“My mama ran off because she enjoyed fuckin’ cowboys and gettin’ high more than she liked her kids, so no, darlin’, I wouldn’t expect you to be close to someone who doesn’t deserve that privilege.”
Her eyes go wide and her back jolts straight. I might not recall the younger version of her, but her mama was in Pine Oak long before I was born, so there isn’t a chance Caroline hasn’t heard at least some rumblings about my mama. There aren’t secrets in this town. That doesn’t mean I should’ve laid it out there like that, but I stopped giving my mama the power to upset me a long damn time ago, so the habit is impossible to break now.
“I’m sorry. About your mama,” she says in a meek whisper, relaxing her back and looking down at her hands as she worries them on top of the island. “I remember Quinn missin’ y’all’s mama a whole lot when we were growin’ up.”
I nod, even though she can’t see it. “She’s made her peace where our mama’s concerned, Caroline. You’ll get there too when you’re ready.”
“Did you? Make your peace, I mean.”
What a loaded question that is. “I accepted her place in my life a long time ago, but I was also older than my siblings when she left, so I didn’t feel the sadness Quinn did or the hope that she could somehow become the mama she shoulda been, like Maverick did. I held my anger close to my chest, but I stopped allowin’ her to hold those strings a few years ago. She played no part in makin’ me the man I am now, and I can move on with my life knowin’ I’ll never abandon the people I love like she did.”
“You . . . are y’all . . . is she in your life?”
I shake my head. “Maverick is the only one who keeps a small connection to her, but that’s a story for another day.”
“You haven’t forgiven her,” she muses, finally giving me those eyes again.
“No, but the difference is I’ve forgotten her.”
She moves her head in the smallest of nods, shocking me when I expected her to argue the importance of forgiveness like my siblings do. I have a feeling that whatever her mama did to her, she doesn’t feel the need to forgive either.
“She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness, Caroline, but I didn’t spend every Sunday with a sore ass because of the hard pews in church without learning why it’s somethin’ we should offer. It just isn’t somethin’ I can give her, so instead I’ve given her my disregard. I can move on with my life without lettin’ what she did continue to fuck me up. We don’t pick our parents, but we get to decide what to do with the life they gave us.”
“I wish I could push it all aside that easily and that she didn’t affect me still.”
“What did she do to you back at the baby shower?”
She glances across the room toward the huge bay window behind the kitchen table that overlooks the back pasture, where a few of my horses are enjoying the freedom inside the fenced-in property, amid nothing but God’s green earth and blue skies. There’s nothing more beautiful than the land I’ve always been proud to call mine. Well . . . almost nothing.
“She said my name. That’s it. She called my name and I didn’t even need to see her—just the sound of her voice brought back all the things I never wish to remember again. All those memories I worked so hard to forget.”
“Wanna talk about any of that?” I ask, knowing when it’s wise to not push for more until she’s ready to tell me, but wanting her to know I’ll listen when she is.
“Maybe on our second date,” she mumbles, more to herself than me. My smile grows when, after realizing what she said, her mouth snaps shut, her cheeks turn pink, and her eyes widen. Goddamn, she’s one hell of a breath of fresh air. There isn’t a part of her that isn’t transparent, and after dealing with the kind of women who wear masks to get you, I find it incredibly alluring to know what I’ll get with her.
“Fuck, you’re cute,” I tease sincerely, hoping to put her out of her misery. “Second date it is, Caroline Michaels.” My smile grows and I shake my head with a laugh. I can’t remember the last time I felt this lighthearted, especially considering that never happens when my mama was just in the forefront of my thoughts.
“How are you single?” she blurts in a rush, not looking the least bit shy now that her tongue is loosening up. Or maybe she’s getting more comfortable with me, God willing, and no longer feels unsure about me wanting her here.
“Honestly?” She nods. “Spent a while screwed up because of my mama, but after I got past that, I was burned pretty damn bad and I haven’t found a woman worth lettin’ myself get vulnerable for again.”