Maybe this is my chance to make something of myself. To do something new and exciting.
Even that thought can’t relieve the ache in my heart.
"Are you sure?"
"Yea, I'm sure, Becky!" I say, my voice shriller than I intend. There's no way this can be right. I can't be pregnant. Not now. Not when I’m on my own and just starting school.
It's two months after Kaiden abandoned me at the pharmacy, and I haven't had my period since then, but that doesn't matter.
This just... it can't be happening to me. No.
Fear and anguish rush through me, but there's something more, too. Excitement. I don't even want to think about it, and I try to push it down, snuff it out, but I can't deny that it's there, burning within me.
An excuse to reach out to him!
"Oh my God, Gail! You're pregnant!" She says it with enthusiasm but tones it down to gauge my reaction, but even so, she could have no idea why I look and feel so distraught. I never told anyone at the University of San Francisco about Kaiden, or even that I have a step-brother. Not that many people care.
Becky's pretty much my only real friend, but she's been a lot of fun and really important to getting me out of my slump.
She's toured me around the city, taken me to some of the best restaurants, but it's always been a bit disappointing. It's always been missing Kaiden.
I haven't heard from him since, and I've avoided looking.
If he didn't want me in his life, then that's his choice.
"So who's the father?" she asks, her tone sly, like I've been hiding something. "It's not Jack, is it? That guy is-"
"It's not Jack."
"Oh thank God!" she says, rolling her eyes heavenward. "The way he looks at you, you know, I was starting to wonder."
"Ew, Becky. No, it's not him. You don't know the guy," I say, and I wonder, for a second, if I knew him either.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I'm... I'm not sure. Maybe just raise it by myself."
"What? Don't be ridiculous, you're not even going to tell him?"
I shake my head and she looks mortified.
"If I got pregnant, I'd be sure as hell telling the guy and getting some child support at least. I mean, raising a baby isn't cheap, Gail," she says, her voice holding so much concern. "I mean, especially when you're only nineteen. Maybe you should think adoption..."
She looks at me with those big, green eyes of hers, and they remind me of Kaiden's. I wonder how he'd react.
If he'd be excited, or if it'd just be another bother.
He already gave me more than enough to cover child support.
But I can't deny the fact that I want him to know. He deserves to, after all we've been through.
I nod my head, brushing some of my dyed brown hair behind my ear. I'd taken Kaiden seriously about starting new.
When I moved, I started going by Gail, dyed my hair, changed my wardrobe, everything. I even started going to school, dreaming of the day that maybe I could be a lawyer. Start working to really help people in need, find some purpose to my life.
Becky leans in, touching my face gently.
"It'll be okay, I promise. But you should really tell him at least. C'mon, if you liked him enough to sleep with him, how bad can he be?"
It doesn't take me long to track down Kaiden.
I took him seriously when he said to start fresh, but apparently he didn't take his own advice. He had apparently put a down payment on mom and dad's old house.
It was kind of bitter-sweet to think of him back in the home we grew up in. We shared so much in those walls.
The drive back was harder than I expected. Once I started passing familiar buildings and homes once more, each brought a rush of memories with it, coming on faster and faster as I drove into town.
It's middle of the day on Saturday, a month after I found out I was pregnant. I tracked him down within a day, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Not until I know for sure that nothing is going to happen with the baby.
I'm terrified, though, still.
I have no idea what he'll say, what seeing me will bring up in him.
What I'll feel at seeing him again.
It's only been three months since we parted ways. It feels like an eternity, yet at the same time, it feels like no time at all has passed, and I drive a bit slower out of fear more than anything.
I've brushed my hair, letting the dark locks spill around my neck, a casual shirt and jeans hiding most of my body.
I'd gotten so comfortable wearing revealing clothes around the bar, but now that I'm enrolled in college, I've gotten back to my more conservative outfits. It just feels more appropriate, anyways.
To be a bit hidden from him. To protect myself—and him—from our lusts. From our history.
I didn't tell him I was coming, though, and that makes me nervous. I don't want him to know. I just wanted to put off talking to him as long as possible.