his huge cock. She gasped, 100% genuine, when she saw it, and seemed to rethink her plan of attack. Reign encouraged her with a slight stroke on the back of the head, nudging her forward. She flicked her tongue across the purple, puffy head before pulling back with another grin and smile.
"You're the biggest I've seen," she said, clearly nervous.
"I'll go easy on you, gorgeous," Reign said, pulling her head forward a little more. You won't let me eat you out, you're acting all weird about the blowjob, little girl, if you don't want to do this, you should just go home and quit wasting my time. You were the one who approached me, remember?
But, the brunette seemed to steel herself, and began to perform in earnest, first lapping at his swollen head, then taking his shaft into her mouth an inch at a time. Reign let his head loll back against the couch, his hands coming up to her head, pressing slightly downward, more encouraging than forceful. The brunette moaned around his cock, slathering it with her tongue, humming against the head as she deep-throated him.
"Oh, yeah, baby," he groaned, feigning more enthusiasm than he felt. It was just another blowjob, as far as he was concerned. His cock throbbed against her wet tongue, the head massaged by her welcoming throat. He began to pulse his hips against her, slowly, trying to be gentle as he looked down at the top of her head. She brought one hand to his balls, cupping them and fondling them gently while she bobbed eagerly on his cock.
"You want this cock, baby?" he asked, tired of watching her gag on him, wanting to watch her come as she rode him. She pulled away, a trail of spit from the head of his cock to her lips, and nodded eagerly, biting her lip.
He grabbed her by the shoulders, pulling her up and onto his lap. She straddled him, her small breasts in his face, just asking for his attention. He was glad to provide it. He pulled her crop top up, exposing her bra-less chest, and leaned forward, suckling one of her nipples into his mouth as she slowly lowered herself onto his massive rod.