"It's not something we could waste money on."
"Well, we're definitely going then. So lunch, movies, we'll pick up your notes, do a little studying before a nice dinner. Finally, back here for swimming and hopefully you'll be up for a little loving."
"Why not now?" I asked, kissing his jaw.
"We should wait."
"Are you not in the mood?" I asked, nuzzling his neck. Cooper took my hand and set it on the erection in his shorts. "Then why wait?"
"It's the sex, right?" he asked, frowning back at me. "Whenever we do it a lot, you have these nightmares. When we keep it to once or twice, you sleep fine. I figure we'll wait."
"Is it healthy for you to walk around like that?"
"I'm wearing my loose jeans if that's what you're asking."
"I wouldn't mind being close before we go."
Cooper said nothing for a moment and then sighed. "Last night was really bad."
"It's not only the sex. It's the walls. You wanted them to come down, and they are. Not everything you'll see will be pretty."
"I know," he said softly. "It just breaks my heart to see all that terror in your eyes and know a little part of you is afraid of me."
"It's not you."
Cooper said nothing for a few minutes, and I started worrying. Finally, he ran his hand down the back of my hair as he spoke. After a false start, he forced out the words.
"There was this chick I knew from my freshman year. She was ra … sexually assaulted at a party." When I immediately tensed in his arms, Cooper caressed my head again. "The guy was dealt with, but she was still messed up from what happened. She felt guilt and shame, but then she saw a therapist. Months after it happened, she seemed better. She was able to move past it enough to be happy. I'm not really into all that feelings crap, but maybe a therapist would help you?"
"Help me how? Get me to stop crying during sex?" I asked, angry to have him pushing me on something he knew nothing about.
Cooper suddenly loosened his grip and stared at me. The hurt in his eyes would have bothered me if I wasn't so edgy already.
"Fuck you," he muttered, nearly looking ready to cry. "How cold are you to say that?"
"Why are you asking me to see a therapist? I said we don't talk about stuff in my family. I told you, but you want to fix me. First, you wanted the walls down and then you don't like what you see, so you want to fix me. It's all about you."
"I love you," he said in something between a growl and a whimper. "I love you, and you look at me like I'm going to hurt you. Like I'm a monster. I see that fear and I want to fix things. I want you to be okay because you're not. You're damaged and not talking about it won't fix anything. You think being a teacher and getting good grades will fix all this shit messed up inside you, but those are Band-Aids like not talking about it. You deserve to be happy."
Pulling free, I moved to the other side of the bed and stared at him. He was right in some ways. Maybe in all of the ways, but I felt cornered, attacked even. He was judging me, calling me damaged. True or not, I wanted away from him.
Cooper watched me for a minute and then something changed on his face. The pained and slightly angry expression was gone. I could almost see his big brain churning as the hardness on his face eased away.
"You're mine, baby. No matter what you'll always be mine. I just need you to be really happy. Not going through the motions or happy for anything you can get happy. I want you to be joyously fucking happy, and you can't be that way because you have all this pain you're holding behind those walls. Hell yeah, I want them down. I want every part of you open to me, but that pain isn't going anywhere."
"My dad is a gambler," I said, eyes on the wall and away from him. I just said the words without any thought behind them. Cooper needed something from me. To understand, I guess. He needed that, and I needed him.
"A grifter too. He's always stealing money to pay off his debts, but sometimes his cons don't pay off in time. When that happened one time, he left town to find someone who owned him money. He told Mom if the people came around she should convince them that he was coming back with their money. If they wanted something to tide them over, she should give them her ring. My great-grandmother gave Mom a ring, and she loved it. I didn't think she wanted to give it up, but Dad told her she might have to because the people were dangerous."
Pausing, I pretended Cooper wasn't there. Also, pretended I wasn't saying the words out loud. They were all in my head, safe from my heart. Just a bad dream to be forgotten when I woke up.
"The men showed up, and they didn't care about Mom's excuses. Tawny was always so smart about people, and I think she understood. She begged Mom to give them the ring. I remember thinking someone was attacking my mom because she started screaming and ran away. She ran down the hall to our room and locked the door. Even with her freaking out, I still didn't understand what was happening. We were always owing someone money and hiding from people. It always worked out, though."
Looking at the light seeping in around the shades, I didn't think as I continued, "Tawny understood. She was twelve, but she knew we were in trouble. She took out twenty dollars … " Pausing, I bit back tears. "She had worked around the motel, and the manager gave her twenty dollars. She was so excited because we were going to Dairy Queen to eat dinner for my birthday. She had worked so hard for that money, cleaning up nasty stuff in the pool. She earned the money, but she offered the biker guys her twenty for collateral. That's when I understood."
Inching away from Cooper reflexively, I wasn't even sure if he had moved towards me.
"Travis said what the fuck were they going to do with twenty dollars? Then he said they needed real collateral. Even though he said that, the bastard still took her money. She worked so hard for those twenty dollars."
Wiping the tears spilling down my cheeks, I moved away from Cooper even more, leaving me pressed against the headboard.
"Dad came for us a week later," I said, hearing Cooper exhale hard in response. "He paid the men, and he took us back to the motel, but he didn't have us come inside. He just grabbed our stuff and packed up the car, and we left. We didn't speak of my mom for years as if she never existed. Only when Dad started relying on my grandma's money did he acknowledge how he was once married to her daughter. Otherwise, Mom was just a memory."
After a long quiet minute, Cooper whispered angrily, "Why did you come here to live with that bitch?"
Finally, I looked at Cooper who stared at me with so much pain in his beautiful dark eyes. "They made it seem like it was the only way I could go to school. I needed my dream to come true, so I came here. Maybe I also wanted my mom to know what she did hadn't ruined me. How I had worked hard and turned out better than her."
Cooper tried to touch me, but I flinched.
"Once, I tried talking about that week. Me and Tawny watched an Oprah episode and thought we could talk about it and be healthier or something. It was awful," I said, my voice cracking. "It was like being back there again. As if all the showers couldn't scrub away the smell. I never want to talk about it again. I don't want to sit in an office with a stranger and make myself remember the way it felt."
"Farah," he whispered softly now, "you don't have to do anything. I just wanted to help you, and everyone was saying how Becky was helped by seeing a therapist."
I wished I could see someone, tell them what happened, and make all of the bad stuff disappear. Life didn't work like that though.
After watching me for a few minutes, Cooper sighed. "I hate when you cry. I hate the look on your face when we're together because I know you're not with me really. You're back there and scared and waiting for it to be over. I hate knowing I make you feel that way."
"You make me feel other things too though. You make me feel like my body can feel things besides what it felt back then. You make me feel like I have a right to feel pleasure. Because of you, I feel like my body belongs to me more now. I know that makes no sense, but by choosing to give my body to you, I feel I'm not a ruined thing. I feel like I'm beautiful because that's how you see me. You look at me like I'm special, and that's why I don't cry as much, but I do get scared. No matter how much I know I'm with you, some little part isn't. Some little part is always back there, but that part isn't as scared. Maybe therapy would help or maybe it would make me feel ruined again. I can't take the chance when I'm starting to feel like a woman with power. Sometimes, when you touch me, it feels so good, and I feel like I'm rejecting all of the ugly stuff. Like I'm saying I have a right to feel good and not go back there. I feel that way because of you."
Cooper's scowl eased. "I might be a pig towards girls, but I always made them feel good too. It's like a tradeoff. I'm a shitty boyfriend, but I'm a great lover. I'll give them pleasure and then toss them aside. Maybe that's not a decent tradeoff, but it's what I do. With you though, I love you more than anything, and I can't make you feel good."