"A whole lotta everything and a whole lotta nothing," I said, wondering whether, if I fell back to sleep, I could wake up and discover this was all one huge nightmare.
Holly sighed and plopped down on the floor next to the couch. "What are you going to do?"
I couldn't think about that right now. I didn't want to think about it ever. But I knew I'd have to not only face that question, but answer it.
"I don't know."
"And when are you going to tell Jude?" She started stroking the top of my head in a way that my mom used to when I was little and scared of the monsters I was convinced were lurking beneath my bed.
"I don't know."
Holly exhaled. "How do you feel?"
"I don't know." I was seeing a trend developing. I knew a whole lot of nothing. All I knew was that I felt confused and scared and lost.
"I know this is coming at you fast, Lucy, and I can see how terrified you are right now, but you're strong. You're stronger than I am, and I know this probably won't comfort you, and maybe I'm all kinds of stupid for even saying it, but if I can raise a child, I know you can, too. You've got Jude, and your family and friends, and-"
"And no future," I interrupted, seeing all those chapters I'd yet to experience in life go up in flames. How could I dance when I had a big round belly? How could I dance and travel the world with a baby on my hip? What had I worked my ass off for if, one year before I was set to graduate from a prestigious dance school, I wound up knocked up?
"How can you say you've got no future?" Holly said, looking insulted. "You've got the kind of future most people dream of."
"A future most people used to dream about."
"Wait. Are you saying that because you're going to have a baby, your entire life is ruined?"
It felt like that was what I was saying, but I was just too damned confused to be sure.
"Because, yeah, a baby's going to change things, but it's not going to end your life."
I wasn't sure I believed her.
"I love that you're here for me and are trying to make me feel better, Holly. I really do. But I kind of just need some time to be alone and sort some shit out," I said. "Okay?"
She looked like she wanted to argue with me but managed to hold herself back. "I'll have Thomas take LJ tonight so you can have some peace and quiet," she said. "And then tomorrow you and I are going to find a doctor and make an appointment, because we don't know if you're four weeks along or four months along." I about fainted again, thinking I could be four months pregnant. Surely life wouldn't be that cruel. I needed as much time as possible to wrap my mind around this grenade that had just gone off in my life, and five and a half months just wasn't going to cut it.
"And after that, we'll figure out a way to break the news to Jude and-"
"Holly." I grabbed her arm. "Too much, too fast. I need some breathing room."
"You're right," she said, raising her hands. "I'm just going to give you one giant hug"-she wrapped her arms around me and gave me one ginormous hug-"and then I'll round up the boys and we'll be out of here."
"Thanks, Holly," I said, curling deeper into the couch. "For everything."
"You know, Lucy, for what it's worth, I'm on the same page as Thomas," she said, heading down the hallway. "I know you'll be an awesome mom."
I tried to return her smile, but I couldn't do it.
All I could think about was shattered dreams. All I could see was Jude's shocked face when I told him I was pregnant.
I was sobbing silently into my pillow before the door had closed behind Holly, Thomas, and LJ.
I'd lived on saltines and lemon-lime soda for a week. My stomach was either unable or unwilling to keep anything else down. Those were the first things I asked for when I boarded the plane Sunday morning, and the flight attendant had given me a knowing smile, told me, "It gets better," and kept the crackers coming.
I'd made it through the entire flight having to take only one lavatory vomit break, and thankfully the driver who'd met me at the airport to drive me to Qualcomm Stadium kept a paper bag in the backseat for emergency purposes.
I'd had an emergency.
It was Jude's first game of the season, and back when he'd purchased the ticket for me, he'd wanted to make it for the entire weekend. But I thought I'd be dancing lead in a school production Saturday night, and I had class Monday morning, so I was doing a round trip from New York to San Diego and back in one day.