“The men you saw on the screen are facing a dangerous situation and that upsets you, especially because of what happened to Evan. Now I think you’ve decided to worry about me.”
All right, so he was a mind reader. She scrubbed at her forehead as if she could wipe away the words written there. “Yes,” she whispered.
“Listen, this is important. Before we go on a mission, we research, plan, research some more, and plan some more. I have men who do nothing all day but sit at their computers and dig for information. We talk to anyone and everyone who might have the slightest scrap of knowledge that could help us, and then we plan some more. We practice and train until we’re performing the operation in our dreams.”
He gestured behind him. “Beyond this wall is a warehouse big enough to set up mock villages. In a remote area not far from here, I own over a hundred acres where we also train. And all of that happens even before we get the intel from my government contacts.”
“Like the CIA? Because I have to tell you, those three letters scare the hell out of me, Logan. Their games are deadly, and they don’t give a damn about you when all’s said and done. Rescuing missionaries is admirable, and I’ll even admit going after terrorists is necessary, but I wish it was someone besides you doing it. All your planning and training is impressive, but it didn’t save Evan, did it?”
Hurt flashed in his eyes before his face blanked. Oh God, she shouldn’t have brought that up. It sounded as if she blamed him and she didn’t. But maybe she did, a little, along with Evan for staying in the SEALs, and the military for sending him on the mission, and herself for not being enough to keep her husband at home.
She wiped away a tear that fell down her cheek. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
The last time Logan’s heart ached this badly was when Evan lay dying in his arms. Of course she was right to blame him for failing her and Evan. He choked down his regret. Later he would try to answer the two questions crowding his mind, the same ones he thought he’d put behind him. Did he deserve her, and could she ever love him after he’d failed her so spectacularly?
“No, never be afraid to speak freely with me, Dani. And to answer your question, no, to my deepest sorrow, it didn’t save Evan. I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do, but I’m going to tell you something you don’t know. That mission was doomed from the start and we all knew it. The intel was bad, the vibes were worse. None of us wanted to go, but we had orders. It was a setup by the Taliban in retaliation for killing bin Laden. That part we didn’t know until we rescued the army captain, but every one of us thought the mission smelled rotten. I . . .” He hesitated. No one outside of his team knew he’d offered them an out.
“Tell me. If anyone has a right to hear what you were about to say, it’s me.”
“After the briefing, I sat down with each team member privately and told them they didn’t have to go, that I would cover for them.”
“And, of course, not one of them accepted.”
He met the gaze of the only woman he would ever love. “No,” he said softly.
“Evan called me that morning before you guys left on the mission, and I gave him the news that I was pregnant. That should’ve been reason enough to stay behind if he believed the operation was doomed.”
Logan understood her bitterness and didn’t blame her for thinking so, but she could never understand a SEAL team’s bond. Evan would never have turned his back on his brothers. And if any one of them had agreed, Logan would have found a way to transfer them without hurting their career.
“I didn’t tell you this to hurt you. I probably shouldn’t have told you at all. We had orders and it didn’t matter that we didn’t want to go. What I want you to understand is this. I give the orders now, and if any mission smells bad, I call it off. I won’t send my men into a situation I don’t believe we can win.”
“I wish you’d had that power in Afghanistan.”
The tears pooling in her eyes tore at his heart. “And I wish I had it to do over again. I would refuse the orders as I should have then, court martial be damned.”
She swiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks. “And if you had? What would your superiors have done? Would they have found another team?”
“No, they would have removed me and put someone else in my place.”
“Evan.”
She wasn’t asking. She would have known Evan was in line for a promotion. How had the conversation veered in this direction? Maybe it was something she needed to talk about and face.