I set my coffee down on the nightstand. He wasn't getting it, or I wasn't being clear. I didn't want more cars than I had fingers. I didn't want more garages than I had hairs on my head. I wanted Jude. And a roof above us, along with a reliable car and food in the cupboards would be nice.
"I don't want to change our style of life," I said. "I thought our current style of life was pretty great."
"It is pretty great, Luce. It's pretty fucking great," he said, keeping me close. This was the way to have a tough talk, held tightly against him. "But it could be that much better. All those times I wanted to go to the jewelry store and buy you the biggest, sparkliest damn thing I could, all those times I wanted to take you to some fancy restaurant and order the most expensive thing on the menu just because I wanted you to have the best. All those winters I wanted to get you an SUV that would laugh at winter driving." He paused and leaned his head into the headboard. "I'm sick of not being able to get you the things you deserve."
What he was saying was tugging on my heart, but it did nothing to alleviate the tension that built whenever he started talking about money. "I know you are, baby. I know you are," I said. "But the thing is, all these years you think you've been giving me second-best-"
"More like fourth-best," he muttered.
"Well, then, I must be a fourth-best kind of girl, because I've never felt cheated or that I was missing out."
We were quiet for a moment, although our thoughts were so loud it wasn't exactly silent.
"Luce? What is it about money that makes you so uncomfortable?"
Shit. He might as well have just laid me back out on that table, for how naked and vulnerable I felt with that question in the open. Jude had this uncanny ability to cut through the bullshit and see what was at the heart of what I was trying to hide. Some days I loved this gift of his. Some days I hated it.
I wasn't sure what kind of day it was yet.
I inhaled and exhaled, shoving the half-truths I was hiding behind me, trying to get to what was really bothering me. Now I was ready to say what felt like was close to the heart of it. "I come from a place where I know what it's like to have so much money in the bank you didn't even realize you could worry about something like money," I began, twisting in his arms so I could curl closer. "And I come from a place where I know what it's like to have so little in the bank you're not sure if you'll have a house to call your home the next month. I know the highs and the lows. Money can't make you happy. I don't want to pretend it can, or will."
"Luce, I know that," he interrupted. "I know it can't make you happy if you weren't already. But you and me, we've created something so damn great before all this that it can only get greater with a little cha-ching in the bank."
"No," I said abruptly. "See? That's it. I don't want my life-contentedness meter to be tied to something like money. In any way. I want them separate." I lifted one hand, extending it to the right. "Here's Lucy and the roller coaster that is my emotions." Jude was smart enough to keep from smiling his acknowledgment. "And here's money," I said, lifting my other hand and holding it off to the far left. "I don't want them to ever be connected. Ever."
"Ever? Or never, ever?" Now he was smiling. "Because there's a difference."
I elbowed him before answering. "Never, ever, ever."
He contemplated that for a moment before nodding. "Okay. I think I can manage that." He sounded as sincere as he looked.
"Yeah?"
Grabbing my outstretched hands, he kissed each one. "Yeah."
Who would have guessed a round of wild tabletop sex and a night of sleep could pave the way for a productive conversation over something we'd been screaming about yesterday?
Oh, yeah. Men guessed that. From the time of the caveman, when tabletops were nothing more than flat boulders. It was time I, as a woman, figured that out and started using it to my advantage.
"Do you need anything else?" He kissed my forehead before rolling out of bed. "If I don't leave in the next thirty seconds, I'm going to be late to practice."
"I need . . . something," I answered, throwing the sheet to the side, "but it sounds like you've got places to be."
Jude's eyes stayed on my face, but I could tell it was killing him to do so. "You're cruel, Luce. You know that?"
"Mm-hmm," I said, rolling onto my side to give him a better view. I smiled when his gaze drifted for the shortest second.