"But... who?"
Anger floods through me, and I spin to face him, fire in my eyes.
"Who?" I ask, my voice rising. "What the fuck, Kaiden? Who? What do you think I am, huh? Just some floozy slut like all the rest of the girls you bring home?"
I've held onto so much anger, anger at him controlling so much of my life, anger at him making all the decisions that affect both of us, and I can hardly contain it.
"I thought you were on the pill!" he argues as he takes a step back, looking shocked at my outburst, but I don't feel anywhere near to done.
"On the pill? I was a virgin, Kaiden, and intended on keeping it that way!"
He takes another step back, leaning against the counter like I just punched him in the gut, and I feel a moment of satisfaction. I throw my purse over my shoulder and start towards the door, but he's faster than me, and he grabs both of my shoulders, pulling me to face him.
"So what now?" he asks, his voice softer, more filled with care and concern, but it's too little, too late.
"So now you know," I reply, trying to make my voice cold, but it comes out with a tremble of pain that I know he can sense.
He pushes me to the wall, stopping me from leaving, and I stare up at him aghast.
"Let me go."
"I can't," he protests, and his mouth moves to silence my words, his pierced tongue running against my upper lip as he presses his body to mine. He's already stiff against my stomach, grinding there, and for a moment I'm rendered dumb.
He tastes so good, and I kiss him back, the passion between us mounting. I want him so bad, now more than ever, and I moan into his mouth.
"I want you," he whispers between kisses, his mouth trailing down my neck, over my collarbone, down along the fabric of my top as he pulls up the bottom of it. He exposes my stomach, still smooth but with a slight bump, to his mouth, and I want more than anything to lose myself in him again.
But I can't.
I push him away, his back hitting against the other side of the hallway, and I run out the door.
I sit on my bed, my headphones on. I just need to blare out all the badness, all the sorrow and loss.
Four months, and the morning sickness hasn't totally gone away, though I think at least part of it is due to missing him.
Wanting him back in my life.
I haven't heard from Kaiden since that horrible day, but the memory of his hands and mouth on me once more ignited that passion I'd quelled with the anger and rage of being abandoned.
But he didn't mean it.
If he did, I would've heard from him by now.
I flip through the adoption pamphlet Becky gave me, but I don't feel right about it. I don't feel right about any of it. I should've been more careful, more cautious, but he had me wrapped around his finger.
And now I'm paying the price.
Tossing the pamphlet aside, I sigh and pick up my phone. Even my old favorite songs aren't perking me up. Maybe I should try to find something more upbeat.
But when I turn on the screen, there's a text from a number I don't recognize. Probably another stupid reminder about some clothing sale I accidentally signed up for.
But when I swipe down, my heart stops.
Princess, I know I don't deserve you, but I want to. More than anything. Can we talk?
Tears spring to my eyes, and I don't know if it's the hormones or not, but I swipe them away quickly. My lower lip trembles, and the rest of the world is forgotten.
I stare for so long at that message, reading it over and over again. My heart starts racing, my palms going sweaty as I wonder what to say.
He's just going to blow you off, I chide myself, but I don't want to believe it. Not this time. Not now.
If ever I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt, it has to be now.
Talk about what? I reply, and the second I hit send, I start wondering if it's too terse.
If he's going to think I'm still mad.
You are still mad, my subconscious reminds me, but that doesn't stop me from staring at my phone. Every time the screen goes black again, I swipe it back on, the anticipation killing me.
Luckily, he doesn't keep me waiting for long.
I want to make it up to you. Can we meet? You know our spot on Big Bear Lake?
Big Bear Lake?
That was where...
I shake my head free of the memory of his mouth lingering so near to mine, and swallow. My mouth feels dry, my breathing increased. Big Bear Lake is still a seven-hour drive if traffic is good.
Do I really want to put myself in that position?
But even as I antagonize over it, I'm texting him back.
When?
This weekend?
And nothing within me can stop me from sending back:
OK.
I put the phone down, staring up at the ceiling.
What am I doing? Why does my heart keep tugging me towards pain?
But for the first time in so long, I find a restful sleep, a smile upon my lips and the image of Kaiden in the front of my mind.