Crazy for Her(81)
No, her high school boyfriend, college boyfriend, and Evan had gazed into her eyes with stars shining in theirs and said the words with a sweet huskiness in their voices. Part of her wanted to laugh, the other, cry.
“Do you know what I hated the most when Evan was getting ready to deploy?”
Logan shook his head.
God, she hated the hurt shimmering in his eyes, but she had to make him understand why she refused to consider a future with him. “Would you please sit. You make me feel like you’re going to bolt any minute, and there are some things I need to say.”
He let out a weary sigh, but did as she asked and sat on the edge of the sofa, though he still looked as if he were prepared to flee. “I’m listening.”
“When he stopped shaving and let his hair grow. I hated it because it was a visual reminder every day that he would be leaving again. He always started a month before it was time to go. For four damned weeks, I had to watch him turn himself into someone who would fit in better with the Afghan people in the hope that it would make him just a little bit safer. But he was never safe, none of you were, and I always knew that. I can’t do it again, Logan. I can’t sit by the phone and wait for it to ring, or for Jake or Jamie to show up at my door telling me you’re dead. I won’t do it.”
His eyes were hard and cold, no hint of sweet shining stars. “In case it’s escaped your notice, I’m no longer in the Navy and don’t foresee any reason why I would ever return to Afghanistan. But that’s neither here nor there because you don’t love me and have no intention of trying. I get it.”
The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him, but she had. He used that ice-cold demeanor to hide the pain of the boy whose own mother didn’t love him, so how could he expect anyone else to? She moved to the sofa and clasped his hand. He held still, refusing to curl his fingers around hers. She might as well be kicking a lost puppy.
“I care about you, Logan. More than I want to, and I don’t think it would take trying very hard to love you. But I won’t let it happen unless you can promise me you’ll never go on another dangerous mission.”
“You are asking me to give up who I am, and I don’t know how to be anything else.” He pulled his hand away and stood. “And just suppose for a minute that I did and it turned out to be for nothing? Then where am I?”
He walked out of the room, his bearing straight and proud. Hot tears coursed down her cheeks. The ache in her heart was so intense, she feared she was already halfway to loving him.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Dani watched the passing scenery as Logan drove her and Regan to the pediatrician. She snuck a peek at him. His gaze was straight ahead, his face devoid of any expression. He’d only said one word to her so far this morning. “Ready?” he’d asked when she walked into the living room with Regan.
Sighing, she turned back to the window. She missed the way he had looked at her as if she were a treat he couldn’t wait to devour. He hadn’t touched her once that day and she missed that, too.
The night before, she’d decided she was wrong not to give their relationship a chance. Like he said, even if he did stop going on missions, he could still walk out the door any time and get hit by a bus. There were no guarantees in life, and she was coming to believe that letting him go would be the biggest mistake of her life.
The realization had hit her around three in the morning when she asked herself one question. Would she still have married Evan if she’d known he would die? She didn’t even have to think about it. Yes. A hundred times, yes. Although their time together had been sadly short, she wouldn’t give it up for the world. She wanted the chance to explore the possibilities with Logan.
Just as she turned to tell him she had changed her mind, he pulled up to Dr. Gordon’s office. It would be better to wait until they were home, so she remained silent. Carrying Regan toward the door, Dani waited for Logan to put his hand on her lower back, the way he always did when he walked behind her. He didn’t.
There was no one else in the waiting room when she signed in. Taking a seat next to Logan, she said, “I always take his first appointment, so we won’t have a long wait.”
“Good,” he said, and picked up a magazine.
Well, wasn’t that something? He’d just doubled his word count for the day. “I really like Dr. Gordon, and little stinker here loves him.” As if she sensed the tension, Regan had been unusually quiet that morning. “I suppose I could go to one of those fancy, big places where they have fifty doctors, but I always feel like I’m just a number.”